To ask you how to be more assertive with my in laws/life in general

[Flyawaypeterflyawaypaul]

Name change for this.
When I had my ds, my in laws became very overbearing, think handing out unsolicited advice over and over, ignoring my wishes about visiting, turning up unannounced, staying for hours, trying to sabotage my breastfeeding, which failed miserably as I couldn’t get them out of the house/to put my ds down.
I’m pregnant again and I don’t want this to happen.
What I have learned about myself is that instead of facing things head on when people are disrespectful of my wishes, I say nothing and then seethe quietly, and I know this really isn’t helpful. I do it at work, and with friends. I do think that people have more respect for you in general if you stand up for yourself. But I seem to be a bit of a pushover. As my in laws have got away with it for so long, they just do as they please, or if I try to put a rule in place/tell them how something is going to be, they kick up a fuss with my dp.

I know that a lot of people are going to reply and say I have a dp problem not an in law problem. But what I have figured is that I can’t change my dps behaviour, I can’t change my in laws, I can only change my own.

I feel like during pregnancy/post natal period, the woman who has given birth wishes should be paramount and I don’t want to be in a position where they get all their own way again. So for those of you who manage to assert yourselves and get what you want (when it matters I don’t mean I should have my own way all of the time), how do you go about it?
I don’t want to fall out with anyone, they are dps parents and he loves them dearly, but I know that they will become more interfering when this baby is born and I can’t face dealing with it again.

Yes dp has an older brother. But he has no gf or wife or dc so she just pleases herself in and out of his home doing his washing etc. If/when dps brother ever meets a woman who can stand up for herself, there will be trouble because mil won’t cope with taking second place. The only reason mil and I haven’t came to blows is because I avoid confrontation.
She seems to need This constant involvement in her dcs lives. It’s overinvolvement however.

They do provide childcare 1-2 days per week. Which is a big help for us I can’t deny. But at the same time it is meeting their needs also because they really enjoy doing it.
My ds is due to get his free nursery hours in a couple of months. It will be 30 hours he is entitled to. They have asked me not to put him in the full 30 because they enjoy she having him so much (like I say both retired so they have plenty of time the rest of the week). It seems such a shame, because if they weren’t so over involved, and could just remain involved without overstepping the mark, this would be a brilliant arrangement that would meet all of our needs. Most importantly ds adores them, and I have no worries about their care of him.

But as it is, I think I will have to look at full time nursery then it will be school for ds, and maybe after maternity leave paying a childminder for dc2, as I can’t continue like this. The benefits of cost and having family look after dc are becoming outweighed by their interference and smugness when trying to correct us about parenting etc.

I get what you're saying. With my IL's the cost is with SIL1 who has 3 DC and my other SIL2 (married to BIL) who is overwhelming with regard to DNephews - organises their parties at her home, takes them to toy shops or in holiday. At face value its nice but SIL1 is increasingly making noises about taking back control.

Above all its what is best for your DC. The full 30 hours will allow him to be fully involved and not miss out. Could they collect him on their days? That way you're (and DH) have made a decision as parents. You'd be starting to set boundaries and if it's difficult then blame nursery - settling better, making friends, consistency, prep for school,etc. If they don't want to do that then full time childcare which includes the 30 hours.

To be honest though you sound like you're very close to the end of your tether and I don't blame you.

Oraiste your sil sounds nuts!
that’s a good plan though I don’t work full time so 30 hours would cover my entire childcare for dc1 or near enough and I would just need to think about a childminde/childcare for dc2 after maternity leave.

Some of the replies on here are really interesting. Some people think that I’m so lucky getting free childcare for part of the week, which it is, but it certainly has strings attached and isn’t problem free.

I think I’m going to practice being assertive and see how things go when dc2 is here. But if there is no change I think it will need to be a case of they aren’t respecting our rules, we can’t rely on them for childcare any longer.

I've had similar issues with my MIL over the last 3 years.
The things I've found helpful are:
-if she calls over uninvited eg with a card take the card but don't let her in. No reward/incentive to do it again.
-ignore most of her phone calls/texts. If she wants to visit or communicate do it thru my DH.
-just kindly accept all the unnecessary clutter she buys us but give it to charity.
-don't accept any childcare from her really. She's had my kids 3 times in 3 years & that's for no more than 2 hours in my house.

Stand your ground over issues that are important to you & remember YOU know best for your family.
It sounds like I'm a really tough assertive person but I'm not-that's why I was attracted to your post! But there's been plenty of times when I've been hiding in my bedroom with massive anxiety when she's come over or I've drank a bottle of wine to cope. Good luck!

I'd also add that I'm very nice to her face! Kill her with kindness is my motto.

Op any whiff of any grand parent looking after dc in any capacity suddenly your beholden etc.

Utter rubbish it's thiers choice to do it or not.
As you say it's filling thier need.

We too have endured countless manipulations, endless manipulation to get at dc. It's so horrid.

You have not mentioned the your own parents I don't think. Are they around, do you get on with them?
You need help here.

Another good one is to start being out alot.. Don't answer the door and make it clear things are making you unhappy slowly at start.

The bottom line is its ruining your own experience of having children and its so sad but we see it time and time again on here it's over bearing people who will. Not. Listen. ALWAYS!!

Hi raynedance yes my parents are around and my mum used to help me with ds, but they are having health problems at the moment so this isn’t possible now.
I totally agree that once regular childcare is part of the picture with some grandparents, it’s like leverage to have a hold and control over their family. Yet the irony is if we were to stop them providing the childcare and reduce the contact, they would be devestated. Its such a shame it has to be like this. Ds would miss the regular contact too.
I never want to be like this if/when my dc have children of their own. I’d be happy to help but I will never forget feeling this way and Will go out of my way to avoid behaving like my inlaws.

Thanks junkfood some good suggestions there too. I’m going to have to get my big girls pants on!