Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To Expect DH to do more stuff?

14 replies

DSMEZ · 25/05/2007 17:18

I am really angry with my dh for not doing more with our 2 dcs. He's got a job where he doesn't see them at all when he is working, so I do every thing. On the days he is off, he still does nothing. Is it unreasonable of me to think that he should at least try to bathe one of our 2 dcs without me nagging him all the time? The most he does is give a drink to the oldest. So fed up of him NEVER just stepping in. Why must I nag nag nag?

OP posts:

LittleWonder · 25/05/2007 17:21

Hand over DC's plus any instructions and go out for the day. It will do wonders for you all.

singingmum · 25/05/2007 17:22

As my son used to say when people didn't do what they should'Stick a rocket up his butt'
Seriously though you need to tell him how you feel and not nag.Try to do it nicely even though you may prefer my sons suggestion.
There seems to be a few on MN who's dh don't really help with dc's.Am afraid I am not one but I still think talking is best option

Original poster

DSMEZ · 25/05/2007 17:24

What does your dh do singing mum?

OP posts:

Lolly68 · 25/05/2007 17:25

Sounds like my DP. I've just phoned him from work and said that he has to pick DD up from nursery cos I'm off out for a few hours. He didnt like it very much but this is the first time in a year and a half that I've done what I'm doing!!

BandofMothers · 25/05/2007 17:25

Don't hint about it tell him straight out that you expect him to do more on his days off. Then when he complains point out that he does actually get days off and that unless he helps out more, YOU DON'T.....
It's not fair, and it's not acceptable, it's a partnership, and if he doesn't think that looking after them is a "real job" then take LittleWonder's advice and leave him for a whole day, bedtime and all, and see how he feels then.

LittleWonder · 25/05/2007 17:37

I remember pre-divorce when we went to relate, ex-DH said "when I look after the Dc's she doesn't always thank me"...quick as a flash the councellor turned around and said "And do you thank her for looking after them?"

HonoriaGlossop · 25/05/2007 18:03

DS, I agree that he needs to have sole care of them. You need to have a day out, and leave them with him so that they HAVE to muddle along together and he has to find ways of dealing with them.

I find it really hard to respect men who don't get involved with their own kids at all. Well, I don't respect them.

My dh:

is home at about 5.30pm and when he comes in despite a long cycle ride home he just has a glass of water then gets on and plays with ds. After dinner we get ds ready for bed and bath and we do this between us but DH is ALWAYS involved fully. DH reads ds his bedtime stories most nights. We go up in turns 'checking' on ds while he drops off.

DH and I take it in turns to be with ds at things like doctor's appointments and we time our holidays so that we both have time off to look after ds in the school holidays.

DH takes ds to children's parties if I can't or don't fancy it.

He takes him to the park at the weekend and swimming every weekend, taking responsibility for organising ds' swimming lessons and takes him for a lunch out afterwards.

That's what i expect from him as a father to be honest. We both decided to have a child and we both do the work. I know some men don't have every evening available to be at home but there is really no excuse for doing as little as your DH. I wouldn't accept that not only because it shows little respect for you but also because that doesn't allow for much of a relationship between your dh and the kids, does it?

singingmum · 25/05/2007 18:06

My dp works in a supermarket and spends a lot of time with dc's and me when not in work.He is one of those helpful loving dp's that seem to be rare here

HonoriaGlossop · 25/05/2007 18:19

Meant to add I am sitting on MN now because my DH is in with DS, their stories are finished and they are now happily making up fantasy stories together

Dads can be so precious to kids and the relationship is like no other.

I think you'd be doing eveyone a favour DSM if you force your DH's hand a bit.

BandofMothers · 27/05/2007 09:19

at your lovely DH/DP's.

HG how would you force their hand. If they are not motivated by the child itself, how do you get them to be more involved without becoming a nag. In short I would want DH to spend time with dc's cos he wants to not because he knows it'll be a Nagathon until he does.

wheresthevalium · 27/05/2007 09:35

What a difficult situation. Not making excuses for your DH, but is it possible that he lacks the confidence to look after them properly, or is he just a lazy so and so?

I have to admit that since splitting with my DH my workload has about halved, I just have to look after DDs now instead of nagging, pleading with DH then doing it myself

Dottydot · 27/05/2007 09:44

No, no, I think it's entirely reasonable that your dh doesn't play a part in taking care of his children, even on the days he is off work. Can't see why that would be a problem at all.

Marls001 · 29/05/2007 05:28

Honoria's post makes total sense; entirely agree!!

My DH has a 12-hour-per-day job; as soon as he's home (6:00 pm), he's on duty with our DSs until he puts them to bed, before firing up his laptop again for another few hours of work. Can't fathom a man being busier, yet he manages to pull his weight w/ the kids. Given this lucky situation it's been really hard for me to see other DHs use being "busy" as an excuse for not spending time with their children.

(On weekends when home we do 2-hours-on-two-hours-off with each other, so we can both get our projects done.)

If you leave for a full day as suggested, hopefully will work wonders with his attitude!

If it doesn't, try another full day

twentypence · 29/05/2007 05:49

Dh was hopeless when ds was a baby and I was a SAHM. Then I decided to teach from home (it was only 1 evening to start with) but it meant dh had to give ds his bath and stories alone. He gradually ended up doing it every night - even when I am not working. It helps that he is very much a creature of habit, and so once the habit is formed it's unshakeable!

Then I got a job at a school, so dh had to start taking ds to preschool one day a week, and then I got afternoon pupils and so he had to do the pick up too.

But it has given him amazing confidence and he can look after ds as well as I can (probably better because he can play soccer!)

So I agree with the other's except to say don't give him a whole days worth at once, he will spontaneously combust. Present him with a choice "which dc would you like to bathe?", or "I'm taking batman, you can have Robin". Then work up to the dizzy heights of "you get their drinks, while I make their sandwich".

Don't expect him to be psychic - just tell him what you want to see one chore at a time.

Flip