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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my mil

20 replies

Randomnickname2018 · 27/06/2018 18:56

Note to Mumsnet I’ve name changed and altered some details about me so not to be outed
My dh was abused quite often when he was little from her some pretty fucked up nasty shit! . Every time she comes to see us we pay for flight and fucking pocket money and buy her cigs she won’t come otherwise. She’s a nasty bitch who my dh needs to go nc with but I mainly stay out of it apart from our kids aren’t left alone with her as I don’t want our dds near her really but my dh is a very forgiving man and has forgiven her and now he wants me to AIBU not to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Randomnickname2018 · 27/06/2018 19:02

Forgot to mention his dad was never in the picture

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 27/06/2018 19:04

Why dies she come? I’d stop paying, without a doubt.

frustratedashell · 27/06/2018 19:07

Blimey, he's more than forgiving! I would go NC. He needs some help to become stronger and breakaway from her. Obviously a very damaging relationship for him , you and the kids. Good luck

Original poster
Randomnickname2018 · 27/06/2018 19:08

To see us. Dh wants to carry on paying otherwise she won’t come. Iam trying to get him to see a professional about it all but he doesn’t want to

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 27/06/2018 19:15

He can forgive her but you dont have to and you dont have to let her near your kids.

If he wants to see her then she he should pay for it, not you. Why should family money be used to enable an abuser to stay in your home? I would insist she stays elsewhere and never steps over the door. I wouldnt want an abusive person anywhere near my kids.

Doesn't he realise that this is just another form of abuse? "I wont come unless you pay for it, you need to pay me to be nice to you." Thats pretty fucked up right there.

crispysausagerolls · 27/06/2018 19:20

Agree with willow. You love you husband and don’t want to be around someone who abused him. You also don’t want your children to be around an abuser. Therefore you can’t support his decision here - he is free to see her but not step one foot in your house or be around your children. Ever. Even with him there, or you there. I would also put my foot down re paying.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/06/2018 19:27

How can the OP stop her husband from allowing his mother into his home? Realistically.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 27/06/2018 19:27

Your DH sounds lovely. If he has genuinely forgiven and wants to move on, then I think you need to respect his decision, although I quite understand your feelings and desire to protect him.

crispysausagerolls · 27/06/2018 19:44

GreatDuckCookery

I wouldn’t bring someone into our home that DH didn’t want there, out of courtesy. He would extend me the same courtesy.

Original poster
Randomnickname2018 · 27/06/2018 20:13

If I asked him to stop seeing her he would or stop sending her money he would but he needs to nc on his own terms. It wasn’t TIL last year he would say that he had a mother that abused him because it was so normal for him to have a mum that beats him and leaves him for days without food or enough money to top up the power or rubs dog poo in his hair because she was having a bad day! He still says it wasn’t to bad!

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 27/06/2018 20:18

Randomnickname2018

Jesus fucking Christ, what a Monster. Your poor DH! It’s difficult because he might feel some sort of personal healing by seeing her as an adult. But you really don’t need to be enabling it - if he wants to see her that’s his business but I wouldn’t be welcoming her into my home or allowing her to see my children.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/06/2018 20:20

Crisp it doesn't sound like the OP has asked her husband not to bring his mum to the house. For some unknown reason he wants to maintain a relationship with her.

OP I think it's time to lay your cards on the table and tell him you and the children won't be seeing her.

Original poster
Randomnickname2018 · 27/06/2018 20:23

I do need to stop seeing her not do I want my kids seeing her. We never stay with her he gos on his own ( stays with a friend or hotel) as I put my foot down when we had kids about that

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/06/2018 20:27

That's good OP.
If he insists on paying for her for ticket etc then you must insist she stays in a hotel or B and B. Does DH have any siblings MIL could stay with?

LovelyBath77 · 27/06/2018 20:28

Show him the site Out of the FOG really good for ideas on boundaries and NC...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/06/2018 20:34

If abuse and toxicity is all he's ever known to some extent her behaviour will seem normal to him.

If you could get him to seek some therapy that would help to understand his upbringing was anything but normal and he might then realise he doesn't have to maintain a relationship with her. Easier said than done though OP trying to get him to a counsellor.

Original poster
Randomnickname2018 · 27/06/2018 22:59

He does need to see a professional he knows that deep down I think the fact he now admits he had a childhood full of abuse is progress. He does have two brothers which suffered the same they are very much like dh in his way of thinking

OP posts:
sue51 · 27/06/2018 23:09

I wouldn't let her within a mile of my children. He can't normalise what she did to him. Does she recognise
what she did was cruel and twisted?

Original poster
Randomnickname2018 · 28/06/2018 13:41

It’s a lot easier to say that unless your going though it . She Denys it ever happened!

OP posts:
Original poster
Randomnickname2018 · 28/06/2018 13:41

It’s a lot easier to say that unless your going though it . She Denys it ever happened!

OP posts:
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