Is DP controlling me?

[Salomay]

Me and DP have been together 20 years. I've had some uncomfortable feelings for the last couple of years. There's nobody in RL I can talk to as we are estranged from both families because of childhood abuse.

We're both severely disabled. I'm wary of giving complete details for fear of being outed . We've been so for around 10 years. We rarely leave the house, really only for any appointments. I can count the times we have gone out for pleasure on one hand for the last year. We both take a shitload of pills, DP sometimes takes extra painkillers due to severe pain. Both prescribed strong painkillers and various other medication.

Sex? Not had sex for 3 or 4 years. When we were it was very exciting, sensual and passionate. Sorry if TMI. DP always "looked after me". I'm really unsure why things abruptly stopped. DP the main instigator sexually.

Financially, we are both on benefits due to disability (please don't flame me for that). We've a joint account, both have cards, all moneys go into the joint account. It's financial issues that have made me most uncomfortable but posting this makes me realise there's other issues too. DP has my card, and completely controls money. DP buys stuff online and when in supermarkets it's essentially DP that chooses things, with reasons why I can't have "things". I've not been able to buy anything for years. I guess I've just grown into it.

Emotionally, I've always been there when they want to talk about their childhood or other things that are clearly upsetting. Yet I feel so alone with nobody to talk to. Due to my disability I have no friends, DP rarely goes out for pleasure but talks and laughs on skype or something with friends. When I query something or ask something I get shouted at. Any discussions are twisted by DP ensuring they are always right and minimising my input.

We haven't cuddled, kissed, hugged etc for a couple of years. We have children but they have flown the nest. We are both early 40s.

I'm sorry if I've forgotten anything. I'm happy to answer any questions so long as I don't get recognised.

He absolutely is. I’m so sorry. Other people will be along with advice but please don’t think this is normal, no matter the disability. You need to get out.

You should both have access to finances and you should be able to buy anything you want and can afford. It’s appalling that you can’t and not acceptable.

It doesn’t sound like a happy home for you at all. You’re effectively living as housemates but your partner controls your money. Have you asked why the physical side of the relationship has ended?

Have you considered ending the relationship? Would you be able to live on your own if you could access and pay for any care or support you might need?

I’m sorry things are so difficult. You deserve a partner in every sense of the word and it sounds like you do at the moment.

I'm scared to ask about the intimacy and lack of sex. DP always claims they are too tired, or in too much pain. Before disabilities hit we were like horny teens, often multipotimes per day. TMI sorry.

Yes, I've thought about leaving, but with zero money, my physical disabilities and that we live in a HA house, I have no idea how I could find a new home, and with nobody to help either I don't know what to do.

Could you speak to your GP or another health professional and explain your concerns and how bad things are at home with your lack of access to money? Could you call womensaid and ask their advice about changes you could make to give yourself more freedom from your partner’s control? I’m worried for you, it sounds very precarious and no wonder you’re feeling so trapped

Goodness! All that to deal with and you're only early 40s? Yes, that's a manipulative man and you can't let him get away with it any longer. You could have another 30-40 years of being housebound and under his control. Can you get out at all? For a start, go to the bank and open your own account.

Women's Aid and CAB may be able to help with the benefits and moving aspects

You have children, would you be happy for them to live with someone like your partner?

Unless you're a gambling addict or your disability compels you to recklessly spend then there's no excuse for his behaviour.

I'm sorry I don't mean to drip feed, but this is important. DP has a medical condition that essentially needs someone to monitor 24 hours a day.

I’m not sure DP is a man. Or that OP is a woman actually. But either way it doesn’t matter, the situation is toxic and OP sounds so lonely it’s awful. Not sure what would help. Could you open a new bank account and have your benefit transferred to that?

Yeah I do feel trapped. Also, some of my medication affects my behaviours, I can get high, get suicidal ideation, I've self harmed, get sleepy, get tired. As I take these medicines daily it's tough. I actually like taking them because they enable me to "forget" the home stuff for a few hours. I'm not a drug addict or abuser, I just take the prescribed dosage, they are just very strong pills.

Opening my own account wouldn't solve anything? DP has all benefits paid into the joint account, and DWP allow him to speak on my behalf. If I attempted to divert the money then I'm very scared what the reaction would be. DP has never hit me, or threatened to, but everything else yes. Almost crying here now

Trust your gut instinct. You know your baby best.

Sorry, wrong thread. I had to put phone down to do a job.

Still have some flower though.

So you know you need to leave- this doesn't mean tonight.

Start gathering paperwork, all financial abuse proof will be invaluable.

You aren't responsible for your partner's condition at the end of the day, they're certainly not appreciative so they'll have to work something else out, perhaps a carer

Yes he is, you do need to get out, not right away, but like others have said, start getting organised, and contact WA.

No experience but could you contact the DWP and tell them no one else can speak for you and you want the set up changed? That seems a good first step to taking back control of your finances which would give you options and freedom.