AIBU not to give them money

[NeedANewNameBriefly]

Long story short, my parents are terrible with the little money they have and have always been this way. I provide financial support on a monthly basis, but there are often requests for funds for random purposes - and usually I would always give something whenever they need it.

If relevant, the kind of money I'm talking about is not what would personally break the bank for me, but would detract from plans I have to save for things and do things with my own family (DH and soon to be two children). For example, we have decided not to take a holiday abroad this year at all (and are cutting back in other ways), because we are saving up so we can afford to move home in the new year. And I will also be on mat leave for a year, 6 months of which will be unpaid. So giving away hundreds of pounds at this time would really not be ideal.

They are now asking for money to travel internationally to attend the burial of a family friend they were close to (and they knew didn't have long to live - so not unexpected) and whom had done a lot for them whilst they were alive.

However, this comes off the back of them recently returning from a three week international trip to attend the 70th birthday party of another family member - tickets purchased on impulse just days before the party - no real reason for staying three weeks other than they wanted to - the party was only one day) And by long before that, having been abroad for three months and having requested financial support (which I provided) to spend that time abroad.

Again, whilst I could probably afford it, I'm getting sick of all the requests for money, especially when I see how bad they are generally with money, spending large amounts of money on things they don't need, despite the fact that money is tight and they have a lot of debts.

At the same time, I'm torn, because the immediate family of the person that has died would really want to have them there and roles reversed, they would be at my parents side in a heartbeat (but are in a much, much better financial situation than is all in any case). I'm not personally close with the family, but they are kind and have always been good to my family over the years and I don't want to feel as though I'm doing this to spite them, if that makes sense.

I don't know if any of the above makes sense, but basically I just can't decide whether to give them this money or not, knowing that them not being there would hurt another family (in a way) or that they will find a way to go anyway and will just add to their already huge mountain of debt in order to do so...

That's awful. A child - even an adult one - should not be financially supporting parents. Especially not long term.

Cut the cord. Tell them you have financial problems and a cashflow issue.

It may not be a good time (for them) for you to do this, but let's face it, there never WILL be a good time to say 'I am not supporting you any longer!'

Could you let them have the money whilst making it clear (in writing and keep a copy) that unfortunately this will be the last financial assistance you will be able to afford for a while as there are things you would like to do for the rest of your family (DH and DC) Offer to help if they feel they need help to budget

I don’t think you are. I think you are fully within your rights to say no!
You have your own family and needs to be sorting out - moving home, another child coming and the in the nicest way your parents aren’t learning anything by coming to you for money all the time. I’m all for helping parents, friends etc but not all the time and not when they have had time/ opportunity to save - ie/ not doing 3 weeks holidays on a whim!
You don’t need to explain yourself - a simple -I don’t have the money should cover it. Their debts are their problems - not yours and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about that

While I understand the financial situation, it does sound as if you would like the family to be represented at this burial.

Could one of your parents go, to represent you all? Is one of them a closer relative to the deceased?

For example, if the deceased were sister to one of your parents, but Sister in Law to the other, could you pay for the parent who is the more direct relation to go, stay a few nights attending the burial, then come back?

If they were a relative then I could maybe see the point.

But sorry it's a friend. If they mean that much to them, they would have planned this better. They knew it was coming so why spend all that money on extravagant holidays?

No they can either find the money or not go.

I think everyone is being way to kind here. They knew this was coming, yet they didn't save for it and instead went on a 3 week jolly. They have asked you to fund their fun times many times before, yet you can't even afford a family holiday

Don't feel guilty at saying a big fat NO - you shouldn't be funding them to have a better lifestyle than you can afford yourself

YANBU...I'd help them out with essentials such as food, gas, electric etc but no would I be funding them to go on what are essentially free holidays. Especially if it's detracting from my plans with my family.

If they can't afford to go.themselves then they don't go.

If they want to create more debt it’s their choice. They knew this person would pass away but chose extravagant holidays. Just say you do t ha e the cash

No - they are money-grabbing greedy, selfish egotists.
You have done more than enough and seem to have dug yourself into a hole and now they just expect you to bail them out.

Time to make a change OP.

I agree you should tell them you don't have the money. It's a friend not a family member and not unexpected either as a pp has already stated. They should have planned for it and not expected you to bail them out. Where will it end otherwise?

If they have debts then their estates will have to cover them when it comes down to it.

i think you must start saying no. Even if there was no maternity and no saving for the new house this can't go in forever.. However given your circumstances it would be wrong of you to put your parents needs befire those of your children.

Tell them they have already been abroad at your expense this year and you have not been able to afford a holiday so unfortunately you can't help them and as you are putting any excess money into savings for your maternity and your children you won't be able to help them in future.

it isn't clear why you provide monthly support but perhaps this should stop unless there's a reason you haven't shared. Most people don't provide monthly support for their parents

Do you have siblings who also help out?

Thanks for sharing your views. I think I am leaning towards saying no. The recent three week trip still annoys me, because they also paid for the flight of another family to also go, though that person only stayed a week. At this stage I don't think they will ever learn, but I really don't want to end up being dragged down with them even though I appreciate the sacrifices they made whilst I was growing up to make sure I was able to do better than they did in life.

I'm ok with the monthly support I give them. I'd of course prefer that money for my own family, but I've done it for years now and to change it now would make things a lot harder for them. One parent is physically unable to work, so that is part of the reason why I do it as otherwise they just receive benefits and a small pension. The other works, but income is not always stable.

@Fruitcorner123 You make a good point, my children really should come first. And if I do think of it like that, I do feel a lot less guilty. That plus my husband is pretty fed up with all the requests too, though he would still support me if ultimately I said i did want to give something.

@choli I do have siblings, but everyone probably (correctly) assumes that I have the most money. My sister earn pretty much minimum wage and my brother earns well enough (and also gives them a little money on a monthly basis), but burden tends to fall to me because I'm the oldest of us. I've checked and neither of them have been asked to contribute to this trip.

Tell them you can't afford it (because you can't, if you're saving your money for other things) and let the family of the deceased friend pay for their travel if it's that important to them that your parents attend. As pp have said, they chose to go on a random holiday so why should you pay for this trip?

Absolutely no.
You should tell your parents that they will not be getting any more money from you as you are unable to afford it and you need to put your children first.
If they want to go to this funeral then they will have to sell something and raise the funds themselves. Or ask some other mug.
Because my dear, that’s what you have been. You have been TOO nice and unfortunately you have made a rod for your own back. If you can afford it and parents need money to feed themselves then yes,of course help them. But for three week/three month jolly holidays when they know that they will need to support this close friend whose partner has died and they should have budgeted for this!
They are simply taking the piss and you -because you love them- have let them. But now you need to be strong and tell them that bank of mummy tobe has closed .
Please try to do this ASAP as you don’t need the stress. They have behaved like spoilt irresponsible children. I think it’s awful that they would take money from their pregnant child for a feckimg holiday.
Tell them that two profligate pensioners are a luxury you can no longer afford!
Good luck,and good luck with becoming a mummy!

Because you wrote this about the family of the person who died and it being important to them, on this occasion I might help.

You can also have some control over the tickets, the duration, the cost. You can offer x amount. But of course, this is only if you want to help on this occasion.

Afterwards this should stop and you need to have a calm, non confrontational talk with your parents. Give your parents warning - just tell them you don't have the money for additional spends. Your circumstances are changed and you are still providing basic support too. How you spend your money is your business. You're not accountable or responsible for your parents lifestyle.

Your DH and children must come first. Also OP, this would cause problems in my marriage if is happening regularly. Protect your family.

They want to go? They fund it. End of.

Just because you earn more doesn’t mean you have more disposable income. You need to stop giving all money as your own family needs to come first. It’s not sustainable. What if your dp wanted to do the same?

Wow! They are really taking advantage of your good nature here! Can’t believe they paid for someone else’s flights for their recent trip, presumably with the money you had given them ?

I understand that the funeral is important, however they knew this eventuality was coming up yet chose to have a 3 week break knowing they’d have to ask again for money when the time came. That’s really selfish and irresponsible and unfair to you, but they seem to see you as a money tree and expect you to help them keep up appearances. However you’re responsibly making cutbacks to your own lifestyle already with an eye on future provision and as such this cannot continue.

Your circumstances are changing- if it was me, I would see that it’s the perfect time to make the point that everyone needs to live within their means. Your family, your husband and your children’s needs come first and that’s not an excuse, it’s the absolute truth. It’s unfair on your DH and could lead to issues between the two of you as he would reasonably feel frustrated with this. Your family will be going without to make this happen for them. I would position it from this standpoint and point out the recent 3 week excursion as the last you could assist with given those changed circumstances.

Good luck & congratulations

Do your parents often tell you about all the sacrifices they made for you? Wonder why? It doesn’t justify them asking you for money to go abroad and having a monthly amount? Parents do do that to their children.