When I was 18 I used to enjoy going out with friends, but as I got older and got my own place I really don't enjoy spending time with friends any more. I can remember feeling like this 10 years ago.
Whenever I have agreed to a night out or I have signed up to a BBQ someone is having or anything is in my diary I dread the occasion and feel resentful that I can't do what I want that day and have to stick to the plans I've made.
Sometimes when I have a concert booked or something like that I wish I'd never booked it by the time it comes around because I want to do whatever I feel like doing that night, not go to a concert and although I used to love concerts I don't really enjoy them any more.
I am starting to question why I bother keeping in touch with some of my friends because I am not really close to any of them, I don't look forward to going out with them and don't particularly enjoy it when I am out. I feel like I am wasting my time and money.
I don't have a huge amount of spare cash and often when we go to restaurants I think to myself if I'm going to spend that amount of money going for a meal I would rather go out for a meal with my husband.
My husband and I tend to go out for meals spontaneously now and then and I do enjoy going out with him.
A few years ago a few friends made comments that made me realise they were jealous of some aspects of my life and I've never had those friendships you see on TV where your friend truly has your back. I have other groups of friends who are more caring although I wouldn't say we are close. I don't think bad experiences are the reason behind hating having plans either as I felt this way before then.
I don't know if there is something wrong with me. I don't think it is anxiety that makes me hate having plans. I don't worry about meeting up with friends. I do suffer with depression but I don't think it is that either.
It seems to be something about having commitments in my diary where I feel like I have lost my freedom.
In the past I have cut my friends off by getting rid of social media and not giving them my new number so they had no way of contacting me for months which I did feel a bit bad about.
My sisters, brother, their kids and our parents get together every month or so, usually at my parents' house. This is usually arranged in advance and tends to be a Sunday during the day. I enjoy these occasions and look forward to them despite them being pre-arranged whereas a BBQ at a friend's house on a Sunday would be something I'd dread.
In my free time I like to be doing things that make me feel like I'm getting somewhere like sorting clothes out to go on ebay/ to charity, meal planning/ prepping, making money online (swagbucks, surveys etc.) but I wouldn't say I have no time in life for 'fun'.
With my family I suppose I am more enthusiastic to invest in those relationships and I possibly feel more able to come and go as I please which could be why I don't hate having plans with them.
I'm trying to work out why I hate having plans with friends so much. I feel as though I would genuinely be happier not having friends.
Does anyone else feel this way about having plans?