AIBU to try to restrict 11yo DD's phone use?

[Daddyjammy]

11yo DD had a "brick" phone to allow us to have emergency contact with her walking to and from school which we thought was reasonable at primary school. However, she was getting teased for not having a flash phone so we've now given her an old iPhone but with same restriction on what she's allowed to use it for (No social media, no internet access, no games, no use at table etc. although we do let her take photos, videos to share with us).
She's still getting enormous peer pressure, though, to chat, play games, musical.ly, use our Facebook account etc.).
For goodness sake, she's 11! What are other parents thinking with all the free rein given to their kids. She's been shown horror movie trailers on their phones, which give her nightmares.
AIBU to keep her out of this and risk friends thinking she's weird and controlled? Anyone got any tips to support?

Better to teach her safe use of her phone (if she's being shown something inappropriate, then she needs to be able to say "no", for example) that making it something forbidden and therefore desirable. She also needs to know when she needs to talk to an adult about what happening (horror movies may fall into this bracket).

At secondary school, not having a smartphone will seriously limit her socially - a lot of socialising is via things like WhatsApp (also good for asking "what on earth is the history homework?" so she will be out of the loop without one. Plus many schools allow for example the DC to take photos and to use phone apps during lessons (maybe check what the school she is going to expects)?

What's wrong with playing games? Agree that they will all have WhatsApp for socialising and useful for school stuff.

My son is 12, he smashed his last phone so I've given him my last iPhone now I've upgraded.
He is allowed to access the internet, he loves watching scooting videos. He's also allowed to play games and although he's technically a few months off social media age, I've allowed him to have Instagram and messaging apps so he can chat to friends when he's not in school.

His school have had regular workshops on internet use and we've reinforced it. Being at secondary school and not having a phone to keep in touch with friends is going to isolate them.

I used the BT home phone at that age, kids today use messaging apps, especially the group chats.

DD is 11 and has had an old iPhone since she was 7.

She uses it to take pictures, chat to family on messages and plays games (she loves a couple of colouring apps, plays a couple of Diner Dash type games and enjoys puzzles).

She knows she isn't allowed social media until she is the relevant age and is dealing well with the pressure. Some of her friends on school are on it and she just says "yeah, not interested in that".

I think it is far more important to teach safe use of a phone than restrict other than reasonable not whilst eating etc.

At 11, I'd be increasing the freedom in a controlled way and teaching her about the dangers eg let her use WhatsApp but only with people who are friends and on the proviso that if she was bullied she has to speak to you about it, reserve the right to spot check etc. Teach her that stranger danger applies online too. I don't see the problem with games but agree with you that she should wait until 13 to use social media. There's an age limit in place for a reason.

Hmmm. Still unsure about all of this. What's wrong with games is they're addictive and just think kids (and me) are spending way too much time staring at screens rather than genuinely socialising, running around and, you know, playing. Are we seen as dinosaurs for this? Also we have done very good education on social media, cyber bullying etc. and DD does report it to us but it doesn't necessarily stop it happening. She's very sensitive and short of confidence and this really affects her. And finally 9yo DS would get insanely jealous if we let her play non stop.
Making us feel like moving abroad as we seem so out of kilter with society here.

What's wrong with games is they're addictive and just think kids (and me) are spending way too much time staring at screens rather than genuinely socialising, running around and, you know, playing

Then there’s your issue. Ensure she is fully balanced. But stop worrying about how others parent. That’s not your job. Worry about what you can control.

completely with you OP. children shouldn't have unsupervised access to the internet full stop. my nearly 7 dd is the only one of her classmates to not have ipads etc but I won't have it in the house. they get hooked on the games and children seem incapable of actually amusing themselves without them and they don't learn to interact properly in a social setting.

@Orlandointhewilderness

Making sweeping statements isn’t facts. Of course there are children who will get addicted to technology. But there are many others who use it as part of a perfectly rounded lifestyle

Have a curfew on phone use - eg by 8 pm it has to be in the kitchen, and stay there overnight.

If/when she gets social media, watch who she follows. I am so tired of talking to teenage girls who believe they are repulsive because they follow vapid idiots on Insta.

It's easier to start off strict and then lighten up than the other way round.

You can lock down an iPhone.
My dd has internet access and a few games.
Nothing over the 9+ rating to start with.
No WhatsApp- that is 16+ and we’re not at the point of wanting it yet.

Only a few friends have her number and they know she doesn’t have access to it after 8pm.

You can set the restriction password to something only you know.

A bit of freedom to earn your trust.
Talk through each game they want to have and do some research.
Word with friends can be used to message privately for example. Music.ly has a really bad rep for bullying etc.

Release the apron strings and allow them to earn trust but slowly.

JacquesHammer am only worried about how others parent when it directly affects my family. If they're allowing unfettered access to internet, watching cert 15 films at home and then causing her to receive low level bullying because her parents are seen as "controlling" then I do see it as my concern.
I accept points about homework etc at secondary but how do you ensure that you draw the line between that and the "omg did you see how awful x's new haircut looks, isn't she a dork?" conversations? Too much pressure, too young on kids IMO today

I’m with you. A basic brick is fine for a few years yet. No need whatsoever for gaming at 11.

shame that sxhools allow bullying over who has the biggest, most fragile, most power hungry and shortest lived piece of crap tech.

should not that be addressed?

If they're allowing unfettered access to internet, watching cert 15 films at home and then causing her to receive low level bullying because her parents are seen as "controlling" then I do see it as my concern

Then take it up with the school. The point remains you cannot control how others parent.

So you either stick to your guns and deal with it with the school or start allowing her more freedom. Neither way is wrong of course.

@Screaminginsideme made an excellent list of suggestions. In addition we have DD’s phone set up so anything she wants to get through AppStore requires permission from us.

I had a parent at school complain to me that I was giving her child unfair expectations when DD got her phone. Seriously ridiculous.

I think 11 is probably the best time to teach her how to balance the online world with the real world. Young enough that you can enforce strict boundaries, old enough for sensible chats on the potential dangers.

Whatever you end up allowing, make sure she knows that you can ask at any time to check the phone, know all passwords, and its turned off at X time plus during dinner and homework time.

Try letting her have instagram on condition she has it set to private, only allows access to people she knows, and lets you follow her too. See how she gets on with that then progress to something else.

Games are good!! I play ranch rush, aquavias and settlers of catan on mine, none of which are played with anyone else online.

There's a couple of parenting apps that are really good where you can monitor their usage, block certain apps and assign time limits.
My Mum does this for my 11 year old sister good job too as little sis was using Snapchat and lying about it.

might be a sweeping statement but personally it is how I feel about it. That is MY opinion.

they get hooked on the games and children seem incapable of actually amusing themselves without them and they don't learn to interact properly in a social setting

My mum used to say that about me and my excessive reading habit back in the 60s.

Ha! I'm suspect you are right nanny0gg (love the username btw) but I can't bring myself to compare the two! I don't know why, but there is something about children on technology outside of an educational setting that I find disturbing. Plus unfettered access to the internet scares me, but I suspect that is something to do with the horrendous bullying I suffered at school. I suspect if it was like it is now with social media and no escape then I wouldn't have come out of it at all. The thought that you could come home to a safe place and they can still get you is terrifying. But I'm aware that is my hang up.