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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help to stop being such a selfish cow?

21 replies

PaulMaPantzoff · 30/06/2018 12:33

I’m in an online group with 80 or so other women, we all share a common interest but none of us have met.

I fell pregnant but miscarried at 10 weeks and this group have been nothing but supportive.

A few weeks after I miscarried one of the women announced her pregnancy. It devastated me, I was eaten up with jealously and envy that she was pregnant and I no longer was. I took a step back from the group - was still part of it but not as active.

Today the woman has announced she has miscarried. I feel that I should be able to be as supportive as everyone was to me, but I can’t be.

I feel so selfish because I’m relieved.

Relieved that I won’t have to look at scan pictures and hear updates about her pregnancy. Relieved that I don’t have to see pictures of a baby a few weeks after I should have been holding mine.

I am a horrible horrible person but no matter how I try to think of it, even though I’ve been in her position recently, I can’t feel any empathy for her, just this relief feeling for myself.

Why do I feel like this? I don’t want to. It’s not normal, it’s completely out of my character and I’m ashamed that these thoughts have come from me.

Please help.

OP posts:
PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 30/06/2018 12:35

I think you feel that way because you haven't recovered from your loss. It's not like you would choose for her to miscarry if you were in control of it but because you're still experiencing the fallout from your situation you have nothing left to give her at the moment. It's a bit like the saying "you have to fit your own gas mask before helping others".

LuluBellaBlue · 30/06/2018 12:37

I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you

A magic haiwan prayer / mantra Flowers

TheCheeseStandsAlone · 30/06/2018 12:38

I agree with pitterpatter, who has put it really nicely. And feelings are what they are, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Be kind to yourself OP.

longwayoff · 30/06/2018 12:45

O you poor thing. See your gp and ask for grief counselling. Maybe nct offer this. You need to talk about how u feel. Best wishes.

Lifeisabeach09 · 30/06/2018 12:47

I suggest counselling and removing yourself from the group.

Original poster
PaulMaPantzoff · 30/06/2018 16:29

Thank you. I’m on the list for counselling, the gp said it could take up to 12 weeks and I was referred 5 weeks ago

OP posts:
longwayoff · 30/06/2018 16:55

In the interim you could try the samaritans, just to offload some of your despair for now. They may have other sources to refer you on to. Rest. Speak to someone soon. Very best wishes to you.

nohopemate · 30/06/2018 16:58

How you feel is completely normal in your situation. Most people would feel the same but never tell anyone in RL.

Be kind to yourself.

CardsforKittens · 30/06/2018 17:09

I think it's normal too. When you're grieving you can't be expected to help someone you hardly know with their grief. Maybe some day in the future you will feel able to offer support to someone who is grieving a loss. But right now you still need support for yourself. Flowers

spudlet7 · 30/06/2018 22:56

You feel like this because you're human. You're not horrible, you're grieving. Think about it this way - would a horrible person feel bad about thinking horrible thoughts? Nope. They wouldn't give a flying fuck. You're fine. You're just a normal person who's very sad right now. Thanks

Norma27 · 30/06/2018 23:04

Be kind to yourself. I lost a baby at 16 weeks. I could cope with people who I knew were pregant before my loss. Ones after I found really difficult and may have felt like you. I went for one counselling session but actually found it made me feel worse. However, I think it is worth a try as would be helpful for others.
You are still grieving so be kind to yourself xx

Frogscotch7 · 30/06/2018 23:12

You’re being very hard on yourself. I’ve sadly had a number of miscarriages and had all those same thoughts in the past. One of the hardest things is forgiving yourself for thinking them and allowing yourself to avoid things that hurt (like other people’s pregnancies). You have only had silent thoughts, you haven’t actually done anything wrong.

One thing I found useful is to imagine a friend of yours is having your own experience and confided in you - imagine what you’d say to her.

It’s Ok to protect yourself. It does get easier. Maybe I’m time you’ll be able to contact the other lady and tell her you’re so sorry for her loss. And if not, at least she has the other people on the group to support her. You’re not a bad person, you’re grieving. It’s allowed.

hazell42 · 01/07/2018 00:07

I think that if you met this woman in real life you would have nothing but sympathy and kind words for her. The fact that this is am online group puts distance between you so that you are concentrating on your own feelings rather than hers. Don't worry too much about it. If you can't say anything kind, continue to say nothing

PossiblyPFB · 01/07/2018 00:17

I would consider contacting sayinggoodbye.org - someone trained and specialised in talking about miscarriage can perhaps help you with what you’re feeling?

Blessings !! Flowers

MentalUnload · 01/07/2018 06:20

Hugs you sound lovely, and what you’ve been through is significant. Good advice up the thread, best of luck xo

Monty27 · 01/07/2018 06:26

I think it's normal. Now they understand yes?
I am so sorry op. I have lost too.
It's not an easy ride. Don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you did. Your emotions are all over the place.
Some people just don't understand pain until they get it themselves.
Big hugs Flowers

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 01/07/2018 07:23

I’m ashamed to say I’ve had similar thoughts after my miscarriage. I realised in the end that I just wanted somebody to fully understand what we had been through. The words “I’ve had a miscarriage” are said so often but don’t say how completely and utterly devastated you are by it, all those hopes and dreams ripped to pieces and any future pregnancies aren’t the same because you are constantly gripped by fear it will happen again and again and again. I just wanted somebody else to understand all of those feelings too

TopDog123 · 01/07/2018 07:33

I've had 2 MCs. Never have I wanted someone else to experience it or been relieved that they did. I don't think it's that common to think that way.

Seek some counselling to process these thoughts.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/07/2018 07:41

I had 4 miscarriages. I felt glad that no one I cared about had to go through the same shit. When friends were pregnant I was relieved they didn’t have my fertility issues. The thing was that I didn’t want their baby, I wanted my own. It made me upset with my own body. My own body wasn’t doing what it should have been.

Pregnancy sicknesss was a totally different matter. I was relieved and thought ‘just deserts’ when friends who were dismissive of my morning sickness later got it just as bad themselves

vampirethriller · 01/07/2018 08:07

It's normal. I felt like I hated pregnant women/anything to do with babies after my last miscarriage. You're not selfish, you're in pain. Flowers

OneStepSideways · 01/07/2018 08:22

The group will understand 😘

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