To be furious with someone I’ve never even met?

[Barmypastrami]

Can’t go into all the details as don’t want to be too outing in case it gets into the daily fail but dh has a colleague who has started working in another part of the UK M-F. There were some serious family issues prior to this that were hard to deal with but now seem to be largely resolved -which I think prompted him to apply for the job so he didn’t have to deal with them-.

Anyway he told my dh a few weeks ago that he’s been having an affair with someone half his age - he’s 54. So not only did he leave her with the issues, he is also living the single life M-F before parachuting back to the family at weekends.

I know it’s none of my business. I’m not interfering. But I can’t help secretlly feeling terribly sorry for his wife, and that he’s an arsehole!

It's not a nice situation and I'd be sympathetic to his wife and judgmental of him but I think being furious over this is a bit much, especially as she's not your friend or even an acquaintance.

It's not a nice situation and I'd be sympathetic to his wife and judgmental of him but I think feeling furious over this is a bit much, especially as she's not your friend or even an acquaintance.

I think when you hear of stories like this it just makes you think what would you do if it was your DH? Which is what makes you so furious. I’d probably be a bit cross too. In fact, I am a bit cross and I really don’t know anyone involved

I suppose you’re right Gettingaway. I’m getting to that age as a wife when some husbands do that kind of thing - a last hurrah, I guess. It makes me feel a bit insecure because from what I’ve read on mn, most of the guys who do this kind of thing, aren’t the type at all.

It might also be a frustration that men seem to grow relatively more powerful at this age because they are often financially secure and apparently more mature than younger men which many women are looking for. Whereas for some (many?) men it’s the opposite.

But, yeah, it’s none of my business and I should try and focus my energies more on myself, my family and close friends.

This shit happens all the time. I'm 48 and I'm glad I left my x over a decade ago. I'm bracing myself for this announcement from a friend.

Barmypastrami, are you working Barmypastrami? I think it's the sahms who are more vulnerable to being left. There's something about a woring wife, the man knows she has options too - it makes him LESS not more likely to leave imo.

The missing letter there is a K!

Working.

Not an h. Not whoring :D

Also, sorry to mention this but I wonder if your husband is telling you this to see how you'd react

ie, to see if your reaction is how the wife should play the pick me dance,
or to see if your reaction is ''she should kick him to the kerb''.

I'd judge and I'd have my judgey pants hoisted so high they'd be strangling me, but not angry, no. Not my circus...

I'd feel terribly sorry for his wife though, having been cheated on and seen friends' husbands have pathetic mid-life crises in similar fashion and blow the lives of their entire family apart for shags with (often) someone very reminiscent of their wives at a younger age.

Why do some men do this in their 40's/50's?

Yes I am a sahm but am setting up my own business providing a service I’ve been training for for some time. I also have a rental property as an investment. But maybe I should become a whoring wife 😬.

And if my dh was testing me out, I made it extremely clear they’d be no pick me dance. I might be able to forgive a one-off moment of madness but not the deceit and ongoing emotional relationship.

Good for you Barmypastrami, glad I didn't offend! I just mean in a general sense if women have more power and more options, not just in the relationship but ''out there'' in the world, men think twice about straying/leaving. This is just a sense I have. NOT based on any research!

Nobodys no offence taken as no offence intended! It’s always good to keep your power.

I think it's the sahms who are more vulnerable to being left

I disagree. Its nothing to do with the wife and everything to do with the husband. This is victim blaming.

barmypastrami I would let the wife know. Maybe anonymously for your DH sake but I would find a way. Assuming the woman is a similar age she has 30 years ahead of her and a good chance of finding a decent life partner to enjoy her retirement with.

I would always expose a cheater if I could. I think it would be awful to find out after years with someone that the whole relationship has been a lie.

I did wonder about this fruit corner but I don’t know her name, so have no way of contacting her (via Facebook, anonymous letter etc). I only know his Christian name and it would be suspicious if I tried to find ihis surname out from my dh.

I don’t think nobody was blaming sahms. The woman in question has a professional corporate job by all accounts anyway. But I do understand that you do feel more vulnerable if you don’t have your own income. It doesn’t mean that what the husband does is excusable. It isn’t. But just that he might think twice about whether he might get away with it if he believes his dw would kick him out without a second thought. In my view it’s about the sense of entitlement such men have. Often if things don’t work out with the ow, they’re outraged that their dw won’t take them back. That’s at least what I’ve seen on here. They seem to think they deserve to have a bit on the side. Maybe it seems easier to have that sense of entitlement if you feel more powerful in the relationship. As I have been a sahm I do know that sometimes I have felt less powerful in the relationship and that I have had to put up with things more. I'm not saying that that’s right or fair but just how things were.

I kind of see your point there. Most of the sahms I know have very successful husbands and the ones I know well seem to do an awful lot for their DH and most all of child related tasks too so perhaps their DHs are more likely to be selfish and take their wives for granted . Perhaps I was unfair to call it victim. blaming but I don't like the idea that it's a woman's fault for not living a certain way. Its not feminism to judge a woman for making different life choices to you and sometimes on mumsnet it can feel like being a sahm is looked down upon.

It is not a question of "victim blaming".

It is the difference - conscious and unconscious - between an H feeling he has more options than his W

I agree with you fruitcorner, it is not a wife'# fault that her H takes her for granted.

Im a single parent and i only managed to get back in to workplace when youngest 8. That was part time for first two years. Im not judging anybody's life honestly!!
Unless they are middle aged men who try to date 25 year olds

Fruit corner I completely agree that sahms are often looked down on here. Sometimes some sahms swipe at wohms too this equally annoys me. The more we start to support each other and our choices, the better it will be for all women.

Barmypastrami couldnt agree more. There's a thread on here at the moment where people are hammering a woman for sending her child to nursery while she works. As far as I can see no-one is hammering her partner who is also working while his child is at nursery.

Yes barmypastrami, and so often, women's so-called choices weren't really choices. Either they were committed to huge mortgages and had to leave a baby they longed to be with, or, within the economics of their own family unit, it made 'sense' for them to stay at home. Sometimes there's pressure to do that, sometimes it's impossible to get back in to the workplace.

But i think true choice is rare.

What does M-F mean?