Support for step parents - it’s so bloody hard

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

Being a step parent is so bloody hard! Does anyone know of any support networks that help? I love my DH2B and want to be with him forever. I’ve tried sooooo hard with his kids but it’s such a struggle. I’m not the OW. The kids are teens and we’ve been together coming up four years. I don’t have my own so it’s not like I’m battling that way.

Weddingplanningandlovingit

I am sure your soon to be step kids are as excited as you are about the big event. Sounds as if you have thought everything through to the finest detail.
Your priorities sound faultless.

Weddingplanningandlovingit

tProbably with children who have a step mum in their life who you’re clearly jealous of.

What a very strange thing to say. And I suspect this is is slip because it actually outlines your own situation.
OH and I have not had kids with anyone else.

You speak volumes with that jump.

They are teens with a great dad and a mum! They are not Babies and have opinions of their own. They do not need to be wrapped in cotton wool. They are encouraged to think for themselves. I am the very furthest from bridezilla, simply enjoying the planning! You my dear speakout are a rude and unpleasant troll!!

I don’t have my own children so you’re wrong AGAIN!

I don’t have my own children so you’re wrong AGAIN!

I didn't suggest you have children- I know you don't.

I am suggesting you have some issues regarding the mother of your fiance's children.
You jumped on this theme- not me.

I would second The British Second Wives Club for support. Also, don’t listen to anyone who isn’t or hasn’t ever been in your situation. It’s a thankless task & people find it difficult to empathise. Read ‘Stepmonster’

Fast forward to the wedding. My parents have zero interest in my step kids to be and when we speak literally all they talk about is my brothers children. That's fine, they are their grand children but sometimes it gets boring. I try to get some interest about their visit to us and what could be a lovely family event

This was from your other thread about the wedding.

So it's a lovely family event yet the children don't speak to you and you avoid them on 50/50 contact

Yikes op, this does sound very hard. I’m sure it’s hard for the teenagers too.

I don’t really have any advice to offer, but stepparents to any children, especially teenagers, who don’t want to / don’t feel able to, get to know the stepparent, really have my sympathies. That’s a very tough gig.

I have 2 adult DCs and 4DSCs who were between 13 and 3 when I met their DF. We enjoyed a long distance relationship for 4 years, and then moved in together for a year before marrying then buying a joint house. We have been together 12 years now. I was not the OW.

My relationship with the eldest three DSCs is poor and has deteriorated since they became older teens. With the youngest it is better but he is more like his DF personality wise and he is the only one who likes plans and structures. Which is what I provide. The others are more free spirits.

Looking back I would not have tried so hard - nothing I did was appreciated and was often flung back at me. However, I’m not sure I could have done anything to please them. They would become more friendly to me when they stayed with us for holidays. But after holidays with their DM they were often hostile and provocative towards me so I think she made it clear she didn’t want them to be friendly with me and they understandably didn’t want to be disloyal to her.

I’ve just accepted that I will never be loved or even cared about by the eldest three. I love their DF very much, have made a comfortable home with him where all our respective DCs are welcome. The youngest two are still at school and have their own rooms. They stay with us at least 10 days a month - sometimes more. We can and have accommodated all of them at various times like Xmas and holidays.

I leave all discipline to their DF and just do my own stuff. I try to give them space to spend time with their DF without me around. They rarely take this up, just empty the fridge and ask him for lifts and money.

It’s sad, but I’ve had to accept this is my life as a step mum. I don’t want to leave my husband and eventually they may be more respectful towards me in the future. But I’m not optimistic.

Weddingplanningandlovingit

"Does anyone know of any support networks that help?"

Sadly you came to the wrong place.

On MN all step-mums are bitches who should have thought of every possible scenario of how things might play out in the future before having a relationship with someone with kids. You'll need a crystal ball for that.

Also you are to have NO needs or wants of your own and should accommodate anything your step-kids want.

Jesus some people are being absolutely AWFUL to the OP.

But also, they are your partner’s children. They will always be your partner’s children. You need to start putting some effort in and, I’m afraid, grinning and bearing it - especially as they are teenagers.

All you can hope is that when they are older they have some more respect for you. Sadly they’re likely to take it all out on you, you’re an easy target. I agree teenagers are aresholes a lot of the time! I was to my parents partner. I guess I didn’t want to share, now I am an adult I am glad they make my parent happy. And that’s all you can hope for.

@bluemascara this 100%

Run away! 😁

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting married and are still excited about it, because for me, being a ‘stepmum’ has made me question if I would get married. It’s a hard, hard thing and I also wish there were better support networks!

I completely agree with Machinebee - I realised that I could do everything perfectly, and it still wouldn’t result in a different relationship with ex wife or the children. I found that a liberating moment! So I am always very nice, but if I choose to do my own thing sometimes, I don’t feel bad about it. Hang on in there.

Everything Leigha said.

I once posted a few years ago about issues we were having with my stepdaughter and got absolutely torn to shreds.

Definitely post on the step parents board in future OP.

Sorry I don't have any advice, we haven't got to the teen years yet.

I've read your earlier threads. I get the impression that you're very unhappy with your SD right now. IIRC you've even spoken of removing her from your wedding party.

If you treat her badly, and focus on what she's doing at her mom's house (which is frankly none of your business and something you can't control) OF COURSE she will want nothing to do with you!

You're not married yet. Your partner's job is to look after his children. Your happiness has to come after that. TBH, I kind of get the impression you came at this the wrong way. I get the impression that you tried to make his kids like you, and when they didn't do what you wanted, you got upset.

These relationships have to grow organically. You don't know what SD is whispering about to your OH. I know that my DSD tells her dad things she doesn't tell me. She likes to go on drives with him, sometimes just the two of them. My response is to not worry about it. What they discuss isn't my business.

SD doesn't have to like you. If she's answering when spoken to she's generally being respectful. If she leaves when you enter a room, don't push it. You need to give her some space. Eventually, when she's ready, she will come to you.

I get the impression that you're not overly thrilled with having to share your OH with his kids. Guess what? He had those kids before you got together. Until you marry, they are going to be his top priority. If you're not ready to accept that, you may need to find a new partner.

For the record: I am a proud stepmum to a lovely 13-year-old girl. Hubby and I met when she was 5 and married 18 months later. She and I have always had a great relationship. I don't push or smother but just try to be there for her, which I know she appreciates. Sadly she and her mum don't get on the greatest (more down to her mum I think than her, knowing how her mum is and how DSD is with us). She proudly tells people that she has two mums. I am very fortunate to be her mum and I don't take it for granted that we get on well.

Problem is there is no real fix to your DF's kids not liking/ perhaps hating you.

They may change their minds in the future, but it can be a loooong few years until then and it may never happen at all.

Their father has to prioritise them as they are his children- how would you feel if they wanted to live with you full time?

I'm not sure what solution you're hoping for really- you can't make someone like you and rightly or wrongly they are unwilling to try so you really can't win no matter how nice you are. This isn't a reflection on you as a person btw.

You can detach yourself, make sure you're out a lot on their days which gives them time with their dad, but that's about it really.

Their dad and definitely not you! needs to stop them whispering behind your back, but the fact your DD is leaving the room is a way to avoid conflict so I'd grin and bear it.

Has their dad tried talking to them to find out why they don't like you? There might be things you can work in that case.

I agree with the “easy target” comment^^. I remember a friend at school whose dad had remarried and she and her sister (14 & 15) were absolutely foul to her. Even at 15 I thought they were being unkind. They hated this woman with a vengeance and she really hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d just been unfortunate enough to have met her husband when he already had pre-teens, (no longer married - long since divorced). Though tbf, I think a lot of it may have just been when the friend said to me rather than what she did to the stepmother. Maybe to her face she was alright? Hope so. Poor woman sounded like she was really trying and just having the piss taken out of her. They were just using her as their punching bag because they were still so emotionally injured by the break down of their parents’ marriage and family breaking up.

I would never, ever be a stepmother. 9 times out of 10 on here it sounds utterly, utterly thankless. All the worst parts of parenting, without the nice parts, like near enough guaranteed love! And yes, then quite often the SM posting on here will gets taken to pieces too! So not much support. All in all, it sounds bloody awful and you couldn’t pay me to do it. My sympathy and respect to anyone who commits to it. Obviously some people manage to form a fab relationship with sdcs and that’s so lovely when it happens. It wouldn’t be worth the gamble for me, but then I have my own dcs to think about too. No blended family for me! Just too risky.

neither of us want to put our relationship on hold!

It's his job to sit them down and thrash out any concerns and to make a decision, if he's not able to do this I'd be worried about his commitment to the relationship.

Ex-step Mum here - thank God! I failed miserably at being a step-Mum but I did read “Step Monster”, a book that was recommended to me from a post on here I think. It did help.

I’m going to answer sensibly- your DH weds to not engage with the whispering, it’s not helpful and it’s undermining to you.
Tbh teens are pretty awful a lot of the time and that’s me talking about my own, you at just have to ride it out.

Thanks everyone for the help and suggestions, I’ll get a copy of the book and take a look at the second wives forum. Have a lovely Saturday!

Good luck with it all op . Hope your wedding is lovely too.

Dont listen to the crap u are getting here! U need to be a step parent to even understand.
I'm a step parent luckily things have gone relatively smoothly although not always.
I would say talk to your partner without demonizing his children and tell him how hard it is for you. Point out the whispering and stuff and tell him that you are trying. His children dont need to be lovely dovey with u but they do have to be polite and at least cordial. He needs to show them that you are important to him too. He needs to tell them that you are staying and they can't treat people they way they are you! Point out its not fair that you are having to keep yourself scarce when they are with him.
It's of course going to be hard for them as it is you but it seems you are the only one tryingand yoyr husband to be is just sticking his head in the sand by not pulling them up on their rude behaviour.
Good luck to you