Abusive relationships

[Weedinosaurus]

Help me out here people of Mumsnet. I often read realtionship threads on here and when people are saying LTB or say that the OP is in an abusive relationship, I sometimes think it's really not that bad. One has got me thinking...
AIBU to think that all couples shout at each other when they argue and curse in temper and even sometimes name-call? My husband and I do. We're quite hot headed people but we both are just letting off steam and then we get over it. Neither of us is hurt or afraid of the other but we do have some blazing rows. I'm actually starting to think maybe we aren't normal???
We're both generally happy in our relationship and love each other but we argue a lot...

As I understand it, the abuse side would be a concern if one felt oppressed by the other and one was always in control and having an impact of their general well-being...

Abuse is when one partner tip toes around the other, afraid of the consequences of upsetting them.

Abuse isn't arguing or swearing and shouting per se.

It's about one person controlling the other or making them feel frightened or constrained.

Nope. My DH and I have been together for 13 years. We of COURSE disagree about things. We’ve probably had 3 actual arguments in that time with raised voices.

We NEVER name call, shout and swear at each other. I’m extremely hot headed but I grew up in a house where my mum and stepdad argued all the time and it was awful. I swore I’d keep my temper in check and I do.

If I get angry I say I need to think and go off to compose myself so I can articulate myself. We often agree to disagree but can usually compromise.

I’d not put up with name calling and shouting.

On a day to day basis though I swear like a dunk sailor...

All of the above goes out of the window when we’re playing Mariokart...

My partner and I bicker all the time. My pet names for him are "nob jockey", "arsehole", and he's called a fucking wanker an awful lot
He calls me "teletubby" and "wench".

I came from a shouty background and have had several relationships where we got on fine but there was shouting when we bickered and argued.

I've had one abusive relationship and that was very different. I didn't realise it was an abusive relationship for a long time. He was verbally abusive but it was different from anything I had experienced before. The things he said were terrible and there was such menace and threat in his face when he said them. He wouldn't let me have an opinion. He cut me off from my friends. He was also emotionally manipulative and financially abusive. A real joy!

The difference is between "losing" your temper and "using" your temper. If one person is using the threat of their anger to get their own way in everything, that's where the problem lies.

My experience is the opposite to yours OP. I've never had a partner calling me names and wouldn't stand for it. I've only had about three big rows with partners/XH and that includes my 17 year marriage and ten sessions with relate. I wouldn't like my kids to grow up thinking it's fine to name call or shout at people, it's massively disrespectful and childish. My adult brother called me a cunt once when he was pissed and I cut contact until he apologised. Whether it's abuse depends on the situation I suppose, if you are both happy with the situation then it's not abuse. I wouldn't be and so would consider it abusive.

We’ve been together 20 years and I’ve never been called names by my husband. He has maybe shouted once in all that time. I don’t shout at him. My kids don’t see us angry with each other as that is so rare. I couldn’t stand to be in a shouty relationship. However I was in an abusive relationship and for me abuse is when their is disparity in power and one person has to tiptoe and not be themselves around another.

Sorry. Typos.

I've been with my husband for almost 20 years and we would never dream of swearing at each other or calling each other names. If he were to suddenly do either of those things now, I'm not sure I could continue the relationship. BUT, we are both quite quietly-spoken people by nature and hate conflict.

My Dad had a very quick temper and I grew up terrified of his expletive-riddled rants. But once he had got it out of his system, he was absolutely fine. Whilst the rest of us cowered in a corner traumatised!

If you've always spoken to each other like that, and you feel that there is mutual love and respect, then that's just your version of normal and not abuse at all.

Horses for courses, no?

I think it is horses for courses. It's just our personalities and despite the arguments, we work well together. Kids don't hear us call each other names. There's no feeling that one of us has the power and the other has to tip-toe around. Thanks for the feedback ladies.