To ask for a hand hold - feeling on the brink

[LMW1990]

Hi Mumsnetters,

I'm really hoping that just writing this will be cathartic. I can't function at the moment and today I just feel in bits.

At the beginning of the year I suffered a traumatic experience. I won't go into to too much details save to say I'm heartbroken and not coping at all. I'm on a waiting list for counselling therapy and have tried everything I can to pull myself out of the doldrums, so to speak. My DP has been amazing but he's going through his own stresses and worrying about his two DC who live with us 50% of the time. I love them all dearly and to be honest I'm not sure I could have got through recent months without them. I hate to burden him when I feel this down.

My DM has been poorly for some time and was diagnosed with cancer on Thursday. I'm beyond shocked and absolutely devastated. The Dr are hopeful that they have caught it early but it doesn't stop the worry, especially when we were not expecting such a diagnosis.

Due to my experience at the beginning of the year I had to give up work. I am looking for another job now as we simply cannot go on the way we are. I am freelancing in my field but waiting for invoices to be paid is painful.

Rent is due today and I have no idea how we will pay it.

I feel absolutely on the brink right now. The pressure in my head is at exploding point.

I do not know where to turn and I guess I just wanted a hand hold and someone to listen.

Sorry for the ramble!!

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed OP. You've got so much on your plate right now.
Could you talk to your GP and ask if your counselling sessions could be brought forward?

Thanks @Greatduckcookery - overwhelmed is exactly how I feel. I just can't see the light. I spoke to them last week and apparently I'm 'not a priority' case. It's frustrating. All I seem to do is cry and worry - and that's just not me. I'm usually a very happy go lucky person. This has really knocked me for six and I feel so sorry for my poor DP - he just doesn't know what to do. He's trying to keep things as normal as possible but sometimes I just want to scream that it's not normal!

Deep slow breaths, and take it one minute at a time. Remember, you are not a burden to anyone, family life is about give and take and it cant always go in one direction

Thanks you @UpstartCrow you're right. I'm used to being the strong one and the one that holds us all together. And I'm completely falling apart. I have never suffered with anxiety until recently and can quite honestly say I now understand how bad it can be! I've been sat here all morning, wondering whether to post or not, trying to block out the rent situation and then crying about my mum. It feels like a never-ending circle

Sorry your GP doesn't see you as a priority. They probably do actually but are possibly rammed with other patients needing counselling too, maybe ask if you can go on the cancellation list.

Try and take some time out each day for yourself. Reading or just sitting quietly in the garden. Thinking of you.

Are you taking anything for your anxiety OP?

@greatduckcookery - I think you're right. They probably have a list as long as your arm of people needing counselling and going private is so out of reach for most people.

My DP says the same to me - I'm just the worst person at relaxing! My own worst enemy.

Yes I'm taking propanolol as and when I need it... more often than ever this last week

Sending you lots and lots of love. Please try not to think about what might happen but just deal with 'today'. Keep breathing. Be kind to yourself and others.

Thanks @MelanieLampshade - I think it's all just got on top of me today. I feel like I'm letting people down, although they don't know it or feel it because I'm protecting people the best I can. Today feels like it could be rock bottom - so the only way is up? I can't imagine feeling any lower

I have no advice to give you but am sending you a huge virtual {{{{{hug}}}}}.

Thank you @sunshinewithabitofdrizzle that means a lot!

Citizens advice bureau may be able to offer support with your rent situation.
Some cancer charities can help support relatives deal with a diagnosis.
Also, I accessed free counselling through a local university by agreeing that my anonymised data could be used to help train student counsellors.
And finally huge (((hugs))) and for you. xx

Please speak to your landlord or estate agent and explain that you can't pay today, they will have so much more respect if you warn them instead of just ignoring it. They may give you extra time or a chance to pay it back later on. They can't just chuck you out though so don't worry about that. In the mean time do you have any bits and bobs lying about you could sell to out towards or pay the bills, could be spare TV in another room of the house, console you rarely use, jewellery you no longer really care for, even if you can get a bit to help you get along it all adds up! If your GP won't help, I believe you can self refer yourself to time to talk which is a great way to get into the mental health services, they tend to get back to you within a couple of working days? May be worth a try. Honestly the only way is up from here, and trust me it will get better.

@coldtattywaitingforsummer - thank you. I think I may have left is too late for CAB. Stuck my head in the sand and thought everything would resolve itself before today came - stupid of me really. We had great support from Macmillan when my DGD was poorly so I'm hoping the same will happen this time - though I pray we won't need it for long . That's interesting re counselling and will look into that.

Thank you to you all for your support today. I sorted the rent and contacted another self-referral counselling provider. I feel like I've come out of the other side of a really bad day. There's still a mountain to climb but I've made the first steps.

Only just found your thread OP but just want to say well done for making so much progress today. We're always here if you need to offload

Having another particularly rough day . I just feel a bit out of control with my emotions I suppose. My DP and I had 'words' last night and this morning. For reasons I do understand, he is still technically married to DSC DM. She has threatened to move the children away etc. once the divorce is finalised. They also own a house together which he sees as the kids home and doesn't want them to lose it. I don't think she will move (she could have moved before now anyway if she really wanted to) and it's all empty threats, but it scares him so much that he is reticent to sort things out. However, after recent events, I'm finding it hard. I want to be a proper part of his and the kids lives, not just the person daddy lives with. DSD in particular, who is older, is very vocal about how much she loves me and last night wanted cuddles from me and daddy because 'she loves us both'. That's one of things keeping me sane at the moment, looking after them. I just wish DP could see how much it means to me and would get things moving. When I already feel so low this just fans the flames of me feeling down and insecure. It's ridiculous really, because I know he loves me. I'm not saying he has to marry me even, but being married to someone else is just a bit much for me. I know some people don't divorce for years and are perfectly happy with their DP as they are. But it's not for me. I want to have my own children soon and I would want us both to be free to marry should we choose to do so, when that time comes. Sorry for rambling to you all again, it just helped a lot last time!