Sudden loss of a loved one and how people deal with it

[Diff16]

I don't know where to post this.
I lost my younger brother in a motorbike accident 5 weeks ago. I am truly heartbroken and miss him so much.
After my children, he was the one I was closest to in all the world; I am separated from my ex.
The thing is I just cannot cry.
I am carrying on my life as normal.
Laugh, chat and joke at work as usual.
I just feel I should be more sad, I have barely cried.
Maybe I am in shock, as I know I cannot truly believe it.
I know some days I get an awful pit feeling in my stomach that he has gone. Like now, I am watching England play Belgium in the World Cup match, and I just know we would have been bantering about it so much...
Is this normal?
Maybe everyone deals with this differently.
Just felt the need to post - thank you for reading.
Thanks

Perfectly normal. You take it minute by minute until you can move to hour by hour then day by day. There is no time scheduled for grief nor a right way to grieve. I’m so very sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss, Diff16 . It does sound very normal - you will deal with this in your own time. Is there anyone you can talk to?

It will hit you at some point, but don't beat you self up for now. Do what you need to do to get thru

Everything in those circumstances is normal. You react how you react and that's right for you. The feelings will change, there's a cycle to go through, in varying orders.

I couldn't accept my Dad had died for ages. My mind would say 'Dads gone' and my brain would just go 'nope. Too big. Cannot compute.'

I'm so sorry. losing someone you love is so hard.

My condolences to you, so sorry. It doesn’t seem real, does it, and then you remember again. It may take you a long time to get to grips with it, there’s nothing wrong in that, we all feel grief differently. Try to be kind to yourself, and think fondly of your brother about things like the football which may be a comfort to you. Take care of you. Hugs.

So sorry for you loss. Everyone deals with things differently in their own time. Be kind to yourself 💐💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. My experience is that grief comes in waves. I had a loss recently and was fine until about 3 weeks in and it was only then that it really hit me. Everyone is different though so don't expect to feel a certain way or beat yourself up if you don't. You must be kind to yourself. If you would find it useful there are some good bereavement charities you can talk to, with trained counsellors to talk to.

I’m so sorry about your brother

My Mum said something interesting to me recently about grief. Her mum died when I was 10. She was obviously upset by it but didn’t cry much, only at the funeral and presumably a bit to my dad. Her dad died quite recently and she definitely grieved more vocally and obviously. She loved them both and was probably closer to her mum, so it wasn’t about caring more about either.

In her words about it, when her mum died she didn’t have the luxury of being able to wallow in grief. She had a young family, work and just cracked on with things. When her dad died she didn’t have the responsibilities - we were grown up, she is retired. She felt she had the time and space and luxury to grieve. She didn’t need to be strong and in control of her emotions.

Don’t beat yourself up about how you are expressing your grief. It is not a representation of how much you loved your brother x

Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to send your replies, I really appreciate them.
@mavismcruet your reply resounds so much. I am so busy with an ill Mum, a very distrassed sister and 2 teenagers; not to mention a demanding job and lots of financial worries. So I guess I have a lot on my plate. I don't want a pity party, as I know we all have lots of issues to contend with in life. & many on here have much more difficult times than me. I am lucky to have so many very fond and happy memories of my brother. Thank you all. x

I lost my DM in a car accident almost two years ago. She was 69. A pensioner drifted into oncoming traffic at 50mph and killed two people.
I don't think I will ever get over it. I lost my DF aged 54, so in my early 40's I was left without parents and having to sell the family home, arrange her funeral, wind up her estate etc etc, alongside running the home, looking after two DC who were also distressed and then returning to work.
My life is so busy I still don't feel I have time to grieve properly. I often cry in the car between home and work, it's like a little bubble where no one can see.
It's the trial next month so still can't draw a line under it so to speak. Maybe after then I'll fall apart.

There is no formula for grief. You don't have to grieve like people grieve in the movies. They are not real, you are. There is no point pretending life isn't still happening and you are perfectly entitled to happy times and thoughts. Likewise, if later on you do feel sad, that is also OK.

With physical injuries, we usually feel the sting immediately; but when injured really badly, it takes a while for the pain sensation to kick in. So it may just be that it hasn't "kicked in" yet. When my mother died, I (apparently) coped totally calmly: letting the family know, funeral arrangements, notifying authorities, winding up the estate, etc., etc., dry-eyed and on top of everything.
Then six months later, a dear friend started a silly, trivial argument (about duffle coats - go figure!) and the poor devil stood back in horror as the six-month backlog caught up with me and a
the tear-tsunami hit him admidships....... Don't feel there's something wrong with you; reality will catch up in its own good time.

It is normal. I think the brain only drip feeds what you can cope with.

I started having really awful nightmares and and that point realised I wasn’t really coping at all. I emailed a grief counsellor in the middle of the night. Best thing i’ve ever done.

I’m so sorry about your brothers death, sending you lots of love.

So sorry for your loss OP. All these posts have been reassuring though - I lost my DF 7 months ago and have just carried on. Not cried or anything. My DM constantly talks about him and grief and assumes I cry as much as she does but anyone watching me would think I wasn't bothered. I feel as though I must be devoid of any feeling but I just don't really feel anything at all. I reckon we all go at our own pace and although some people have huge emotional outpourings it's not how we all process things. There's no 'right way' to grieve.

i lost the love of my life after 47 years ago just 9 weeks ago . I went back to work at nearly 68 to get structure in my life as the less you do the more distraught you get. It doesn't mean I am in anyway over grieving . With children work etc you have to put on a brave face and get on with it so dont beat yourself up.

47 years of marriage sorry

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.

Sheryl Sandberg's book Option B really really helped me through something similar last year.

So sorry to hear about your brother. I also lost a close family member in 1999. I didn't cry much a few weeks after the incident, I felt guilty then I realised that I was thinking and talking to him all the time, I had a different relationship with him but still a relationship so it was not the end.

Life goes on as much as we want to pull the breaks and scream, You find yourself moving with it. X

I lost my mum a few weeks ago and feel the same at the moment. The guilt at not feeling distraught is worse than the grief so far. The worst thing is I feel like I can't even remember her. Like brain has just decided I can't cope so best just forget any and everything. That's what I'm hoping, or maybe I'm just completely heartless

I think there's no normal, especially when it was so sudden. Just look after yourself and remember all the good memories you have

@Diff16

You don't want a pity party???

Well you deserve one. You poor thing

It's only been 5 weeks since your brother died, and you have other issues on top too, like an ill mother and a family of your own.

You need to take care of yourself. Don't work too hard. Can you have any time off? Maybe ask the doc to write you a note for a few weeks off.

You are only 'not crying' coz it's not hit you yet.

My pal's mother died a year and 3 months ago, and it's still not sunk in properly. She still hasn't cried. Not even at the funeral. And they were close.

She said she forgets she is dead sometimes, and speaks about her to people in the present tense. She dreams that she is visiting her, and when she wakes up, it hits her that she didn't visit her (and she is in fact, not here anymore.)

Grief is different for everyone. One lad I knew some years ago, (he was 21,) went partying and clubbing the day after his mother died and got pissed, and then went for the weekend to Blackpool a few days before her funeral.

People slagged him off and said his behaviour was awful, but people deal with stuff differently, and he was dealing with it in his own way - by shutting it out.

Diff16 I could have written your post, lost my brother suddenly in January under different circumstances and we were as close as two siblings could possibly be.
It's a long process, I still cry most days in private and think of my loss several times a day - the initial shock and total grief pass but other feelings take their place. Life goes on. But never the same again.