How to lose fear

[Livingtothefull]

I am a fearful person. I grew up fearing what the future would bring and however bad things were ( and they got very bad) the future was bound to be worse.

When I was at school I was shy and feared not having any friends and being an outcast...and that came true. Oh the times when we were told to split into groups and (as I saw it) nobody wanted me. Or we would go on a school outing and I would spend my journey petrified that we would be expected to split into groups & I wouldn’t belong anywhere. Groups, teams.....the bane of my life at the time.

So I have grown up with a nugget of fear and dread residing where my heart should solely sit. I am so scared of what people think of me, it is second nature. Wishing or ordering the fear away won’t make it go.

To cut a very long story drastically short, I was sexually abused during those young years too. This all had a negative effect on me & I attempted suicide several times. What I can remember from that time is how angry my family were with me after those attempts: ‘but you have everything to make you happy, what is there for you to be unhappy about?’ I had a happy childhood; yet I perversely and wickedly contrived not to be happy.

I am not writing this in order to get pity; this is all anonymous so there is no ‘me’ before you to feel pity for. I just want to know if anyone has managed to locate the fear spigot and then turn it off; and if so, yow you did it. I still have much to tax my courage. My DS is severely disabled & I have to be his advocate in many ways. Although I have hitherto been a mild mannered person I find I have to speak up frequently and demand things for him, often stridently. People sometimes think I am rude and lack social graces. How do you cope when someone glares at you as if they can see right into your soul & don’t like what they see?

I also have a demanding job which makes me feel like a bumbling imposter - even though rationally I know I am capable, reason counts for nothing when trampled by fear. How to ensure the fragile bruisable ego doesn’t insist on coming with me to places it has no business being? How to turn into a ‘doer’ not a ‘fearer’ - is ther anyone who has successfully done that and if so how?

Dont overthink. When you think people can see clearly into your soul and judge you, 99.999% of the time they are probably thinking about themselves. I was like you, I was sexually harassed in college, but surrounding myself with good people and DH who's loving helps. At some point I was just sick of being afraid and threw myself into getting a new career, and never looked back. Fear is debilitating, and you won't be the only person feeling it. So just think fuck it, I will stop over thinking and just do what I want to do. Good luck, OP.

In a nutshell, the secret is to stop giving a shit what others think.

You are not God, you cannot control what others think or do. So don't waste another second of your life trying or even thinking about what others may be thinking.

It sounds like you would benefit from talking therapy to address the historic abuse you experienced. Personally I found therapy incredibly unhelpful, and got baptised instead but I appreciate we live in a post-Christianity world and most people are pretty closed to it.

Just blag it 😂. Fake the confidence, eventually it turns into real confidence. That's what I did after years of bullying. I know that's nothing compared to what you have been through.
Also what others said, try not to care what others think so much. The fact is they probably aren't judging you as much as you think they are.

Thank you all so much...some great advice here. I am open to anything that works, however it needs to really work and quickly, I am both time- and money-poor.

So I don’t want the kind of counselling that involves me talking endlessly about the hard time I have had and be listened to sympathetically, I need to really tackle the issues and find strategies for dealing with them.

How do I stop any overthinking? How do I stop my thoughts go down a destructive path & instead ensure they work for me?

Me again.....I am sitting up doing something I frequently do, putting off tomorrow by prolonging today.

I have to get up early tomorrow too....to get DS dressed, toilet him and dress him, hand him over to his carer then go to work. None of these are easy things to do. I have an appraisal tomorrow too...am scared at what I may hear, am not in a place where I can easily handle criticism as I don’t feel at all resilient.

It’s amazing how small things set me off. A colleague said to me ‘You must spend a fortune, you are always buying ready meals. Why don’t you prepare your own like we all do?’ I tried to explain why...because caring for DS takes so many waking hours that, on top of caring for him when at home and working full time and keeping the house reasonably clean, I don’t want to do anything else & would rather just pay for lunch. Does that sound reasonable? Part of me thinks I shouldn’t even be having to ask this question.

I don’t like feeling judged for buying lunch & can mention that I definitely wouldn’t judge others for having nights out, meals out etc in the evenings - things I would never get to do because I need to get home to care for DS. DH thinks I am being over sensitive in perceiving what they say as criticism. I just don’t like feeling like a square peg, as if my life & experience are so at variance with theirs that we could never hope to understand each other. That is very isolating.

What I would like is to be effectively ‘gathered up’ by my boss & team...to be told: ‘we know your life is challenging and we are with you, we value you. We accept you as you are & that the challenges in your life will make your priorities different from ours. We want to support you in being great at what you do.We are sure you will be a great team member, but what can we do to support you in achieving that?’

Is this too much to ask though? I have made many mistakes, there are many things I could do better.

I am up again and undertaking more emotional suffering. It is a bad habit.

I have had a review with my manager about how I am performing in his view. A discomforting experience...my manager has picked up on a lot of my shortcomings. I can’t help but agree with him on certain respects....I am a bad communicator and need to get to the point succinctly, I know I fail there. The good news is that I haven’t been sacked yet.

Hi OP, how are you doing this afternoon? You sound really run down by your previous posts. I'm not really one for being overly fearful so I can't really help with that, deep breathing? When you start to focus on negatives deep breath for a minute then go and physically do something? I don't know.

You say you don't want to try therapy - what about a self help group to try and gain some confidence? I know you're busy with your son, and I'm sure it's really hard work, but do you have any hobbies you like doing when you do get a bit of spare time?

Does your work know you are struggling? Do you enjoy your work?

I think if you dwell on negatives and always think the future will be worse it's kind of a self fulfilling prophesy because when things go wrong you can just say 'told you so' and act like it was inevitable when in reality it could have been your outlook that made the bad thing happen (or at least worse than it could have been. Obviously I don't mean the abuse and your son having a disability, that is obviously not your fault).

Would writing things down that have happened in the day, writing how you handled it and what you think (now you're removed from the situation) would be a better way to deal with it help? You could then try and apply that the next time anything came up. Regards the ready meals - I'm sure they haven't even given it a second thought. I know it's easier said than done but try and let things like that go/don't feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone.

Sorry for rambling I just felt the pain in your message and wanted to try and help.

Hope you've had a better day today

CBT would give you coping strategies for negative thoughts & anxiety. CBT for Dummies book is great, simple exercises, easy to read & understand etc. I think you should see your GP too, you seem very down.

At work,it helps to bullet or number salient points first, then try to keep to one short paragraph each max if possible. Edit out repetition etc. Is there anyone you could ask for pointers? Most people are flattered you think they're good at something. Or mirror the email style of someone whose concise etc?

People don't analyse you to the nth degree like you think BTW. They're more pre occupied with their own 'stuff',trust me. Don't be so hard on yourself & don't overthink interactions. That way madness lies. I'd google online self esteem & assertiveness tutorials too. Good luck.

Thank you so much. It really helps to be heard & will follow up on this, some great suggestions here.

I am not unduly depressed. I actually have a good life which however DH and I have worked extremely hard for. It is really hard to explain just how difficult things are though, I find it so stressful that I regularly feel nauseous.

How to salvage shards of self esteem? Talk up what you do every day. It is not nothing & I really need self esteem.

For example: DS woke up at 4am this morning so no sleep for me after this time. I had to toilet him, dress him and breakfast him then get myself ready for work before his carer arrives. Then head off to work myself and try not to be late. Then come home & care for DS alone.

Intellectually speaking I just don’t know how we manage all this; but we get on & deal with it because we have to.

It also occurs to me that I can’t ‘lose’ fear; much as I would love to it clings to me like a limpet and won’t go away So maybe I can find away to accommodate it instead; or to let it just be. To just accept it as an integral though uncomfortable part of me; to go into life fear-first .Let fear do its worst and bring the hurt on. I am strong (I think)and I can handle it (if I really have to)

But how I envy those who don’t feel fear like this. What is it like to not feel the fear striking at the very heart of who you are, to not have that profound sense of inferiority.

I just want to feel whole, to make a positive contribution.

I just don't know how I keep going, I am just a machine. A DS-dearly loving machine....but all the same I am terrified of tomorrow. In perpetuity, tomorrow is always a step too far. If it weren't for DS I wouldn't take it.