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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Step daughter is telling her mum lies about our life

28 replies

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 27/06/2018 19:05

My step daughter to be reports everything that is said in our home back to her mum. I know this as SS tells us. Not only this, she makes up arguments that we haven’t had, making DP’s ex very happy (again from SS). She’s a teenager and I’ve been with her dad for four years. I wasn’t the OW, they were separated when we met. AIBU to challenge her on this?

OP posts:
TryingToForgeAnewLife · 27/06/2018 19:06

Yes. Let her father deal with her

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 27/06/2018 19:07

Why? The lies are about me?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2018 19:07

How old is she and why is SS telling you?

MrsClutterworth · 27/06/2018 19:08

I would definitely let her know that you know and that you aren't happy about it. That can't go on, she will just end up causing major problems in you and her dads life. Nip it in the bud before it goes any further and tell her you will not allow it to continue.

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 27/06/2018 19:08

She’s a young teenager. I don’t know why he’s telling us?? Possibly to cause trouble?

OP posts:
OkMaybeNot · 27/06/2018 19:11

Is SS social services, or stepson?

DuchyDuke · 27/06/2018 19:11

What is your SS motive in telling you this? Sometimes kids just want their resident parents to be happy, if that means throwing daddy’s fiancee under the bus a few times then allow it. Don’t get involved. Treat them both well and by the time she steps out of her teen years you may well have a decent relationship.

Whocansay · 27/06/2018 19:11

I would do nothing. If she wants to lie to her mother, so what? If your SS is out to cause trouble, then no reaction is best.

But yes, if you feel that something should be said, leave it to their father. Not your job.

HettySunshine · 27/06/2018 19:11

Do you mean step son? Not social services?

AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 19:14

Any chance SS is the one lying, to hurt your feelings and make his sister look bad.

One of them is lying and you have no proof which .

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 27/06/2018 19:14

Are the lies actually affecting you? I mean is her mum taking action wrt contact or anything based on these lies?

Balibabe1 · 27/06/2018 19:15

What impact does it have on you? Frankly, I would ignore it, and I would also deter the conversation in a different direction when your SS mentions it.

It could be multiple things, the brother could be trying to get his sister in trouble, it could be the daughter is showing her loyalty to her mum.
Either way, and I genuinely appreciate this is difficult
, you nee to remain unbiased and consistent. Teenagers are angst ridden gits and add blended family life into the mix just heaps additional frustration and anger.

Good luck.

Flisspaps · 27/06/2018 19:16

I'd say it's pretty obvious from the context that she means stepson, not Social Services.

Cheerbear23 · 27/06/2018 19:16

I would call her out on it. Lying is a bad habit and dishonest.

Bluntness100 · 27/06/2018 19:18

How old are both these children?

The question is why does she need to to it and why is the step son telling you and could he be making it up.

I really wouldn't take this as read. Either he is making it up to get her into trouble, or she is doing it to make her mum happy, either way I'd say it's sign of two Troubled kids.

rainingcatsanddog · 27/06/2018 19:25

Are you sure SS is telling the truth?

If it is then you got to feel sorry for a girl who has to make up lies to impress her mum.

happypoobum · 27/06/2018 19:29

Why do you give a shit what her mother thinks?

I would just crack on with life and leave them to it. If their father wants to raise it as an issue then fine, but having been a SM, I would leave this well alone.

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 27/06/2018 19:31

Sorry step son not social services! Yes I’m pretty sure he’s telling the truth, he’s not prone to this sort of thing usually. I think mum probably encourages her though, got to feel sorry for them both!

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MissVanjie · 27/06/2018 19:32

Honestly what goes on in their home is none of your business if it doesn’t affect you

Obviously what goes on in your home is none of the mum’s business either, but someone in this scenrio has to take the high road.

agnurse · 27/06/2018 19:32

TBH, I would ignore it. There are any number of reasons she could be doing this - to incite an argument from you, she's jealous of your relationship with her dad, to keep her mom happy, to get attention, etc. As PPs have said, it's even possible that SS could be lying or trying to wind you up.

A wise person once said, "What other people think of you is none of your business". As long as SD is not being abused (which I sincerely doubt) what happens at yours is none of her mom's business, and what happens at her mom's is none of your business.

I could be wrong here, but I think you have posted before about SD's clash with you. The reality is that she is a young teen, which is a difficult age to start with, and she's now having to adjust to sharing her dad. IIRC you have been together for some time, but now you're going to formalize it in a marriage. That indicates permanency and commitment. It may not be easy for her to accept. My concern is that if you push her and punish her, she's likely to keep seeing you as the "bad guy" and you won't get any further with her.

My advice would be to just ignore it. If she says bad things about you to your face, I would respond with, "I understand that you're upset, but I don't appreciate being called that. Could you please tell me what YOU would like to see happen?" This provides you with some room to negotiate. Parenting teens is very similar to parenting toddlers - you have to let them make decisions, while providing reasonable boundaries. You also have to decide when to say something and when to let go. I would suggest this is one of the times to let go.

Goodasgoldilox · 27/06/2018 19:35

She is living a difficult life - it is hard to operate in two worlds at home and have all the teen stuff at school as well.

Trying to keep her mum happy is an understandable thing.

You got the information at second hand - it doesn't seem right to act on this.

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 27/06/2018 19:38

Thanks all, some good advice here!

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Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 27/06/2018 19:39

Call her out on it together. We have this problem with my dsc. And it's usually really bizarre lies about me that couldn't possibly be true.
We called them out on lies every time together! it soon became not worth her while .
Some people will go down the route of never upsetting a step child. But actually that does nobody any good . Be firm but fair .

kateandme · 27/06/2018 20:14

is it causing a problem.the trouble is with leaving it is it still means she going through enough turmoil with your relaitnship to make up such lies that not easy on either of you.and it cant feel good for her.
would it help to keep working on your relationship instead?so trying to become better friends so that eventually she wont want to tell the lies?alot easier said than done I know.
perhaps asking for her help with something.are you going out anywhere or anything coming up that she could feel vital for helping yo uwith. whether it be an outfit or organising something.
could you ask her if she would like to do more together.even if its coking evening meal.
if you don't want to confrton her on the lies and this particular behaviour.instead perhaps still an open conversation with you talking to her about how you are upset or unhappy with how things ar btween the two of you and want to make things better.

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 27/06/2018 20:22

No it’s not causing a huge problem, it’s just a really strained atmosphere when she’s around. I have to watch everything I say in case it gets repeated back. DP is frustrated with it too, he doesn’t want our life discussed with his ex.

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