To ask how you mange racist family members

[Metoodear]

Inspired by another thread just wondered how those who are in interracial marriages manage racists family members.

I can see if your dp or dw is the first person of another race you have ever been with it must be very difficult as this will be a first for you also I can well see how

Family members may not have shown any rasict views right up until the time it was their daughter or son marrying ........

also we definitely don’t announce to people that I am black so they can temper their reactions before meeting me or get”used to the idea” because that in itself is rasict in our view

My family make up dh white me black children mixed raced

Mil is very racist dh did warn me she would never say anything directly to me but is very passive aggressive with it so when I have cain row she would say that’s a very interesting hair style dear
Ect now I could just about tolerate her for the sake of dh hower their relationship has always been fraught as he’s always dated black women and they just keep their distance but now we have children we have had to go virtually NC
My fil is fine and the siblings bil is married to a Asian lady

I could make excuses for her as she lives in a very white area of the U.K. and has never experienced diversity in any really way however two out of her 4 children are married to somone non white she has many non white grandchildren and dh grandma was very accepting and it was actually her I thought I have the issues with

On meeting his nan
She said oh your a dark lass their was a dark chap during the war I had a moment with and that was that

So tell me about how you have gone about things
We will always try and educate people but if their not for learning then I am afraid it’s NC I have kids and won’t have them exposed to racist uncle Dave because he was kind when I was a child

I've worked in multi cultural multi national organisations all my life and broadly, if were to apply some stereotypes I've observed the following:

Indians - caste system can prove tricky in office politics
Greeks & Turks - that little matter of Cyprus
West Indians & Black Africans - lets just not even go on how they treat each other
Irish sectarianism

When I look back, the only people who happily chatted to everyone with no prejudices (on display) were The British - and even then all 4 countries have their own hate agendas with every one.

These threads always tend to assume it is the white element that projects racist views. I have a lot of mixed race couples as friends, and frankly their black/Asian matriarch figures tend to be the worst, quite vile in some instances, if I repeated what they said about there white DILs to their faces (let alone behind their back) I'd be banned from MN

*typos galore

It’s a tricky one . I am white but DH is from N Africa. His extended family are from rural parts and so I got used to be stared at. People would just come up to me, stand next to me. His uncle would call me “white girl” in their dialect and I would get quizzes on American and British middle east policies . To be honest I would laugh it off even though I wasn’t comfortable . My family didn’t recognise our Muslim marriage as a proper wedding and the number of comments I have had about whether my DH is going to sell for a camel ....I tend to answer with jokes but that’s my style.

But I think your situation is different because you are in your country and the history of black oppression.

But what can you do ?
Talk to her about it ? But I suspect you don’t think she would open up or change her thinking. But i bet she doesnt know she offends you.

Make a joke next time she says something? If she says something about your hair I’d say “ yeah , get with the times , Barbara. It’s all the rage. Plus I don’t think a blue rinse would suit me “

Don’t go and see her ? How would DH or DS feel?

How is she with BIL or SIL who is Indian? Same snide comments ?

I feel for you. I long for a world where difference is praised not criticised.

FIL was racist until sil met a lovely dual heritage lad n he changed his mind literally overnight. He also used to think it funny when I pulled him up for his behaviour. He passed last year n we all really miss him but not that part of him.

My neice also has an asian boyfriend n our cousin was asking if he was from pakistan (he's born n bread british asian) so I asked her to repeat herself a few times until she corrected her question then the convo carried on.

Dd and her school mates are lucky to have such a diverse school, the only difference they see is someone else has better erasers or pencil cases than them haha

That’s quite a racist post in itself NewYear, or have I really missed something?

I'm mixed race, though not obviously so. My FIL (who does know, but chooses to ignore it) is very racist. Think openly praising the BNP. I used to just walk away when he made racist jokes/comments but since having kids we've been more direct. The final straw was the use of the p word when dc were there (pre verbal). We told him if he ever used language like that around them again he wouldn't be allowed to see them.

My granny was racist and struggled with my dad's marriage to a mixed race woman and subsequent mixed race grandchildren - though she loved us anyway. My parents always challenged her on it and were open with us about why it was wrong.

My brother is racist. I challenge him. I don't understand why he has chosen this path. He has no argument, no point, he follows right wing things on social media. He makes no sense and any argument or point he tries to make is easily dismantled and yet he persists. I have very little to do with him but at a social gathering I challenged him on his racist and abusive remarks, everyone there supported me but not until I'd been talking for a while. They hang out with him often and just nod and smile!

Confront, challenge, use humour. Have an earnest and serious conversation, alluding to the effect on the children to seeing one side of their identity disrespected (I’d liken it hearing one parent castigate the other after divorce, i.e. serious affect on self-esteem no personality cohesion).

All that fails, sadly and reluctantly NC. That’s got to be a realistic option. But explore all the avenues first.

As a parent, you have to be prepared to protect your children from busy. And racism is abuse.

Abuse nit busy