Younger sister had gained a huge amount of weight and keeps gaining - anything I can do?

[MrsPreston11]

Generally I'm a live and let live person and on seeing a thread like this my reaction would be "mind your own business" so I expect a lot of those answers.

But I've been doing that for the past 5 years with my sister (she's 25) and she's gained maybe 7+ stone in that time.

And that's with me losing weight in that time, getting her to come exercise with me (her idea to come, I never try and push her to anything as that always has the opposite effect with all female members of our family)

It's getting to the point with where it's making me worried for her health.

The tricky thing is she won't talk about her weight, ever, so I can't tell if she's given up hope and assuming she's just made big like our mum's side of the family and there's no point, or if she genuinely is happy. Problem is she's now not fitting into some seats, is turning down theme park days with her friends and I think it's because she got turned away from a ride etc.

She also travels long haul a lot with her job and I really can't see how she's comfortable in a plane seat.

I could really help her - if she asked. But she won't and I don't want to make her feel like I'm judging her etc.

Any words of wisdom? It's that balance of loving her too much to want to upset her, and loving her so much that it hurts to see her health deteriorating at such a young age.

As someone much closer to your sisters position than yours, I would be really careful!

It's only been in 2018 that I've started really doing something about my weight but believe me she thinks about it a lot more than you do. I was so so sensitive to people talking about my weight that if anything, it led me to eat more.

The not going to theme parks and plane seat thing probably devastates her everytime but IMO she will only diet / lose weight / change her lifestyle when she is ready and wants to.

My sister tried to get me to exercise with her and it just made me feel worse because she was so fit and I couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.

Good luck

I could really help her - if she asked.

What kind of help do you mean though? I'm sure she knows how to lose weight and exercise but she's either finding it difficult or choosing not to do it at the moment.

She obviously knows she's fat and probably feels more concerned about it than you do. I'd just be a supportive sister and let her confide in you if you she wants to. If she knows you're likely to push her it may make her back off.

It’s really bloody hard I think.

If you approach her about it, she’s likely to push back/deny/get cross/defensive about it all if she’s not ready to to change things yet.

If you leave it, things are likely to carry on getting worse.

I think just listening to her and complimenting small things would help improve her self-esteem (if that’s an issue), and might help kick start some motivation.

I have some family in a similar situation and don’t know what to do either.

It's so tricky.

I've always been very close to my sister - she is my best friend in most ways. She has the opposite problem to you in that I have anorexia. She knows. But we don't talk about it. Ever. I'm sure she would love to help me gain weight. But, for some reason, I couldn't let her in to that bit of my life and would react very defensively if she tried. Which she probably knows and is probably why we're such good friends!!

I wouldn't say categorically don't say anything - not if it's at the point of severely threatening her health. But I would plan very carefully and if and how you do. Definitely don't just do it on a whim off the back of this thread.

She knows she's overweight. She'll do something about it if and when she's ready. Nothing to be gained by pointing out the obvious just now.

I don’t think there is anything you can do. Just treat her as normal and when and if she decides to lose weight, you can step up and help her then. Getting involved with it now would possibly have the opposite effect to what you want.

Would any of us who have been overweight and beaten it would say we would have done it sooner if someone had ‘had a word’ with us about it. Even a well meaning word? I wouldn’t. It would have just made me more depressed.

You yourself have lost weight OP. What motivated you? How would you have felt about a family member mentioning your weight? Genuine Q.

I was very overweight. It was mentioned gently and not so gently by lots of people. I refused to see it, or pay attention to it, as I did not want to see it

Eventually, I saw it myself. I had around 6 stone to lose at that point, I've now lost 3.5 of them and am working on the rest. I saw a photo of me at my heaviest the other day and I actually cried. I couldn't see it at the time at all though

She won't deal with until she's ready.

In the nicest way possible - keep your beak as out as it can possibly be.

I have been that person and the only thing expressions did was either piss me off or make me feel sad.

She KNOWS she's put on weight, unless she has severe SEN. She KNOWS at the very least in the broadest sense how to lose weight.

I know I gained weight. I know why. I know the limitations it places on me. I know how to lose it. Until it was right for me to really make weight loss work, all anyone else did was piss me off - whether they were sympathetic and loving or cruel douches.

I'd be more concerned with why she has been emotionally eating. That isn't normal weight gain.
Did something happen when she was around 18?

What do you mean you could help her? How? I mean most people unless living under a rock know how to lose weight ( cut out the junk, eat more veg, exercise etc) so I doubt she needs your diet advice tbh

Like she doesn’t know she is overweight, of course she knows everytime she tries on an outfit, looks in the mirror, sits in a plane seat she knows.

People will now lose weight unless they want to, something has to happen to make them find the willpower from somewhere.

"I could really help her - if she asked."

How?

Losing weight is, for most people (and barring certain health conditions) a case of calories eaten vs calories burned.

Your sister is not stupid. She knows this.

For whatever reason she has not done what she needs to do to stop gaining weight and to lose the weight she has already gained.

If and when she wants to do this, she'd probably have more luck joining some sort of weight loss group where she is surrounded by other people in the same boat who suffer from the same psychological issues about food.

Difficult to help if she doesn't speak/ complain about her weight really. If she'd said she was unhappy that would be your way in, but if the subject can't be broached it's incredibly hard. I'd stay quiet until she mentions something tbh, hard I know.

Would any of us who have been overweight and beaten it would say we would have done it sooner if someone had ‘had a word’ with us about it. Even a well meaning word? I wouldn’t. It would have just made me more depressed.

It was actually my best friend mentioning it that gave me the kick start I needed. He’s very blunt and means well, mentioned I had a double chin and had been gaining weight then instantly realised what he’d said and apologised. I think he felt able to because we have an extremely honest and close friendship and I don’t think there’s anything he could ever say that would upset or anger me.

It was the wake up call I needed, I’d been deluding myself nobody else could really tell and that I was still slim. Got on the scales later that day to realise i was a pound away from being overweight. Did something about it! Have lost a stone and firmly in the middle of the healthy BMI category.

I’m grateful for his honesty.

OP, that story probably isn’t helpful for your sister as at such a huge size she probably isn’t under any illusions others don’t notice she’s obese. But I don’t know. For the sake of her health and at least trying, I’d say something. Gently. Just that you’ve noticed she’s gained a lot of weight recently and as people sometimes overeat when they’re stressed, is everything okay? Is she trying to cope with something difficult alone? How does she feel about her weight?

It might sting but no more than the experience of existing in this world while obese and the restrictions it places on her life, the stares and comments, the impact on her health. I think if it comes from a loving place then it’s a good thing to bring it up, as long as you respect her response, if she doesn’t want to discuss it you accept that.

Ah this is so tricky. I’d love to think you could say “look I’m worried about the weight you’re gaining” and she’d have a lightbulb moment and think “fuck, yes. I’m definitely going to do something about this now”. Maybe that would happen? Tbh, I’d be tempted to mention it, just once, and in a genuine “are you ok and can I help?” way. Never mention it again after that.

My sister is quite overweight, but she hasn’t gained it quickly, like your sister. If she did gain like that, I would probably want to know if she was ok.

I knew a women when we were in our early twenties and she was quite overweight. Her whole family used to nag her about it, ask her if she’d been to the gym, what she’d had for lunch blah blah. She got so irritated by it all that she’d just lie about what she’d eaten and where she’d been and basically flipped them the finger behind their backs. It was quite a horrible dynamic tbh. Don’t do that!

Please don't mention it. By all means ask her if she's stressed out about anything and offer support - but other people telling you they've noticed you're fat doesn't make it easier to lose weight, far from it.

OP isn't necessarily saying the help she wants to offer is about diets, exercise and losing weight per se. She might be wanting to talk to her about her mental health and try and support her emotionally, not physically. People don't usually put on 7 stone in 5 years because they like desserts too much. Her sister could be in a really bad place.

The weight is a symptom of the problem, not the problem.

Thanks all.

I don't think she's in a bad place really.

She's the last one left at home (apart from mega sporty golden boy younger brother), with our mum who goes from "you eat too much and are too lazy" and then as soon as mum wants a cake or takeaway she uses DS as an excuse to do it.

DS has a hectic job, with snacks out in the office all the time, and as we all grew up greedily it takes a lot for us to turn down cakes and donuts etc that are on tap! Thankfully where I work if I don't buy it it's not there. If I worked in her office then I would really struggle.

She's happy and smart and social, but I think it's just truly that she lacks self control with sweet things and then won't say no when the parents want a takeaway (at least twice a week) and then she's out with her friends once, twice a week too.

So let's say that since leaving uni she's been having 1000 extra calories a day (which is very easy if you have a Krispy Kreme and coffee each day, plus a couple of takeaways and then out drinking once in a week) that's 7 stone gained in a year.

I think in reality what's happened is as I've moved out and away from the warped vision of "healthy eating" at home I can see just how badly I ate growing up. Which of course means when Mum sees what I feed my girls it's never enough etc etc.
Not proper meals etc (hummus, pitta, olives, salad I did once - she was APPAULED - not a meal!)

Like mum will make a lasagne if I'm coming over as "that's very low" - yet it's like 20% fat mince she uses (the flavour is in the fat apparently) loads of cheese in the sauce and on top. Dolmio for the sauce, plus of course there's garlic bread with it.

But see that's one of the healthy meals of the week, pudding after, and always chocolate with telly in the evening.

The weekends is where the huge roasts and takeways etc happen.

Maybe that the angle to come at it from - point out that the way you were all brought up to eat is a bit skewed, and that you don't intend to feed your dcs the same way. Don't make it about her individually, but about your shared upbringing and about what you've done to break away from it.

I've had heavy hints from my mother and other relatives about losing weight, and it has never once motivated me to do so. I've lost some weight this year because I decided to experiment with low-carb and it turns out I like it.

Yes as I wrote that last post I realised I need to maybe have a rant on messenger or something about Mum saying I feed the kids bad and do a big list of all the awful things she thinks are "healthy"

Seeing them at the weekend so I'm sure I'll get something to work with.