Help with ex and contact please!

[isthisusernameavailable]

Hi all. After a bit of advice. Ex and me split 2 years ago. DS is 1.5yo. I changed jobs 3 months ago and the agreement re contact ex and I have is that he has DS on a Saturday (whilst I'm working) the length of the contact depends on which shift I am on how early I start/late I finish etc and at first relied on my mum stepping in with childcare at time ex couldn't do (eg 7am start at work) which she was more than happy to do.

Ex has recently told me he wants ds for the whole time I'm at work, longer hours and I was fine with that and did warn him that I sometimes have early starts or late finishes but would be able to tell him which shift I was a week in advance. He agreed and all was fine.

Until this week, when I informed ex that my shift would include dropping ds off to him at 7:45am and picking him up at 4:30pm. He then went back on what he'd previously said and told me 'I can't do that' no other explanation suggestions or alternatives.

AIBU to think he can't just pick and choose and what would you do/should I do now? Contact is not court ordered we've done it all ourselves and up until now has been pretty good. Thanks in advance kind people!

No one??

Sorry, no advice. But I am sure someone with more knowledge/experience will be along soon. I do sympathise with you though, and hope you get it sorted out soon.

It may not be right but you can't force him to take the child

I know I can't for e him to see ds Just feels so unfair. Why did he suggest it and say he wants it if he's gonna take it back and bail

To be honest I would have done the length of the contact separate from your shifts but made sure they were covered. Is there a reason he can't have Friday night and until Saturday evening for example?

@ArnoldBee this arrangement was his suggestion. He has only ever had ds a maximum of 4 hours up until now so whilst he has shown interest in having him overnight starting instantly I have suggested maybe he takes a little while to build up to it. Ex works 6 days a week so Saturday is the only day he has off

Imo /e your ex won't do anything for your ds that will make your life easier.
Only his own.

You can't change contact weekly based upon your shift. Either let him have him for the whole day (and probably overnight on the Friday if you have shifts that require starting before 8) or find alternative childcare that will allow him to pick up and drop off at the same time each week.

I probably would start ex having ds on Friday night until Saturday night each week. Keep a bit of a routine instead of being ad hoc

He’s your ex for a reason.
He sounds flakey.
Don’t depend on him.

Four hours a week doesn't sound much. He's being more like an uncle than a dad. It's not just about what suits him. It's about his responsibilities. Is he prepared to give up every Friday night do you think? At the moment you are looking after this child and his dad has a little play time with him each week.

@Doyoumind and others commenting about Friday nights I am happy for this to happen soon, but the most he's ever had him was approx 5 hours and he kept going on about how much he struggled. So even tho he also mentioned having ds overnight Fridays, he can't even cope with 4 hours

So I’m baffled you trusted him when planning your job

The reason he struggles is because he's never had to. He's a dad who has never had to have any responsibility or done any child care for more than a few hours. At what point will he be ready to be a proper dad? When DS is of school age and is easier to look after? He sounds like a dick.

I'm not saying you should be thrusting your DS on to him as you want to be confident he can look after him.

You either continue to work around him knowing your son will be better looked after or force him to take responsibility. He'll soon learn how to manage DS.

I speak from experience as this is very similar to what happened with my ex. He had no genuine interest until the baby and toddler stage had passed.

It sounds like he has no intention of being awake by 7:45 so would that really work with overnights? If her DS regularly wakes at 7am for instance is he going to be left sitting in his nappy until 9 or 10? Don't allow overnights until this man is mature enough to communicate that he understands what his child needs.

So I’m baffled you trusted him when planning your job

It sounds like her Mum does Saturday childcare, but her ex wanted to see their child.

@Caribbeanyesplease because he suggested it and wanted to be responsible for saturdays when I got my new job it was his idea. And also at the beginning if it was a long shift then my my would do half.

@BrendasUmbrella that's exactly my point yes. It's all very well saying he wants to do more etc that's fine, but how can he say he wants overnights when he won't even do a 7:45am start and can't cope with more than 4/5 hours.

Any more insight/advice on how I should move forward with arrangements/how to deal with ex?

If your Mum is okay with it I'd stick with what you've been doing. You agreed to what he asked for and he didn't want it. It's down to him to decide what he wants to do, but it needs to be reasonable for your ds and you as well as him.

Manage your expectations. You know what he's like so don't waste energy stressing when he does exactly what you expected of him anyway.

Personally, if your mum can still help out, I would stick to set hours on a Saturday. If he wants to do it differently you need 100% commitment from him and you need to make that clear.

If you aren't comfortable with overnights say he has to start building up to longer days before moving on to nights. All of this needs to be about what's best for DS. Has he even had experience of putting DS down for a nap since he was tiny? If not, I would expect him to get used to that first before I moved on to nights.

I would stop linking contact to your working hours.

Agree a regular time for contact and stick to it. If it coincides with your shift that's a bonus.

Also agree with your ex that those contact hours are set unless varied by agreement and, if he can't care for your DS during those times and you're working, it is his responsibility to find childcare.

Then stick to it.

Contact hours not linked to my work would usually be ok it used to be set times on a Saturday before I started working but Saturday is the only day he is free as he supposedly works 6 days a week. Set times on a Saturday might have to be re-Instated. It's just finding a time that suits everyone, me, ds, him and my mum I suppose!!!!

Find Saturdays times that you and your mum can manage and don't disrupt your DD's routine too much and offer them. Hopefully you will then be able to come to a sensible agreement based on those times.

Make sure he knows that, if he can't look after her at the times and on the days he has agreed to, he will need to make arrangements for someone else to look after her. This could be your mum but, if she isn't free, he has to find someone else.