Am I the evil villain in the woolly family play?

[woolythoughts]

Apologies that this is more epic saga than short story - trying to make sure everything is Included with no drip feed.

The cast:

Me - only child who works freelance in IT. Lives several hundred miles away from family but recently staying with DM a lot as DM about to have surgeries and DM lives close to current client.

DM - 74 and widowed for 12 years and disable but manages mostly non her own. Didn’t know anything about computers or tech until dad died and had to learn.

Aunt - 80 year old aunt who is bullied by her husband. Has children of her own one of whom is a very senior fd.

Uncle - 85 year old husband to aunt. Insists on his food being cut up for him and will not engage with technology. Thinks everything should be done manually.

MrD - actually 74 year old other uncle but walking disaster and breaks everything he touches. The only man I know to break 8 printers in five years.

The scene: since dad dies I have no issues with helped my my mother out. I do get increasingly annoyed at being volunteered to be the woolly family technical support line.

The plot: MrD breaks everything. He borrows hoovers and sucks up stuff that shouldn’t be sucked up so breaks them. He is just a disaster. He crashed an iPad so it had to be rebuilt. We keep telling mother that she is not to let him near anything. Nothing.

Four weeks ago he broke another printer so came flying down to mothers to use hers. And broke hers - print head problems. As she is disabled she wasn’t with him so. Any vouch for what he did and he claims he used it properly. I do not believe him. I replaced mothers printer and said that if he ever was let Newark anything ever again I was not getting involved.

Roll on to this weekend. DM, aunt, uncle and mr D regularly go out for meals which they book using groupon etc. Turns are taken to pay except when it’s aunt and uncles turn to pay. Uncle will not allow aunt to buy anything online and normally what happpens is dm or mr d book and they give him the money. This time mr d insisted aunt book it so used my dms iPad to book it using aunts account.

I have no idea what he did or how but somehow he’s managed to lock aunt out of her email account and she hasn’t got he password (because uncle won’t let her use passwords) nor has she acces to the recovery email account. In other words she stuffed.

The problem: Sunday night I’m watching a movie st home when I get a call from DM. Could I help aunt out trying to get into her email. I said no, I was watching a movie.

Queue the emotional blackmail “could you just give her a little tinkle on the phone as it would help calm her nerves as uncle is kicking off.

So I did. An hour an a half later I got off the phone after trying g to explain in 19 different ways she could. It recover her email without either he password or the recovery email account.

I was livid. Told dm that I wasn’t technical support and I’d already said I wasn’t fixing any of MrD?s messes and it was their own fault. Asked why couldn’t aunt get her son to help her, why is it always me that has to be volunteered to help. Got told that he has five kids and is manic getting them ready for school week - implication being because I don’t have kids my time isn’t important. She denies she meant that but that is how it reads to me.

Yesterday was on way to mothers when I eat told MrD needs help with his sky - he can find the programs he wants on demand coils I call him when I get there to help him. I said I wasn’t sky support and maybe he should call them.

DH speaks to DM in be mean time and reiterates my point I am not tech support and am getting sick of it.

I got told my dad would be rolling in his grave as he would do anything to help anyone.

My point is, I will and I have but if they keep letting MrD break things I do t have to keep fixing it.

And if you’ve got to the end of all that- am I being unreasonable for finally reaching breaking point?

It sounds like a nightmare but it is a common scenario for elderly siblings to live in a little bubble, with their spouses, and not realise how much they are leaning on the generation beneath them for support to maintain their illusion of independence.

Ask your mum to stop volunteering you for helping fix everyone's tech. The more often you decline (because of x y z excuse) the less you'll be the first port of call.

I feel your pain - I am also chief troubleshooter for our family (without a MrD) and it gets old very fast with the smae issues over and over again as they never learn

I have told her to stop volunteering mez.

I get told to “oh shut up” I a comedic voice or the latest that my dad would be rolling in his grave.

In future say ‘I haven’t dealt with (that exact scenario) before. You should probably call (sky/apple/someone that isn’t me) because I don’t know what to do’.

It took a few attempts but it did sink in eventually.

I have an elderly mother who knows bugger all about any of the tech in her house.

She uses the laptop but is VERY wary of it.

She has freeview TV and struggles every single time they change all the bloody channel numbers over and saying she has to do it every time there's a storm

She won't have Sky ect. because she doesn't understand it.

She only recently accepted that you can't easily buy blank DVDs any more.

She keeps her mobile phone in the bread bin and hasn't turned it on since 2012.

DH is the go to for tech support here. (Drives him up the bloody wall but he does it with good grace) She won't listen, take advice learn or change her habits now.

Use that line back to them.

Yes. Dad WOULD be rolling in his grave at how his only daughter is repeatedly ignored and used!

See how that sits with them!

Yes, being tech support for elderly relatives is a real pain. Sil used to phone dh to tell him to drive over to mil’s care home to plug her iPad in to charge, increase the volume, un-mute it and re-boot it. He was so sick as we’re very busy and these were all things the staff could easily have done.

The illusion of independence is the truest phrase ever.

You’ll have to put your foot down I’m afraid.

Work out how much you would charge a client and explain to your mum that this is causing you to dedicate time you could spend in paid work on Mr D's mess ups. So you will be generous and charge home family rates to fix...?

I don't think yabu, but I doubt your family will change unless you start answering the phone and telling them you're just in the middle of paid work so you will sort it when you have a free period, which might not be for a few days/weeks as you choose.

Uncreative - In future say ‘I haven’t dealt with (that exact scenario) before. You should probably call (sky/apple/someone that isn’t me) because I don’t know what to do’.

Yep do this.

I do it. It sounds bad but there's no arguing with it. If they don't know how to fix it they can't know for sure that you do.

In my mother's case she has a 'little man in the village' who comes in and 'does' her laptop. He's a bloody maniac though IMO and puts all kinds of fire walls, blocks, passwords and security and weird stuff on there to protect her but half the time she can't then use the damn thing! She won't have a word said against him though and lets him do as he pleases with it. Then there's me who gets by with my own stuff in my own way and I have no idea how to deal with how he's set this thing up for up - but she thinks everyone's laptops/i pads are the same and just doesn't get it when i can't help her! AARRRRGGGGHHHH!

sorry. rant over.

Why have you not learned the art of being helpless in a given scenario. Just say: I would but that's not something I know anything about. Sorry. Learn not to know anyhting about a given type of TV/laptop etc. Admit to specialism only in a tiny area. Be very vague and woolly and helpless three times. They stop asking then. My mother used to be on the phone all the time to be continually told that the undo arrow would undo whatever weird thing she'd done to the newsletter she wrote. That's their generation. We'll be equally baffled by something in time.

I'm "tech support" in my family, and tbh I don't really mind at all. I have a cast of 6 on my side and 14 on DH's side. Half an hour on the phone is taking the piss a bit though and I'm fortunate that I don't have a "MrD".

Whether you're the evil villain or not? I'm on the fence a bit tbh, it's not your aunt's fault if MrD broke something and how do you say "No you can't touch my stuff 'cause Wooly says you can't and you break it" without sounding like a six year old.

I agree it is a bit difficult for your DM to tell MrD not to touch her stuff - I think maybe you should do that on her behalf.

I am in my 60s and use a local guy for my pc woes - although I do sometimes ask my son, who wouldn't claim to be a tech at all. I think the idea from the pp about saying you don't know about that particular problem and directing them elsewhere - just calmly but consistently - is your best way forward.

The bit about your DF is just emotional blackmail and you should call her out on it.

I use firefox and don't know how other browsers work, but in firefox the password will be stored under Privacy & Security. If IE works the same way it could be worth checking JUST THIS ONCE, then telling everyone to keep MrD away from all tech stuff. Why is he doing it, anyway, if he keeps breaking things?

TBH I don't understand how 'uncle won’t let her use passwords'. How exactly does that work?

At least they are trying. My mother (80) won't touch a computer-so she asks for things she needs from my Sister and I to buy over internet. We get said item...she sends...a cheque.

how do you say "No you can't touch my stuff 'cause Wooly says you can't and you break it" without sounding like a six year old
That's a good point.
OP you're wanting to move the confrontation away from you by putting it on your other relatives. So they have to challenge MrD because you won't just say 'no I can't do that'.
I understand your frustration but you need to decide if you want to be tech support or not. You can't decide to ban MrD from the rest of the family's IT.

I would say, "Have you got a pen handy? Yes? Right.... You need to call this number immediately. It's very important." and give them the number for whatever tech support they need then hang up.

You actually get told to 'oh shut up?'

if anyone ever, ever said that to me, the phone would go straight down and that would be that until I got an apology.

I suggest you do the same.

My ancient mother, who is definitely not demented but can't be bothered to try something, lives in a lovely care home. She listens to one of two radio stations. For which she needs two radios because she can't be bothered to learn how to switch stations. I have shown her countless times. I have also pointed out that she can get both stations on the tv. "It's not the same". Ffs!

I feel for you wooly. DH calls himself 12K Support as he’s expected to do IT support for family from 12,000 miles away. There’s a reason for that 12,000 miles.

OMG @Laiste my gran has a "helpful friend" that does this! The screen on her laptop broke and he told her to buy a new one, AND SHE DID!

Not only do I get told to shut up I get “your the youngest in the family”

I’m 42

So whilst technically true it stopped being relevant years ago

I agree OP has an unacceptable burden, but I'm saddened by the lack of sympathy from some posters on the problems faced by people who are losing touch with the increasing pace of technological change. There comes a point in life when you stop chasing after every new thing as it comes out, then you realise that the way you've always done things is now in a minority and is being withdrawn, and you have to make a huge catch-up.

Even if you don't have dementia, your short term memory declines with age; multiple passwords, pin nos are a problem. And in a way it's more confusing to learn new ways to do things if you've already learnt so many ways of doing it simply because you've been around such a long time. (I've seen the demise of paper tape and magnetic tape, and remember when floppy discs were a wonderful new invention)

So older people are faced with both a huge change from the world they grew up in and an increasing requirement for passwords, account nos, pin nos, while their ability to handle these things is declining. Simultaneously, no one wants to admit even to themselves that they are a "burden" and no longer have a useful function to anyone - so what presents as "can't be bothered" or "refusing to change" may mask a complex mixture of bewilderment and fear of declining abilities.

Find a local IT support bod and get them to pay for help.