Don't deserve my children

[thebluewave]

Sorry posted here for traffic. Slightly desperate

Really need a handhold but probably don't deserve one.

I have two DC's. DS4 and a 10 week old DD. Different dad's, both long term relationships, both left me for other people within weeks of DC's being born. Neither have to pay child maintenance because they are students.

Without going into detail I've had a hard life. Some horrific things happened to my family before my DC's were born and a few weeks ago another horrific thing happened to our family. (Can't go into detail) but I'm extremely depressed. I'm not a good mum at the moment. Not sure if I ever have been. I've tried to get help. God knows I'm trying to be a good mum. But it's just all going to shit. Ive had multiple shit jobs the last 4 years and have attempted my first year of uni twice. Cocked up this year after the horrific thing happened.

Now have no real income as no longer have a student loan and I don't get Mat pay because I wasn't at my last job long enough.
We're poor, I'm miserable and my kids deserve better.

I know this is just a bad day and it'll get better but fucking hell its so hard. Feels like I'm just treading water and slowly but surely totally exhausting myself until I can't do it anymore.
😓😓😓

I feel like this on a regular basis. You are a great mum, I know it is hard, especially with one so little, just keep treading the water and you will get there eventually, it will get better.

Please don't feel bad if you don't feel you're giving them the best of yourself, The baby won't remember and likely neither will DS... I asked DD (10) recently if she remembered a time I was really horrible to her when she was little that i still felt awful about and she didn't recall at all. Try to focus on what you can do for them, and importantly, for yourself and hold on to that. I'm sorry you and your family have had such an awful time.

Have you visited your GP to tell them about feeling depressed? A course of antidepressants may help you. You are in the thick of it at the moment. Keep going, I’m sure you’re not a bad mum.
And well done for trying the first year of uni twice. One day you will manage it. You sound young.. one day you will get that degree. Tell yourself that

You are posting on here and sharing your feelings and that in itself shows you are a good mum and want things to improve. You have had a tough time and I imagine you are quite young so don’t be so hard on yourself. You said you have tried to get help, what did this involve?

One day at a time, have you spoken to GP, your baby is very young and you are at a vulnerable time in your life. Keep talking...