Who IBU here? First world problems...

[whoopsiedaisies]

DH books 'surprise' holiday for him, me and our 9mo DC back in Feb. It's this weekend, to Italy for four days.

We have already had numerous holidays this year. One to his parents house in France, one the three of us to Greece.

Money is VERY tight, we need new clothes, shoes, hair cuts etc but trying not to spend as we don't have it.

DH has informed me of surprise holiday- thinks I am being ungrateful because I don't think he should have booked it. I think it's selfish of him, he wanted to go on holiday and so has angled it as a surprise trip, because he knew I could have put the money to better things over the last few months. I think two holidays is MORE than enough and that we have been v v lucky to have those.

Since booking this surprise trip we have had DS baptised (both sets of parents helped out with money behind the bar and christening outfits) and booked a wedding venue for next year (again, parents helping out).

My parents feel v used, like we are being irresponsible with money, and I agree with them. Not sure who to side with, who is being unreasonable? DH thinks He shouldn't have to check with PIL whenever he wants to book a trip, PIL think they'd love a holiday themselves but are living within their means, and that it's mean to take DS away when he would be just has happy in the paddling pool at home.

I don't think it's anything to do with your parents or his. You need to sort this out between you and DH.

You need to sit down and have a sensible discussion about finances with him. Look at in comings and outgoings. Show him what you are not spending on because of his excess

Holidays are great but not at the expense of being secure. There's nothing worse than that knot in your stomach when you realise how perilous things are.

Whilst it's nothing to do with the parents - if they are constantly being asked for money yet see you spending it this way I can see why they are annoyed.

If your parents and pil helped you out with the christening because you are on a tight budget and couldn't afford it, it's a bit of a slap in the face to be using your money to have another holiday.
I'd be fuming with DH if he did that and would cancel whatever I could.

Well if people fund your choice (getting married, your child’s Christening) then they will usually have an opinion.
I see their point of view entirely. If they removed their money from the wedding etc, what would happen? Would your partner have a bit of a reality check that he’s taking the piss or not?
If you can’t afford a haircut, then holidays are way way down the list of priorities.

I’d be pissed off if I’d been expected to hand over money for non essentials and then a flash holiday was booked.

Think your DH needs to learn to listen to other people, or at least consider their opinions. If you want to do it all your own way, be financially independent would be my tuppence worth. I can see where your parents are coming from.

I can see two sides really.

Firstly your DH doesn’t need check about booking a holiday with yours his parents. But they are helping you financially with the christening and wedding, and your parents, by the sounds of it, would like a holiday themselves but have helped you out instead.

Secondly yes you have had two holidays this year.

So I would say on this occasion, I think your DH was being unreasonable to book the holiday.

Both I think, your DH for booking a holiday you can't afford and you for taking their money.

A christening is supposed to be about the child joining the church and gods family, it doesn't need a party or paid bar. Neither does a wedding need to cost lots, it's less than £200 for a quick trip to the registry office. Both are non essentials just like the holiday.

YANBU. He is being self-indulgent and taking the piss to accept financial help and still spend on luxuries.

Is he selfish in other ways?

I'm with your parents on this, it would seem like a slap in the face. You need to sit down with your DH and explain that you can't accept any more money from parents if he's going to spend money like it's water.

I don't think it's anything to do with your parents or his. You need to sort this out between you and DH.
But if the OP and her DH are being helped with the costs of christening etc by parents, it becomes their business to an extent, if they are spending as if they have loads of spare cash. Surely most people would feel a bit guilty booking yet another trip abroad, whilst accepting financial help?

Cancel the holiday or gift it to your dps.
Your dh is spending while your dps are your safety net.
He is taking the piss.

Why have you and your husband booked a wedding venue? Are you renewing vows?

I would be mortified if my DH did this, hope you told your parents the holiday booking was nothing to do with you. Does your DH not see how selfish and disrespectful he's made himself (and you by extension) look to your family? He must be incredibly thick skinned if he can't see (or doesn't care) that taking money from others for the baptism etc and then swanning off on holiday makes him a first class cunt, is he not even the slightest bit embarrassed?

Going forward there has to be an agreement on no more 'surprises', all major financial decisions should be joint and I would want some assurance that he won't embarrass you like this ever again, he owes you and your DP's a massive apology

According to your other posts, you buy lush, new jackets, false lashes etc yet saying you can't afford essentials? You both sound like you need to grow up and remember you are adults with responsibilities

Your parents need to stop enabling your spending habits.

He sounds like my ex, who always meant well, but didn't seem to understand the idea of saving to have money later for necessary purchases - he once even said 'lets re do the kitchen, while there's some money', when one of us looked likely to lose our job imminently. It doesn't excuse it, but some people don't seem to realise that whether there's money or not, is for them to try to control, by careful spending.

@MurryFinge
Why have you and your husband booked a wedding venue? Are you renewing vows?

I wondered that, too.

I'm confused, you call him your DH but talk about planning a wedding?

I wouldn't contemplate marrying someone as financially irresponsible. He has booked a third holiday while your DP and PiL have helped with the cost of the christening (never been to one with a bar - usually its home for a tea) and will help with wedding cost but can't afford to go on holiday themselves. How is that acceptable? He's rubbing their nose in it and as another poster said, you can get married for a few hundred pounds, its not obligatory to go the whole hog.

Whilst he sounds to be the main problem, you honestly don't sound much better to be honest. If you are hard up, what possessed you to splurge out other people's money on a fancy christening with bar, new outfits etc. Seems completely unnecessary.

I've never heard of a christening with a bar - or 'christening outfits' , except for the baby. OTT, IMO, and quite unnecessary.

As for a 4 day break abroad with a baby, quite apart from it evidently being money you can't afford, I should have thought it a lot more trouble than it's worth. All that baby-paraphernalia to cart around for just a few days!

YANBU but I am also confused about the wedding thing....

If you are not married and are hard up, don't have an expensive wedding that parents and PILS have to fund. Just do it quietly and inexpensively.

It sounds as though you and he have different ideas about money/priorities. I think a serious chat is in order before you tie yourself to this man financially (assuming you didn't mean DH)

From your other posts, you appear to have only got back from your last holiday a week ago, you posted on May 7th 'just back from holiday' and then mention on May 20th being in Croatia.

Added to which you are planning a wedding for 120 people, as if a christening with a bar and new outfits wasn't enough. I think you and your DP or DH or whatever he is are both financially irresponsible and I think you should be ashamed to take money from your parents knowing they are unable to afford a holiday.

Time to be adults and take responsibility for yourselves.

Did parents pay because they want to help towards baptism & wedding or because they couldn't happen without their help?

Classic behavior, probably because he doesn't think of all the small things that need doing like haircuts because you organize all that, right?

I remember me and dh before our wedding he lost his job and we were broke, stressed af and I'd borrowed a small amount of money from my job to buy food. With his share he spent the whole whack on a £50 jar of ginseng honey. No fucking clue, really I feel your pain.

Changed locations of last holiday slightly as thought it might be outing, and we are engaged but is 'DF' for dear fiancé a phrase on MN? I didn't think it was good practise to use other posts in a new one?

Baptism we had people coming from all over so had a little do at local pub so people could eat before long drives home, me and DH paid for all food and put a bit behind the bar and parents also put a bit behind the bar because they wanted to help too. Had saved for ages to do that, and I know it's not essential and it's about religion, but rarely do we get together as a family so it was lovely to make a proper day of it and hang out!

I'm back at work from September, and so we will both be working full time again then. Wedding next year we are paying for, parents were helping with deposit (which we will pay back) to secure the venue.

Also yes I bought a new jacket and a bath bomb this year but not entirely relevant to this post, I feel?

We can get quite a bit of money back from cancelling the holiday and that is what we are going to do. Hopefully lesson learnt DH (no surprise fancy things...) and will use that money for venue deposit.