To think mothers react differently than fathers to the sound of their child crying?

[BoardsofCanada]

We (me, DW + DD) went out yesterday for the first time with DD in the new bike trailer. Obviously it was a new experience for DD (18 months), and she wasn't really happy with it at first - there was crying and refusing to sit down in the trailer, all while trying to work out where to put the diaper bag and other stuff, but I was sure that once we got moving she would calm down, which she did. What made the whole thing a million times more stressful was DW telling me what I was doing wrong and snapping at me because of the time it was taking to get ready and because DD was crying / angry. It seems like my DW and I react differently to our DD crying, DW seems to find it incredibly stressful, whereas I don't. Is this a common experience for other couples with their children?

On average in British society, mothers and fathers probably do react differently. We live in a very gendered society and women have a lot more social expectation placed on them to stop their very young children crying whereas men are rarely put in the position where they are made to feel responsible for it. You seem to suggest that men aren’t stressed by children crying though. But in my experience men are some of the first to complain and the last to do anything about it (on average).

In my experience mums are more likely to let their kids cry than dads.

@BoomBoomsCousin So are you saying that a mother with a crying baby in a public space, like a cafe or a on a train is going to be judged more harshly than a man with that child?

My DS is 9 weeks old and I get incredibly stressed when he is upset where as DH stays calm.

Say I put him down for 5 mins and he starts crying, DH's opinion is 'well he's not going to die' where as hearing DS scream feels like it physically hursts me! I can't stand it.

There has been occasions, like in the car, where I've snapped and been very stressed at DH when DS is crying because it goes against everything in my body to hear him cry and not be able to do anything about it.

YABU

I think it just depends on the individual. In our relationship, my DP (male) has a very hard time with our son (12 months) crying for even a second. I on the other hand (female) don't fuss too much about it. It only stresses me if it's incessant.

Not exactly, but sort of. I think parents get judged in different ways. So a man may be judged just as harshly, but not in a way where people actually expect him to be able to do anything about it (Which is its own form of damnation). And I would say more local places where there are people who know you (even if not well) are often greater pressure exerters than somewhere you are essentially anonymous.

@sirlee66 That is actually what it feels like with the difference in how I and my DW react: I will do everything I can to make sure DD has everything she needs, but it doesn't make me panicky or much more stressed out if she is crying because whatever temporary situation (putting shoes on, waiting for food to be ready) we're in is upsetting her, whereas it seems to cause my DW to become extremely stressed and anxious and that contributes to the tension even more.

I find this depends a huge amount on sleep deprivation and hormones. When I've had very, very little sleep (which is unfortunately the case for most of the last 19 months as we forgot to order one with the sleep function installed) I am stressed by the crying and also hypersensitive to people around me being judgy, and resentful of the fact DH tends to not bother to have a clue what to do to stop DS crying.

When I've had, ooh, more than 4 hours sleep in the previous 48 hours, it's no biggie and I tend to think it's temporary and he's not going to die.

Hormones and susceptibility to their effects often change after pregnancy, and can take one by surprise. I'd never had PMT prior to having DS. I was an exhausted, infuriated, stressed wreck at ovulation and for a few days before the first few periods after DS. The periods themselves were so heavy I felt like dying. This may or may not be relevant to your wife, but bear in mind that if it is relevant she may not really yet be able to control her response to it, because her periods may be so irregular she may be repeatedly being taken by surprise by it all. (this could be totally irrelevant but it has happened to a fair few people I know).

For me it's a natural reaction, I can't just listen to my ds cry if he's distressed I need to go to him. I can't describe the feeling but it's horrible. Dp can quite happily let him cry and ignore him, which then stresses me out more, especially when he actively tries to make me ignore him too.

I also don't care about being judged so that's not a factor in my experience.

I think it depends on the cry. If it's a moany whinging cry then it doesn't stress me but dh finding it stressful. If it's a very upset, more distressing cry, then dh doesn't seem to let it bother him whereas I feel like I am dying inside.

Opposite way round for us. I don't find it stressful when LO cries, however my partner does

I cannot stand the sound of my baby crying and I would chop my limbs off with a rusty knife to stop it, it’s the worst kind of torture for me. It makes me so anxious and feel as though I would move planets to comfort him. It’s inexplicable but I wish it didn’t affect me so much, but alas, it does

whereas DP? He doesn’t seem phased tbh.

Not sure I care about being judged, although I hate being watched whilst trying to comfort my baby

Yep. I respond to the slightest whimper, DH reckons it's fine to leave her a minute. I will drop everything to comfort baby, DH tried to ignore her long enough to finish his breakfast the other day. However, she isn't yet a month old, so responsive parenting is important. At 18 months I may be more laid back.

We live in a very gendered society and women have a lot more social expectation placed on them to stop their very young children crying whereas men are rarely put in the position where they are made to feel responsible for it

I disagree. I find the crying stressful at home as well as in public. Nothing to do with societal expectations!

I even find the distressed cries of other children make me feel uncomfortable

Also I am sure I’ve read somewhere that there is a biological reaction in a mother’s brain when her baby cries.

Dh never seemed too stressed about our baby crying, as in no one likes to hear a baby cry but it didn’t affect him like it did to me.

When our son was a newborn it felt physically painful for me to hear him crying. I would have done anything to stop it. I’ve never felt anything like it before. He had colic and it was a very difficult couple of months.

Now he is older it doesn’t affect me as much. If it’s just a whinging cry I’m fine but it does affect me if he’s very upset. I think it’s because I felt so connected to him when he was born, almost as if he was an extension of me so to hear him cry and not be able to soothe him was very distressing, whereas dh didn’t have that to the same extent. I can’t really explain it but I’ve heard other mums say similar

So are you saying that a mother with a crying baby in a public space, like a cafe or a on a train is going to be judged more harshly than a man with that child?

Hell yes. IME people look at a man with a kid and think “how nice, what a hands on Dad” but for mother’s it’s just expected.

I think the crying thing is also true. It’s weird how I used to get so anxious hearing DS cry in the first few months but other babies crying seemed muted by comparison

I think it's an instinctive thing. I can't bear my baby crying at all it upsets me. But if I go In the bath for example and my husband watches him he doesn't seem phased if he cries, where I will jump out and see what's wrong. But I can also distinguish his cries depending on what he needs my husband can't, so if I were to let him cry I would know if he was just crying for the sake of it or whether he had a need.

It's the opposite in our family. I can generally read why DD is crying so unless she is really distressed I can tolerated a few tears, particularly if I need to get something done like strap her in the car seat, pack bags to get out, make food etc. But her dad gets very stressed with more than a few seconds crying and gets very frustrated if she doesn't calm down. He then stops what he is doing so the whole process takes longer.

To clarify, I am female.

Also I am sure I’ve read somewhere that there is a biological reaction in a mother’s brain when her baby cries.

This. When your baby is small their cry has a measurable physical reaction (makes milk leak). Even now that my DC aren't babies I have a sudden gut physical reaction when I think they are hurt. Have discussed this with DH, he doesn't get the same feeling.

All the other factors mentioned by posters may well be relevant in terms of exhaustion and worry about what other people think but ultimately mothers are biologically wired to have a response to crying.

*My DS is 9 weeks old and I get incredibly stressed when he is upset where as DH stays calm.

Say I put him down for 5 mins and he starts crying, DH's opinion is 'well he's not going to die' where as hearing DS scream feels like it physically hursts me! I can't stand it*

This is us exactly. 10 week old here.

I think women absolutely have a different reaction to babies crying, yes. It’s instinctive and I’m not sure men have that same instinct. It’s probably to do with the survival of the species - if women’s instincts weren’t soecifically tuned in to the baby, the species wouldn’t have survived. It was impossible for me that ignore crying of any of mine, it was as if it was coming from inside of me. Not only that, you can preempt when they’re going to start crying, or wake up, or whatever, even before it happens. It’s a mother’s instinct and I don’t think men share this. Even now (my DC are all 10 and above), if I hear a newborn crying in a restaurant or something, I half stand up!

Depends. My dh is definitely less sensitive to our baby crying.

But is more sensitive to our 3 year old crying, will often pick them up and cuddle them, when I leave them because they're being whingy or trying to manipulate the situation to get what they want.