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AIBU?

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Original poster

Effect on my 4 year old daughter

18 replies

ChrisNE · 29/06/2018 20:21

Good evening,

I have a 4 year old daughter who I see every Saturday or Sunday. I arrive at her mother's flat and spend the day with my daughter and her mother. It's a situation that has worked quite well over the last 4 years as I see my daughter and I believe that I have a good relationship with her.

One thing that has started to niggle at me is when I leave to go home on a Saturday or Sunday evening. I try to stay for as long as I can however my daughter lives in Paddington and I live in Kingston (I don't drive so am reliant on public transport to get there and back). When I am preparing to leave my daughter has started to ask me 'Why are you leaving?' and seems to get a bit uncomfortable when my time to leave approaches. I don't want my daughter left with any idea that I am abandoning her so I wondered if anyone could suggest how I should respond to this type of question.

By the way, I live with and look after my 88 year old mother. This situation makes bringing my daughter over for extended periods a bit difficult however I also worry that my daughter isn't spending enough quality time with me.

Your thoughts on this will be much appreciated.

Chris

OP posts:
Janeinthemiddle · 29/06/2018 20:24

Not sure if it's a good advice but I will just be honest with her and tell her that "I'm going home where I live and I'll be back to see you tomorrow/next week. " then redirect her attention to something positive like I can't wait to see you again or i can't wait to play this or that with you followed by I'll be thinking of you etc.

Lucked · 29/06/2018 20:25

I think at some point your daughters mother is going to deny you use of her flat for visitation. I advise you make a space for your daughter in your home.

Karigan198 · 29/06/2018 20:25

My son was 4 when we divorced. What we did was had an agreed script of ‘sometimes mummies and daddies can’t live together anymore but we both love you very much and will always be there for you when you need us. Then do a little spiel about how two houses is cool because you get two birthdays and two Christmases :)

Elelfrance · 29/06/2018 20:26

At 4 you should be able to explain that you're going home because granny needs you to make her tea (or whatever) and that you'll be back next week... A simple calendar would help her understand when you'll be there

checkingforballoons · 29/06/2018 20:29

Do you have much contact with her during the week? Phone calls, FaceTime? That could help maybe.

RainySeptember · 29/06/2018 20:32

My dc never got upset when their dad left, except if he looked like he wanted to leave.

So if he said he'd leave at 4 but left at 3:45, or was clock watching, or was talking excitedly about something he was doing later, they'd get upset.

In the end, if he needed to leave at 4 he'd say he had to go at 3:30, then 'stay later' until 4pm.

But I also think you need to plan for a time when you may have to see her at your own place. In fact, wouldn't you like to have her overnight sometimes, or spend time with her in your own home, without her mother present?

Seeing where you live might also stop the 'where are you going?' questions, by removing the mystery.

I don't fully understand what your mum has got to do with it. I assume she copes without you when you go to work, or to visit your dd, or to buy groceries?

LilMadAgain · 29/06/2018 20:35

How is the quality of your time with your daughter op? Is it possible to discuss more contact with your ex? Maybe Wednesdays after school to break the week up for you both?

NerrSnerr · 29/06/2018 20:41

Why can't you bring her over with your mum for extended periods? Is she unwell? She's going to start realising soon that some other children of separated parents spend whole weekends/ holidays etc with their dads and she may question that. Could you take her out for the day instead? Do you have her for holidays etc?

kaytee87 · 29/06/2018 20:42

Do you ever spend time with her by yourself? Take her out anywhere? Do you phone her through the week?

If she's just asking why you're going then answer truthfully 'I've got to go home now to give granny dinner and get ready for work tomorrow'

ClownStar · 29/06/2018 20:44

What's wrong with the truth? "I'm leaving because I live in a different house, and I need to go and sleep in my house now. But I will see you again on Saturday." And then counting through - today's Sunday, tomorrow's Monday, Tuesday etc.

Karigan198 · 29/06/2018 20:46

there’s a great book called how to help your child through divorce. It offers lots of advice on all aspects of separating and screwing your kid up as little as possible

speakout · 29/06/2018 20:52

You need to carve out a space in your home - or create a new home for you and your daughter.
Otherwise she will see you as a fleeting visitor. She needs to come and stay with you and have her space in a home with you.

This should be your number one family priority,

Di11y · 29/06/2018 20:59

It might help if you verbalise some of your daughters feelings - I know I feel disappointed and a bit sad when it’s time to leave, that’s understandable. I’m really excited to see you again on Saturday!

sirmione16 · 29/06/2018 21:00

At 4 years old it's unlikely she actually wants to know a reason why you're leaving - more just sad that you are, and is articulating that. My reaction would to be to keep it positive and light toned, say you two had so much fun doing x or playing x and that you have to go to your home now and will see her next week which will come very soon and love her very much. I know it's so hard, but if you're light and cheery, it makes it easier on her. If you go all down and sad and "aw dd I don't want to leave either...!" Then emotionally you're only making her more sad and involved and focused in the leaving part than in the fact she spent time with you and had fun. You sound educated, involved and smart - definitely try and make space at your place for her to feel closer to your life not just that you're dropping into hers now and then

Fuckedoffat48b · 29/06/2018 21:07

I'm going to offer a dissenting opinion here. Some of the best co-parenting arrangements I have seen involve both parents parenting in the family home, even when one of them lives somewhere else. I think it is the least disruptive option. Just tell her you are going home to bed, and will see her tomorrow/next week. She will soon learn you aren't abandoning her, quite the opposite in fact as you always come back.

speakout · 29/06/2018 21:13

Fuckedoffat48b I have heard of this arrangement- but doesn't that involve both parents living some of the time in the family home and both having different homes to go to- which isn;t the case here- this is clearly the mother's home.

I actually find the idea of a "family" home where each parent has their real dwelling elsewhere a little sad and hollow.

Fuckedoffat48b · 29/06/2018 22:20

speakout, no generally the kids and mum stay in the same home they were always in, Dad moves out but still comes and does family stuff/visiting children at that house despite living separately, though often nearby.

Original poster
ChrisNE · 30/06/2018 20:34

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’m reading through them now and will try to figure out the best way forward. Many thanks

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