So, this might be a long one...
I'm 37 and a half weeks pregnant. It's been a generally fine but a bit up and down pregnancy - they were briefly mildly worried about the baby's heart, but the irregular beat resolved itself; they were then worried about slow growth, but again this has now resolved itself (as confirmed by a scan on Monday just gone). So now it could just be a 'normal' pregnancy - except that I've had a few episodes of reduced fetal movement, and am still going through stages of being very worried about them. So they still have me on CTG scans twice a week, and the consultant recommended that I'm induced at 40 weeks if I still think the movements are a concern at that point, so basically left it up to me.
The thing is, I can't work out if this is now all in my head. The couple of times I initially went into hospital with reduced movements I hadn't felt baby at all all day, but since then my fear is always that they've slowed down and reduced, but not disappeared - which is much more subjective. I've tried counting them but even that doesn't help that much because I can't always tell if I'm feeling very faint movements or not. Every time they hook me up to the CTG the baby is absolutely fine and moves normally - but I can only ever feel about half the movements the machine can measure. The baby has never had a very regular pattern, which I know is almost certainly because I have an anterior placenta, not because something is wrong.
Highly relevant here: I have a history of anxiety and depression. I had a really bad episode a few years ago that was very centred on work; I also had another low patch last year after having three (very early) miscarriages before conceiving this baby. It has always centred very highly on not being able to trust myself - when I had the work-related episode (which lasted about eight months and required medication in the end) I used to check the same piece of information over and over again but never trust I'd got it right; I'd literally get up in the night to check again. So this 'am I feeling reduced movements or not?' feels very much in this pattern; I feel like I lose a sense of what I do and don't know.
At the same time as this constant anxiety over movements, I'm also becoming really anxious over the idea that what I'm doing now is time-wasting, attention-seeking and selfish - that I'm taking resources from women who actually need them. I lie awake at night berating myself for this, and I feel so embarrassed when I go in for my CTGs - every single midwife has always been lovely to me, but I know they must be internally rolling their eyes that here I am, anxious about nothing again. Again, I recognise this as part of old anxiety patterns: it has always started as a complete loss of faith in my own abilities, but then it slips into a belief that I'm not just a stupid person but a bad one.
So, obviously, it's clear that this is at least part a mental health thing. But what do I do? I've had counselling in the past and found it helpful, but realistically I'm not going to get an appointment, let alone make meaningful progress, in 2.5 weeks. The previous coping strategy I was taught was 'And if I am right that I've got it all wrong, what are the consequences of that?' - which worked well for work, but less so for this, where both the outcomes are actually severe; I'm terrified that I'm basically (inadvertently) faking my way to unnecessary medical intervention and potentially a much worse birth, and stealing time and resources on the way, but obviously the other, all-pervading fear is that I'll say that the movements are fine, they stop monitoring and the baby dies.
Sorry for the very long post; it helps a bit to write it down, but I still just don't know what to do from here. I deliberately posted in AIBU knowing that I might get some harsh/brusque responses, and that that might be what I need - maybe I just need someone to talk some sense into me.
By the way, have namechanged as details so specific and so outing - there might be people who recognise me from other threads, which is fine but please don't out me!