Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset

17 replies

TaWi84 · 27/06/2018 11:18

My wife has become quite protective over her phone recently. She takes it everywhere with her, and often has it on silent which is out of the ordinary for her.

An old friend of hers recently got back in touch a few months ago, after her own relationship had ended.
My wife and this woman had a little 'thing' prior to me meeting her, where they slept together a couple of times and my wife developed some feelings for her, although things never progressed.

I've noticed my wife texting her lot but seeming quite secretive about the conversations.

This morning I noticed her phone on the bedside table and curiosity got the better of me - wrong I know.
I read around 5 text messages and in them, my wife had told this woman about an upcoming event for us, making a comment 'lets see what that does to our relationship...' and also she disclosed to this woman when we last had sex, seemingly moaning about how long ago it was.

I've confronted her about disclosing these details to another person, particularly someone she's slept with and had feelings for in the past. She feels she's done nothing wrong but I disagree.

To be clear, I know I was in the wrong looking at her phone...

OP posts:
PorkyPortia · 27/06/2018 11:20

I’d be upset too

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 11:26

Yeah I would also be upset by that.

TokyoSushi · 27/06/2018 11:27

Yep, not good, I'd be upset too

ChelleDawg2020 · 27/06/2018 11:31

YANBU to be upset or to check her phone. Checking someone's phone is one of those weird situations where the "wrongness" is determined by the results. Check and find nothing, you're just being suspicious and nosy, but checking and finding evidence justifies your actions.

LeighaJ · 27/06/2018 11:32

I would be upset too, since we're very private about our sex life.

"'lets see what that does to our relationship...'"

What does that even mean? Confused Was it meant in a nasty way?

Shoxfordian · 27/06/2018 11:35

I'd be really upset too.
Do you think she would cheat on you? This is shit..sorry op Wine

SugarIsAmazing · 27/06/2018 11:38

Does she think your relationship is struggling, whereas you thought all is rosy?

Feel bad for you.

PinkHeart5914 · 27/06/2018 11:39

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck is wrong with some people.

Of course your wife is in the wrong, who goes in to such details about your sex life with an ex

happypoobum · 27/06/2018 11:41

YANBU

How long have you been together? Any DC? Has she given you cause for concern before?

Raffles1981 · 27/06/2018 11:41

Sounds like the feelings are still there and she's maybe testing the waters? To moan about your relationship with a friend is fairly standard. To talk so deeply with someone she has/had feelings for - it's not a good sign OP Flowers

Original poster
TaWi84 · 27/06/2018 11:49

The 'lets see what this does to our relationship's comment was regarding a situation whereby my sister and baby nephew are moving to the same town where we live. Currently she lives 250 miles away. My wife feels that I talk to my family more than her, and that with the impending move, she'll be further pushed out as I help my sister when I can, being a single parent (not by choice) is tough for her.

My wife and I have a 2 year old daughter. Things haven't been brilliant between us for a while, and both of us should make more effort but we don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
TaWi84 · 27/06/2018 11:52

We've been together 9 years. This woman was a year before that...

OP posts:
sociopathsunited · 27/06/2018 12:14

I'm only going to address the sister issue, as that rings bells with my own situation.

Looking at her phone has given you a real opportunity to improve things between you, regarding your family situation. You now know that your own wife is anxious about being put into second place in your life by your sister's arrival. You can make sure that doesn't happen, if you want to. I know you say your sister needs help etc, but you do need to make sure that helping her isn't at your own wife's expense. Your wife and child should come first.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 27/06/2018 12:21

What sociopathsunited said.

Rednaxela · 27/06/2018 12:22

Instead of getting into a destructive spiral and competing with your spouse over who has been hurt most by the other, who is hardest done by, etc. Why not take this as an opportunity to get stuff out in the open. Dissatisfaction, resentment, stress. Talk about it all and talk now. Talk and listen. Really listen. It is painful to hear how your spouse feels hurt by you and vice versa. But if you don't bother then it's pretty clear where the relationship is headed.

So if you want to stay married, do the work.

Goodasgoldilox · 27/06/2018 12:30

So - now you know what is wrong between you (not this other woman - but the things that make you and your DP unhappy) and you have opened a dialogue. Your DP clearly feels that she needs to discuss her unhappiness. You have opportunity to be the person she discusses it with from here.

Don't turn it into a tit-for-tat quarrel. Look at what you can do to fix things. Most of all - keep talking.

Goodasgoldilox · 27/06/2018 12:36

On the supporting sister part this:

We have found that the best way to support those outside our family unit is to take it as a family project.

If we all agree that X needs this support - then we recognise that both the person going to give the support AND the person left behind holding the fort are taking part. It is something we happily do together.

If only one person agrees about giving the support - it has to be taken from their 'rest' or 'hobby' time and not taken at the expense of the family.

This works - and being together on how we help others has always brought us closer.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page