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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad for my child?

17 replies

GandTthankyou · 01/07/2018 00:09

We moved to our house a year ago and our neighbours came to say hi. We live next door to a little girl one year older than my dd who is 5 - there’s also two more little girls in the houses around/next to them. They all play together. In fact they used to live close to each other and then moved to be near each other again on this road.

After one invite to play from them when we first moved here my dd has kept trying to call on them but they avoid her or say ‘we played with you before’ or she comes home very quiet as they’ve run off.

My dd doesn’t go to the same school as these girls andat her school she has lots of friends so I’m not worried about that. I just feel sad for her that she now avoids going near their houses or comes inside if she hears them playing outside etc.

We’ve talked about how it’s ok - not everyone has to be friends etc and she gets it.

But my goodness AIBU to feel sad for her? Or am I just being soft?

OP posts:

Halfblindbunny · 01/07/2018 00:16

Yanbu to feel sad for her but sounds like she is better off without friends like that. Sounds like the parents are very friendly as well ( moving house to live near your friends is odd) it's very hard to break in to a dynamic like that. When she is older she can go further afield for friends to play out with.

TheVanguardSix · 01/07/2018 00:26

We had a similar situation when we moved into our house (DD was 3 at the time). The kids on the road were all at the same nursery, then the same school, and it was all very cliquey. 5 years on, DD is now 8 and it's all so very different. The kids on the road hardly acknowledge each other. Some have changed schools so they're no longer all at the same place. And also, they've grown into more of who they are, which means their interests and characters aren't in sync. They've all just sort of drifted apart. I find that sad and I'm relieved DD didn't have to go through that.

DD doesn't even bat an eye now. She has such a wonderful friendship group at her current school and that's where her attention lies, socially speaking.
As your daughter gets older and forms more solid friendships at school, she'll focus less on the local kids who are excluding her.
You're not soft at all! None of us like to see our kiddies suffer rejection.

Singlenotsingle · 01/07/2018 00:31

Would it be worth you inviting them round to play? Or maybe having a few BBQs or social gatherings where the children can come and get to know dd, and where the adults can relax and socialise?

HarrietSchulenberg · 01/07/2018 00:41

My mother used to try to get me to play with her friends' children but we never got on and each visit was painful for all concerned. Not all kids want to be friends with each other. If your dd has good friends at school maybe invite them round instead and leave the other girls to it.

lardymclardy · 01/07/2018 00:50

Personally I think 5 is too young to be going and knocking to play. There is a massive difference between 5 and 6/7.

At 5 I would be thinking play arrangements should be being made through the parents not out on the street. It's a lot for a 5 year old to take on board too as to not being wanted/feeling wanted by peers who are older.

Maybe I'm a fuddy duddy, maybe I've never lived in a street where 5 year olds play out - why don't you take your 5 year old to the park and play with her yourself?

sockunicorn · 01/07/2018 00:52

awwww im so sorry :(. Im afraid im spiteful and would be hiring a unicorn pony for the day and letting my daughter and 6 of her friends play on a bouncy castle in my garden (when they werent stroking the unicorn) in full view of these other little girls. Show them how it feels and up your girls street cred!

RedDwarves · 01/07/2018 01:00

YANBU. They're being nasty to her, and even at 5 she will be well aware that they are excluding her.

I wouldn't bother trying to forge a friendship with these kids or their parents. Does your DD have any friends or cousins etc. who she can invite around sometimes?

Arum51 · 01/07/2018 01:13

Yeah, I'm with @sockunicorn. Genuinely. When my youngest was having some issues, I deliberately threw some corking parties for her, and excluded the Mean Girls from the invite list

Starlive22 · 01/07/2018 08:04

@sockunicorn -love it, I'd be exactly the same!!

OP I really feel for you, it's horrible. My niece used to live next door to a family of 4 children who were older than her and I used to hear her shout 'hi friends' over the fence and have to hear them laugh at her and ignore her. She was only 3 and she wanted them to like her. It was heartbreaking.

No tears shed from us when the family moved!

givemesteel · 01/07/2018 08:43

I'd probably go the opposite of sockunicorn and invite them round to play a couple of times, maybe give your DD some lollies to take out to the street to share round, do other fun stuff like a bubble machine or toys they can all play with etc.

I get that you shouldn't have to but if a bit of bribery just breaks down the clique then worth it. They don't have to be her best mates but it's just someone to hang out with informally.

ARealPsych · 01/07/2018 08:50

Did I understand you correctly - you moved to be near them? Did the parents know bout this a and agree with this?

seems a bit weird to me

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/07/2018 08:52

She is learning young some people are arseholes

All efforts to find local friends in our street have failed too . C’est la vie sadly

bbcessex · 01/07/2018 09:16

No,Arealpsyche - you didn’t understand correctly!

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/07/2018 09:32

I agree with others who say at five she shouldn't be calling for friends, play at that age is supervised at home or on play dates.

Maybe the other girls parents don't want to be responsible for her.

Or maybe it's just a case of an established friendship group and her not fitting in. Forcing children to play together never ends happily.

Original poster

GandTthankyou · 02/07/2018 19:29

Oh I should’ve made it clear we always go with her to ask to play etc. sometimes we’re met with xx is having a grumpy day sorry or I think she’s playing at someone else’s house.

We obviously do play with our child and go on bikes rides etc but it’s hard when it’s hot and sunny and everyone’s in the their paddling pools screaming and your child’s the only one not invited

I shouldve also said our ‘road’ is 20 houses that were barns etc attached to farm in a courtyard shape with nothing about in a 3 mile radius of hat makes sense. So she really is left out but I think like you guys say.. she’s learnt something from this and so have I and actually I think it’s more my problem! She’s usually very happy and has lots of friends elsewhere. Must remember that.

A unicorn might just appear though

OP posts:

DogzDogzDogz · 02/07/2018 19:40

My first thought was "shit happens", then I remembered that when I was 7 or so I played with two girls on the street my family had just moved to. I adored them and was so happy, and then from one day to the next they just blanked me in the street. Refused to talk to me. I never got to play with them again and I remember crying myself to sleep and feeling so utterly betrayed. So apologies for my first thought, and I really feel for your daughter. Good thing she has other friends. I would just give up on these girls. Being 6 is no excuse to treat someone like crap.

sockunicorn · 02/07/2018 22:12

@GandTthankyou and dont forget - Sprinkles the unicorn can only have 6 friends at a time as she has anxiety issues in social situations so they cant join in if they ask. Sprinkles wouldnt like it

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