Wibu to invite 15 children?

[DextroDependant]

Class of 24 children, would I be unreasonable to invite 15 of them to DS party, so 16 including DS.

That makes 2 thirds, The rule is usually half or all isn't it? It's an good mix of boys and girls that would be left out.

I think it’s absolutely fine; it’s not like you’re only leaving out one or two. And I agree with the pp who said that excluding children because of their sex sends a far worse message.

It sounds fine to me. It doesn’t sound like whole class parties are a thing for his class.

Why have such an expensive party?
How old are the kids?

I am guessing they are young- a bouncy castle hire and a picnic will cost a lot less then you are paying.
If they are older/preteens/teens, then a trip for 6 to bowling/cinema/[pizza is appropriate.

I don’t get this half the class “rule”. It’s a party, invite who the child wants, why would you invite people they don’t like/don’t get on with/having nothing to do with just because it’s the thing to do? Would you invite people to your own party you didn’t like? Bet you wouldn’t.

LadyPenelope68 I agree.
My son had a birthday party and we invited the whole class except two boys.

Fine with me.

We invited 19'out of 32. Its your party

If someone invites just the boys or just the girls, then a person who is sad because he/she wasn't invited can be told: "the party was just boys/ just girls", rather than having to be told: "the party was just for people the birthday child likes (and you aren't one of those)". For 99.999% of the population it is less hurtful to be told: "you were excluded because of your sex", than to be told: "you were excluded because you are not a good friend".

I agree with PPs that the message about segregation by sex is not great, but it is disingenuous to pretend that it isn't less hurtful than the alternative.

In my home country a message is often sent out by schools asking people to invite the whole class, just the boys/girls, or a small group of best friends (4-5 people). This seems very sensible to me.

I often invite people to my house in order to be kind or inclusive, and not hurt their feelings. This includes slightly difficult relatives, old people who aren't much fun any more, friends who have an irritating side, but whom I have known for a long time, people with disabilities which make them a bit difficult to hang out with in a group but who like to be included in things, etc.

It seems really unkind to me to exclude just one or two kids from a class party, especially if the children are primary school aged. Their friendships are quite fluid at this age, and a lot of kids need to practice how to be a good friend/ guest, so should be forgiven for making some mistakes in the past. A party is not just about the birthday child, in my opinion; it is also about creating a social world which is kind, and embraces the ethos that you would like to see in your kids' lives.

I would invite all the boys or girls, or a small group or the whole class.

Age 6 is too young for children to be in a minority that is excluded.

Often it is the less sociable children who tend to be left out - like my DS1 who has autism. I know its a fact of life that he will struggle socially as he grows up but its nice for him to be included a bit as a small child.

Pure I have a child who is less sociable/not popular because of his SEN, but I certainly wouldn’t want him invited out of pity or just because someone felt guilty.

“In my home country a message is often sent out by schools asking people to invite the whole class, just the boys/girls, or a small group of best friends (4-5 people). This seems very sensible to me.“

This is absolutely ridiculous! A school cannot tell you who to invite to a party, they cannot control that. What a bonkers thing to send to parents!

This is absolutely ridiculous! A school cannot tell you who to invite to a party, they cannot control that. What a bonkers thing to send to parents!

True. A school cannot tell you how to behave, to have good manners or be considerate to others.

My dgs is 5 and there are 30 kids in his class (Reception). Most weekends there is a birthday party, some weekends two parties. He has a better social life than we do! Ithink it must be an unwritten rule that all the kids are invited to birthday parties. Maybe as they get older, it'll change, especially as they get more expensive.

claraschu can you not imagine any scenario where it would be OK to exclude one or two individuals?

I can imagine plenty of scenarios of all sorts, but I was responding to posters saying things like "it's your party- invite who you like" etc. Surely, with young kids, most reasonable people want to set an example of being considerate?

Schools aren't making rules; they are raising awareness of how hurtful it can be when kids are persistently excluded, and trying to get parents to be considerate of the complex social scene in a school class, which they often don't see and don't have any awareness of (until their child is the one being hurt by exclusion).

If someone invites just the boys or just the girls, then a person who is sad because he/she wasn't invited can be told: "the party was just boys/ just girls", rather than having to be told: "the party was just for people the birthday child likes (and you aren't one of those)". For 99.999% of the population it is less hurtful to be told: "you were excluded because of your sex", than to be told: "you were excluded because you are not a good friend".

But you're forcing your child to not invite kids to their party that they like and are friends with, and to invite kids that they don't like and aren't friends with.

Deliberately engineering the invitations so as to make an excuse is crazy and if you really aren't in the top 15 friends the lack of awareness to think you're their best buddy is crazy. Personally I don't think it's less hurtful to tell I'm being excluded because of something I cannot change, than something I can, but then none of us are 6 so it may be completely different.

SirFred you are right- if a child has a close friend of the opposite sex it would be mean to exclude them, but I would assume that that isn't what would ever happen in a reasonable family.

My kids always wanted parties which were just for a small group of best friends, or for a whole class, so none of this came up. We also made sure that our kids didn't talk about their parties in front of people who hadn't been invited, or go around saying "if you don't do xxxx I won't invite you to my party" and similar annoying things.

I think it is important to teach kids that it is not as simple as "invite who you like"; there is an element of being thoughtful, being sensitive, sometimes including people for other reasons than just that they are the person you feel like inviting this week.

For 99.999% of the population it is less hurtful to be told: "you were excluded because of your sex", than to be told: "you were excluded because you are not a good friend"

I disagree. My dc have found it far harder to understand why they can’t go to a party because they are a boy/girl than when they can’t go to a party because they are not in the birthday child’s particular circle of friends. They have both always had mixed friends groups.

‘Boys’ party’ and ‘Girls’ party’ nonsense inevitably leads on to the tedious sex segregation messages of girls do nice quiet pottery painting parties while boys do running around with nerf guns parties. This constant stereotyping is really unhelpful when trying to bring up your kids to believe they can be interested in anything they want, and play with whoever they want.

MadMary I completely agree with you in principle, and I wish my kids had had more mixed friendship groups in primary school.

Unfortunately, the ethos around where my kids grew up has meant that this is the way it is (my kids didn't fit into the stereotypes and neither do I, but that has been the way life school live panned out from age 5-10).

I am very glad to be wrong about the 99%!