AIBU to want to finally put myself first ?

[DizzyBeeme]

Hello all..please bear with me whilst you read this...

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder...and 10 years ago met a younger guy who was an international student here. I was in a manic episode and we got married. My parents and siblings were frantic with worry as they knew I wasn't thinking with a balanced mind..but I ignored everybody. It was only 10 months later, and at 7 months pregnant I came 'down' from my high and thought good god what have I done. The shock caused me to have my daughter at 32 weeks and immediately I went into severe PND. My husband could not understand what was wrong and of course I was in no position to explain. Anyway fast fwd 10 years...we now have 4 children...he also has another wife ..he went back to his home country (we are muslim) and got married again... his mother forced him..apparently. He also had an affair in 2015. I'd had enough of him and his lack of compassion for me by this point so kicked him out.

I was doing really well but then had a severe bout of depression last year so he wormed his way back in as I just could not cope. I am a SAHM but am planning on going back to work once my youngest dc is at full time school. He works nights so I don't see much of him. I do everything..all the running around ..

The only reason I took him back is because of my mental health. Children need stability aswell as love and when I was ill I could not be a good mother 😢..he is there should god forbid anything happen to me..the children are happier ..and he is A good father to them..but I am lonely and unfulfilled. We sleep in separate rooms and I don't want a physical relationship with.him. But I crave love, affection and understanding from someone who truly loves ME..not someone who used me for a visa and now feels stuck because of the kids..in the same vein he wasn't to know I had Bipolar so I don't really blame him..

Last night things came to a boiling point. He insulted me in front of the children as I hadn't cleaned the kitchen 'on time '. I told him to go and bugger off as i was shattered and said id do it in my own time.
He was screaming at me and really scared me. He then called all the children into the room to tell them what their mother is 'really like 😔. I begged him not to argue in front of them but he would not listen. He insulted my parents and sibling infront of the kids and said i was mad and nobody would put up with me anyway.

Something inside me snapped. I have asked him to move out and finally made that decision...that illness or no illness.
I do not deserve this treatment. He constantly belittles me...and has.been putting me down for years.

He looked shocked when I said that enough was enough..but it is my home..i bought it years ago when i was working as an office manager. I am confident In my own abilities that I can survive and look after my children and myself. I feel relief that I've done it and am looking fwd to a life where there is no one shouting at me...and I am truly happy.

However I am scared that the children may resent me for this in the future ..i truly am. Despite everything...they love their dad and he dotes on them. AIBU to finally put myself first ?

Nope. You are most absolutely definitely not wrong. Your children willnot resent you, they will admire your stength.

Good for you! He is not a good husband and certainly not a good father either. Get rid and you’ll cope. It may be tough but it will be better without him.

Thank you so much candyflip and Angrybird x

Good for you.

You have absolutely done the right thing. The fact that he used your children in an argument against you even though he must have known it would frighten and upset them shows that he isn't to be trusted around them or you. He can still be a good dad to them even if he isn't with you - there are many divorced men who are wonderful fathers. You deserve to be happy and to prioritise your wellbeing. I hope this is the start of a wonderful new path for you

I'm so glad you asked him to leave OP 😀

Has he gone?

They won’t resent you, you’ve saved them from having to live in a dysfunctional lifestyle. Stick to your guns and goodluck 💐

Thank you. He works nights and usually comes back about 9am. I know he will be very apologetic when he comes back but I have packed his things and will have a conversation about arrangements to see the kids. Then he needs to grow up and sort himself out. I will update you as to what he does.

Last nighg after he had left....my 3 year old son said mama I want to speak to you. I said of course sweetheart what's up..he said mama I'm mad at papa..i said why...he said 😢 because he shout at you mama. I'm only mama's boy not papas boy. I was in tears and shocked that he had noticed tbh...but my children do not deserve this and neither do I.

Good for you! He sounds like a shit! You’re DC will be better off not seeing you argue/being called names etc.

Shumpalumpa he has asked for sometime to arrange somewhere new to live etc...ive given him a week. I am completely ignoring him and keeping busy with arrangements for my daughter's birthday party. I want him gone and I want to start living again for me..and my wonderful children.

Well done, OP. Don't let him try extend the week.

Will you need to change the locks?

Hello ladies I thought I'd update you all. So dp has been a complete dickhead all week - he has suddenly proclaimed poverty and stopped contributing to anything at all. I have been struggling financially and he has just been ignoring.my requests for some money twds the food shop bills etc. He has also been lazing about in bed ALL day playing games on his mobile whilst I rush to sit my final exams, drop kids off to school and run around like a crazy.mad women trying to get everything done.

Last night I had a severe headache and was also stressed as my son has a severe viral infection and has been very upset all day. I crawled into bed at 7.30 pm after he had got up and said please put the kids to bed brfore you go to work at 9 I'm shattered. I woke up at 10pm to loud shouting. The poor kids were trying to sort their own dinner out, they are 9,7,5 and 3 !! They patio doors to the garden were open and they had been running in and out of the paddling pool and the entire downstairs was covered in patches of water...omg I went mad. I quickly gave.them dinner and put them to bed then had a major meltdown. The house looks like a shit tip !! I was really panicked as a I felt like my head was going to burst. I called my sister and remember saying something like.im feeling suicidal I.just want.him out I can't cope anymore thr house is a complete mess and I'm an awful mother 😭. She put the phone down and called my dp and gave him a real piece of her mind. It took me about an hour to calm down. I was just horrified that he could leave the kids to potentially do some.serious.damage to the house or themselves - and that he is not bothered enough to look do bedtime with them when I'm obviously feeling so unwell. It's like he WANTS me to have a meltdown and have a manic episode. He has just come back from work and has said he will be gone in 2 days. He is making out like I.am completely mad and he is the same one. I feel drained. Am I a bad mother ?

Of coarse you aren't a bad mother.Keep strong an posting on here ,we will help you get through the next few days.Are the friends and family who can support you?
Make sure he gives the keys back when he goes.

You’re not a bad mother. You are doing your best in an awful situation. Stick to your guns and make sure he leaves in the 2 days. Good luck

Of course youre not. Write down in as much detail what happened in the last week. If he ever tries to get court ordered access then you can take it along.