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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about my DD Relationship

15 replies

Ilovemypantry · 27/06/2018 00:27

My DD is nearly 24yo and still lives at home.
She has been in a relationship for 2 yrs with a man who is 12 years older and has 3 children by 2 different women.
He lives with the mother of his youngest two but says it is only for convenience and financial reasons.
My daughter refers to him as her “boyfriend” but in no way do they have a normal relationship. He comes round to see her about once a week but always late (after 10pm) and they don’t go out anywhere, he stays for a couple of hours then goes home.
He doesn’t accompany her to any family events or socialise with any of her friends.
She is absolutely besotted with him and flies off the handle if I criticise their relationship.
I am so worried about her as I can see he is only using her.
I believe he is married to the woman he lives with or if not married, they are “together” but I can’t prove it.
I know she is old enough to live her own life and make her own mistakes but I just wish she would come to her senses and realise that this is not a normal relationship.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 27/06/2018 00:59

@Ilovemypantry I am so sorry for your daughter. This is so hard. But I am not sure you will convince her. I really hope he will fall out of favour and she can move on.

Just make sure she knows you are there for her and will never say I told you so (I am sure you will not).

Sammyham88 · 27/06/2018 01:25

Is there any reason for why he comes round so late? That's pretty rude in my opinion to come round at that time and leave after a few hours, if it were my home I wouldn't be happy with it.

From how defensive your daughter gets over you questioning her relationship it sounds like she's probably aware, unless she's completely oblivious, that the relationship is flawed.

Inviting him round for a family meal might be an idea, show her you're trying to accept him whilst also giving yourself chance to find out exactly what this guy is about. He definitely sounds like he's using her so I wouldn't be surprised if he makes an excuse to not attend but makes you look like the good guy and might be one way of showing her she isn't in a proper relationship, reckon with a bit of pressure this guy will soon be on his way..

If you don't want to do that then I'd try going for a coffee with DD and calmly explaining your worries to her again, she'll know you've only got her best interests at heart and it'll soon sink in.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/06/2018 01:30

I agree with sammy - invite him for a meal. Don't ask your DD to pass on a message; ask him.

He is being very rude to turn up to your home this late. I'd think exactly what you think, that he is still married. But for your DD's sake he should face up to things.

TaleasoldasTimee · 27/06/2018 05:02

Buy them a surprise gift voucher for a hotel and present it to him. See his face drop. Scumbag.

Monty27 · 27/06/2018 05:26

Thats a booty call. I despair.

Original poster

Ilovemypantry · 27/06/2018 11:01

Sammyham88

He has been invited to family things but always finds an excuse not to attend.
I agree with you about the reason DD is so defensive when challenged about the relationship....she definitely does know in her heart that things are not right. I know that other family members ( a cousin she is really close to) have tried to talk to her about it and they get the same response.
I am actually thinking of telling her that unless he comes round at a reasonable time then he is not allowed to come round at all (my house, my rules!).

OP posts:

Sammyham88 · 28/06/2018 02:59

Definitely agree on putting your foot down over when he comes around! So rude and really does make me wonder how he's getting away with it with his current living situation and he's what, 36?

I'd also, as painful as it may be, keep up the overly nice inviting attitude when he is around, guys like him will soon bolt when they think it's getting too serious.

Don't worry, hopefully he won't be in the picture much longer and your daughter will be lucky to have you there to support her.

Monty27 · 28/06/2018 03:40

I wouldn't let him over my doorstep.

KC225 · 28/06/2018 04:16

OP that is grim. I feel for you, no one wants to see their daughter being used like that. Does his 'ex' know about your daughter? I am assuming not, but if he is only there for convenience and financial then it should be OK for your daughter to call

Rather than making him the demon. Encourage your daughter to ask questions - where is this going? When will he leave? When will they set up home together? When will she meet his friends/famiky/children? I suspect the answer to the questions will be never and will send him running to the hills and back to his wife.

Good luck OP.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 28/06/2018 04:28

Step out of it mum Sorry. Your daughter is in love with a married man. Just pray she doesn't get pregnant and wakes up to this sooner. It's the age. Many fall in love with rotters around this time. Hopefully she will get a hobby, like crossfit and meets someone hotter with no kids.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/06/2018 04:38

Ick.
Sounds like she's his "bit on the side".
Totally understand your concerns and I wouldn't be happy either but it's HER decision and life to mess up, sadly.
All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 28/06/2018 05:06

I would feel the same as you, but wouldn't let him in the house at that time.

Your DD has wasted two years on this waste of space?

Is he polite to you? Does he engage in chit chat, or are they off on their own the minute he walks through the door?

I think I'd say "Oh, hi, come on through & have a glass of wine/cup of tea"

Then I'd ask him how his kids are, take an uncomfortable interest in them & his situation...

How old are they?
What are their names?
Which school do they attend?
Do they enjoy school?
Do they have any hobbies?
Who do they take after..you or their mums?
OOh show us some photos!

Followed by selection from the following...
It must be so difficult having to live with your ex when you're separated...
How long is it you've been separated now?
So what are your plans....is the house on the market?

Do you get on with the two mothers of your children?

Be really nosey, all with a friendly, smiley disposition. He will squirm.

If your daughter kicks off, I'd point out those are completely normal questions to ask, and it's weird not to know all that stuff when you've been "boyfriend & girlfriend" for 2 years!

Basically, I'd want him to realise that coming to your house is not worth the hassle of you being on his case, making him feel uncomfortable.

emmyrose2000 · 28/06/2018 08:21

He lives with the mother of his youngest two but says it is only for convenience and financial reasons

I can't believe your daughter has fallen for this. For all intents and purposes he's in a relationship with the mother of his children, and your daughter is the other woman. She needs to examine why she's happy with this status quo.

Original poster

Ilovemypantry · 03/07/2018 17:36

Thank you for all your helpful comments x

OP posts:

Hellywelly10 · 03/07/2018 17:39

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