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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my ex if he is seeing someone?

15 replies

ghosting · 30/06/2018 08:43

I’m prepared to be flamed for this!

Ex and I split 2 years ago. We have 2 kids, 10 and 7. The kids spend about half their time with their dad. It hasn’t been an easy split, but things are quite stable at the moment.

Recently, the kids have been mentioning Lucy, who goes round to dad’s house and has dinner with them every week. They both like her, she watches TV with them and they all have dinner together.

AIBU to ask ex if he is in a relationship with her?

Before anyone asks, no, I’m not jealous. I would be completely fine with it, it’s me who instigated the split with ex and if he was ogether with someone I’d be very happy for him.

My reason for wanting to know if they are in a relationship is because of the kids. Eldest has ASD and we have a lot of meltdowns, mainly at my house. Often I don’t know the trigger, sometimes the trigger can be a change of routine etc. So it would be helpful to know if they are together so I can help DC1 with any worries he might have around it.

I’ve always been the stability in the kids’ life, and I want that to remain the case. (Their Dad was working non stop until we split, so he wasn’t around a lot, therefore most of the emotional stuff they come to me about as that is what they are used to).

However, I totally get the other side of things where I am going to get called a control freak and that it’s not any of my business what my ex is up to.

But I’d quite like some opinions (and I’m bracing myself for the replies!)

OP posts:

NameChangingParanoid · 30/06/2018 08:46

Nothing to do with you, concentrate on the kids time with you & don’t concern yourself with what he’s up to.

DextroDependant · 30/06/2018 08:47

I think it's safe to assume they are in a relationship. How is your DC dealing with it so far?

Allthewaves · 30/06/2018 08:49

I'd leave it. I'd just be saying it's lovely dad has a friend that they like

Doyoumind · 30/06/2018 08:51

I think it's safe to assume he's having a relationship with her so why the need to ask? Why else would she be coming round? If you already know she's around a lot that should be sufficient for you to manage any concerns you have around DS.

Original poster

ghosting · 30/06/2018 08:54

How is your DC dealing with it so far?

DC2 really likes her. DC1 won’t talk about things that happen at the other parent’s house, so hard to say.

OP posts:

SoftBallSophie · 30/06/2018 08:57

I don't think it's your place to ask. It seems your ex is handling it well, and introducing her gradually.

LokiBear · 30/06/2018 08:59

I think you can ask. Id perhaps text, so that you can think carefully about what you say. I might say something like 'I know this is none of my business, but he kids have mentioned that they are looking forward to seeing Lucy again, they seem to really like her and im really glad. Dc1 has asked me a couple of questions about who she is and I dont know how to answer him which is why im bringing it up. I dont know if you want to have a chat with him? Is there anything you'd like me to do im support? I hope you dont take this the wrong way, you and I are getting on and co-parenting really well and the last thing I want to do is overstep the mark. Im happy that you and the kids are happy, I just dont want tp say the wrong thing to DC1 and confuse him.'

LokiBear · 30/06/2018 09:00

Read your update - change dc1 to dc2

Ethylred · 30/06/2018 09:03

If DC2 likes her and DC1 never talks about these things then there is nothing to fix because nothing is broken. So leave it alone.
And a PP's advice to invent things such as "DC1 has asked questions" is,
IMO, not a good idea.

Original poster

ghosting · 30/06/2018 09:41

I don’t want to drop the kids in it by telling him they have told me iyswim.

As others have said, I probably don’t need to know details. I already know she is seeing them frequently, and maybe that’s all I need to know.

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 30/06/2018 11:48

I'm in a new 'relationshk

Snowysky20009 · 30/06/2018 11:50

I'm in a new relationship- he comes for food, stays the night, I stay at his. We haven't said bf/gf but it doesn't take a genius to work out.

Original poster

ghosting · 30/06/2018 11:56

As far as I know she doesn’t stay over. Would it make a difference if she did? Would it make a difference how long they have been seeing each other before she meets the kids?

OP posts:

Original poster

ghosting · 30/06/2018 12:13

I mean she doesn’t stay over when the kids are there. Obviously she probably does when they aren’t!

OP posts:

magar22 · 21/12/2019 00:24

I have class with my ex boyfriend and me and him have started talk and he just messaged me on messager and I'm not sure if he's seeing someone else, how do i know if my ex is seeing some other girl?

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