Second baby discussion

[Notsure1111]

Have name changed for this. My DD is 18 months old. We tried a long time then stopped because nothing was happening then about a year later got pregnant out of the blue. She is perfect and so was my pregnancy etc we've been extremely lucky.

From the moment I held her I knew I wanted more children. Even through all the teething and crying and illnesses and problems I still feel the same. Problem is DH does not want anymore children at all. His main reasons are "she is perfect and enough for me" and "what if your next pregnancy doesn't go as well or there is something wrong with the baby etc" he is petrified we've used up all our good luck.

What do we do in this situation? I am not at the point I desperately want another baby and we haven't argued about it. But what about when push comes to shove and we have to have that crunch talk? I am 33 so I feel like I have time. For reference we have space in our home and room to extend and are comfortable financially etc with a lot if childcare help from family etc so there is nothing against having another from a practical point of view. Anyway help!

Anyone?

Not sure I can be that much help, but wanted to answer your post as it was looking a bit lonely with no responses!

We have 2 DCs, so I am very fortunate. That said I desperately want a third. DH has said he is very happy with the two we want and 100% doesn't want another. I think unless you are both sure you want another, the person who doesn't, wins.

However, I think having just 1 and wanting a second is different to having 2 and wanting a 3rd, as with the latter, there is already a sibling.

I really feel for you OP, this must be so so hard. Have you always known DH only wanted 1 child? Did you discuss this before you had your first child?

No we didn't really we just knew we wanted a baby and then it didn't happen for a while,we never thought we'd be having a discussion about having another. He says he is adamant but his reasons seem more about "what if" than any concrete reason so I'm not sure when to have the serious conversation. It's been quite jokey so far when we've talked about it since she's been born.

Oh dear

My DH took a small bit of convincing to have a second (who is now 4 weeks old!) I had a miscarriage and after that he realised how much he wanted a second child. I am an only child and whilst I am super close to my parents and had a lovely childhood I always wanted my DS to have a sibling. My DH, who has a sibling, wasn’t that bothered.

You need a frank discussion with him about how much it means to you to add to your family. I know it’s a rubbish feeling because there was a point where I thought my DH wouldn’t have anymore

Our story was very similar. Took nearly 3 years to conceive, happened naturally in the end after DH had some health issues treated. DD had awful reflux and it was hard work in the early days. I wanted more, he didn’t. I just left it, waited a while. He has now come round to the idea (although unfortunately it won’t happen naturally again). However the older DD gets, the more I see the benefits of having just one. She’s not a lonely only at all. We’ll waiting to have an appointment about our fertility issues before we make a final decision.

So I’d say give it some time...your DD is only 18 months and small age gaps are hard work! Maybe one of you will change your mind in time.

My dh was the same. He thought our life was perfect and was enjoying being out of baby stage. I was very firm that I wanted our son to have a sibling and that was my main selling point. Anyway it worked and I got pregnant with twins, sadly I lost them at 9 weeks in a horrid lengthy process (at various points we were told one baby would survive) in the end I needed surgery to remove the babies and he was terribly upset. Made him realise that he actually did want another baby. He cried more than me!

Anyway we tried again and I got pregnant with twins again they are 14 weeks old and bloody hard work but worth it!

If it helps, we had the reverse ‘problem’. My husband wanted more than one, I was happy with just our ds.
It didn’t help that he tried to start the conversation when ds was about 6 weeks old and I wasn’t even thinking about sex let alone another child 🙄
We kept talking about it and I did eventually agree that it would be nice for ds to grow up with a sibling. We starting trying when he was 9 months old. It had taken about a year to fall with ds...I was pregnant by when he was 10 months old 🙈.x

I think you both need professional help to sort out this stalemate. This is not something that you can discuss by yourselves and expect to come to a solution. You need a couple's therapist to help you break this down and the anxieties involved.I know marriages that have ended over this.

Do you want a second child more than you want a happy relationship/marriage/family for your extant child? Would you rather be a single mum hoping to find someone else to have a second baby with than stay in your current relationship? Would you be willing to give up your marriage for the possibility of having another child?

Only if the answers to those questions are "yes" should there be a "when push comes to shove" or "crunch time".

Prioritise your actual family, not some hypothetical.

Medea tough words but it's helped me narrow down how I feel. the answer is no, I'd rather go without another child to keep my happy marriage and my daughter here in our family home. I do think my husband will come round but maybe at some point if it does become a huge issue we will have to resort to counselling to bring out more of why he doesn't want another and how I truly feel. Thanks for your insights. Twins 🙈 I think I would be a single mum if that happened. Sorry to hear about your losses to those that shared thank you.

A man I work with had 1 DS and that was enough for him, he couldn't imagine having any more and didn't feel the need to have more. He feels differently now he has had 2 DDs.
I hope your DH changes his mind.