My tether has come to an end

[TiredohsoTired]

Posting here for traffic as I'm at my wits' end. Name changed as very outing.

Please help me oh wise ones.

Back story: ExP was abusive. Escaped him 5 1/2 years ago with the help of the Woman's Refuge. We have DTDs (9). He has been in trouble with the police and SS for hurting DTD1. Still tries to control me even after all these years apart. DTDs say he's been pushing them around again.

Now, DTD1 has mild autism. She is being bullied at school and the school isn't doing anything about it. She comes home and bullies me and her DSis. Her behaviour is terrible. The fighting, arguing, whingeing, whining - she lies so much, she hurts her DSis, she occasionally punches me. Every sodding thing has to be about her and has to be a drama. If there is nothing to argue about she'll find something, or just smack her DSis, just to start something.

It's constant, almost non-stop, 24/7. It's soul destroying. She can be such a little sweetheart, but these moments are becoming very few and far between.

When things get to a certain point, I've always sent her to stay with her 'D'F for a few days, just so me and DTD2 can have a break. It's gotten to the point now though where I've had enough. I love that child with all my heart but I can't do it any more. So I've told her she needs to live with her DF permanently. But I'm scared he'll hurt her again. And I really don't want to send her away - I bloody love her. I don't want her to feel I'm abandoning her.

But... I have DTD2 to think about also. She's constantly being attacked and shouted at. All the attention HAS to be on DTD1 all the time.

So what do I do? Send DTD1 to live with her DF and risk her getting hurt, or keep her here and know that DTD2 is going to keep getting hurt?

I'm totally exhausted to the very bottom of my being, my heart and my soul. I dread getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe I just needed to vent, maybe I need a shoulder to cry on. But if anyone has any advice or suggestions, I would be eternally grateful.

Oh Tired, I'm so sorry. Sounds like a no win situation. Could you try setting her clear parameters of what needs to change about her behaviour?

Gosh that is a hard one OP, I have no suggestions but didn't want to read and run

Does she have RL support to cope with the bullying and what her dad did?

Do you and DTD2 have support for what you’ve both been/are going through?

It sounds like an immensely stressful situation for you all OP

Do you have any contact with social services? Could they help you find some respite care?

How is she at the week end? Could it be that there is too much pressure/stimulation at school? Is there a possibility to change school?

Ask your GP for help and say you are interested in NVR training to help manage her. And keep posting

oxleas.nhs.uk/advice-and-guidance/children-and-young-peoples-services/nvr/parent-booklets/

Try it as a temp thing and see if it works.

I wondered if respite was an option too.

I would not send a child to live with a possibly abusive parent. Whatever she is doing to your DTD2 will not be worse than what he could do to her.

You need to work through this as a family. Sorry to be tough, OP, but if there wasn't the option of sending her to your ex, what would you do? You need to get her help, not force her on an inadequate (at best) adult. How would she feel about living with him?

This is obviously a very stressful time for you OP, so much love and prayers Keep going!

I think you need to get hard with the school. They are not following safeguarding procedures with dtd1. Are they supporting her with her autism?

My dd is a similar age. She is being bullied and I know what you mean about her taking it out on us at home. I had to insist on an action plan at school and so far this week things have improved slightly.

I don't think you can send her to her dad's . for you

I had to state I had read the anyibullying policy and I knew where we stood and I'd had enough of it being minimised.
Soon had a v swift meeting and dd1 and I were taken seriously.

Are you sure it's not a sign that he's been abusing them more than you know? I think it would be better to get some respite care from social services, if possible, than to send her to stay with her abusing father.

She has a CAF at school and DTD2 is in the process of being signed up to Young Carers. I've done a number of courses through Lighthouse, one with DTD1, but nothing changed. GP referred her to the under 18 mental health team (she keeps threatening to kill herself), but they refused her.

The Family Support Practitioner has referred me for counselling re what he did to me, but I was basically told that as I'm not in the abusive relationship any more, they can't help me. I can't afford private counselling as I'm also facing homelessness on top of everything else (ex left me penniless).

I'll look into respite for her, but not too optimistic about anyone helping, tbh .

Perhaps try some of the relevant charities. They may be able to give you some support now and when you’re on your feet again you can do some fundraising or volunteering for them in return.

What does DTD stand for?

Dear twin daughters.
Unfortunately imo sending her to live with df will make being violent /abused normal to her. .
Her future relationships( of all sorts) will be impossible.
Please don't do it.

Ahh, thanks April.

I also don't think I could send any child to live with a possibly abusive parent. Is there the possibility of changing schools (even if it isn't the same school as her twin?). Perhaps a school with a good record for SN? You do need support although respite care is unlikely unless you live in an area with unusually high levels of resources for that? What kind of professional involvement do you have for DT1?

DTD1 does a nuture group at school, she falls under SEN and has seen an autism 'specialist'. The main problem with trying to get her help is that her DF refuses to believe the ASD diagnosis. According to him she's just a naughty child .

Situation sounds hard but you are suggesting knowingly sending a child to live with an adult whom you know to be abusive. Please absolutely don't do it.

She maybe also violent but this is totally different - she is a child and autistic to boot.

Honestly I think you'd be better off putting her into care than sending her to him (not suggesting you do this but it beats your suggestion). Also, could the violence from her father be teaching her that this behaviour is acceptable? I think I'd be stopping all contact given the past abuse and the fact that they say he has been pushing them around again.