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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at hubby for taking 'my thing'

45 replies

raysan1 · 25/06/2018 22:55

This might sound petty but when we moved house, i found somewhere with a nice, family-friendly local pub where we could pop round casually a couple of times a week, meet people and generally have a laugh. It was part of my dream but not OH's and he refuses to come 90% of the time i ask him.

The stinger comes when his best mate visits, they head straight to my local and have that life I wanted (but OH did not want). I am expressly not welcome. And he comes home and tells me what a good time they had... with a tone (i swear) as if he thinks it will make me happy. Obvs makes it 100x worse!!

Reason i might be unreasonable is that i have plenty of friends and opportunities to be centre of attention where it's like a rare treat for him.... if only it was something different like football or darts or painting by numbers that i don't care about!!
I did tell him how i feel, so took me out for dinner. Just us. By ourselves. It was nice but cemented the fact i am not welcome with him at the pub.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/06/2018 23:44

I am expressly not welcome

Ring your friend up and go anyway.

And dump the husband.

FlyingDandelionSeed · 25/06/2018 23:45

So...basically, sometimes you go to the pub with your mates but not your OH, and sometimes your OH goes to the pub with his mate but not you?

I'm really struggling to see the problem here

Confused the problem is the OP would like to go to the pub with her OH!

I would be very unhappy if my DH only wanted to go out to the pub with his mate and not with me OP, and even worse that he comes back and tells you how great it was without you. Talk about running it in.

Yanbu, and previous posts who say they would be happy with this presumably don't like their OHs very much!

Knittedfairies · 25/06/2018 23:49

Your husband doesn’t get to decide who goes to the pub though, so he can’t ‘invite’ you. Go with your friend and enjoy yourself!

steff13 · 25/06/2018 23:49

But she says he refuses 90% of the time. That means he goes 10% of the time. So he's not refusing all the time, just most of the time.

HollowTalk · 25/06/2018 23:52

You know, you don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who's proven himself to be a selfish bastard.

You have one life. Think about it seriously. Do you want to spend it with him?

Dibbosteme · 25/06/2018 23:58

It almost sounds as if he is saying "look I do have friends of my own see, not a total introvert". My husband was always very keen on outings to a local pub when our kids were young, but I genuinely liked some time to myself after they had gone to bed at night. We did not find getting babysitters easy, yet he often said I was introverted because I liked a bit of peace and quiet after work. I preferred to save the money wasted in the Pub and have a really nice meal out now and again or buy theatre tickets.

Why not get your coat and go anyway, when he is out with his mate. Talk to other people and socialise as you usually do. Introduce him to your pals and make him feel part of the group if he is up for this. Otherwise leave him to chat with his mate and get on with what you usually do.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/06/2018 00:05

He goes several times a week with his friend?

Fabricwitch · 26/06/2018 00:09

I don't see the problem.
If I want to do something and my husband takes inspiration from me and does that thing with his friend and they have a good time, of course I'd want him to tell me and hear about it and be happy for him because I love him and want him to have a good life.
If it was something I hadn't done yet, I might start onto him about bringing me, but the OP goes to the pub all the time with her friends.
Presumably you spend time doing other things with your husband OP? If not then that's a problem.

GunpowderGelatine · 26/06/2018 00:11

So his mate visited, they went to the pub just them two (fair enough why do you have to be there?), you got stroppy so he took you out for a meal?

Sorry what's actually the problem here other than you ?

Candyflip · 26/06/2018 00:18

Work sleeping and it is work that stops me going as much as I would like!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 26/06/2018 00:22

I get you OP, I’d be annoyed too. If he never wants to go out with, but does with his mate. It would also be nice for to be able to gain more friends as a couple in the local, rather than separately.

CoughLaughFart · 26/06/2018 00:33

I’d assumed it was a one-off with his visiting mate - in which case it was completely understandable. However, if he’s say it’s not his thing when you invite him, but goes with others, I’d wonder why.

AmazingPostVoices · 26/06/2018 01:32

previous posts who say they would be happy with this presumably don't like their OHs very much!

I adore my DH Flying and enjoy going out with him but I have no interest in going to the pub twice a week.

I would go with my best mate occasionally if they were visiting though.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 26/06/2018 07:19

Why on earth do you want to go and sit in a pub with your husband? What can you do there that you cant do at home? Astonishing

Shumpalumpa · 26/06/2018 07:26

So he likes going out without you and rubs your face in it and is selfish.

What are his good points?

Go to the pub with a friend when he is there and ignore the fucker.

Go out with your friends and rub his nose in it. He resents you.

Quartz2208 · 26/06/2018 07:29

the problem I think is he will go with his best friend but not with you

LakieLady · 26/06/2018 07:33

What, I don't see what's weird about it. I love going to the pub with DP, it's a change of scene, it feels like a date, we chat in a more meaningful way than we do at home, because we don't have the distraction of chores, tv, internet etc, we often meet people who are interesting and/or amusing, and we get to drink really nice beer.

What's not to like?

LemonysSnicket · 26/06/2018 09:36

I don't think the pub is a hobby tbh

lottiegarbanzo · 26/06/2018 10:52

I do get your point OP. You had a vision of how you wanted life to be, with him, in this new home. He was less keen on this aspect but willing to go along with you sometimes. Now he's taken it 'for himself' and excluded you.

You wanted to be occasional 'regulars' at the pub, use it as a way of getting to know people locally and becoming part of the local community. That is really normal. It's a really normal thing for couples to do - or for men alone, or with friends or casual acquaintances. Less so for lone women, even now.

So now you feel he's settling into the community, having fun, getting to know people - and doesn't want you to be part ot that. He wants to get to know people and be known as 'Pete (oh yes, I think he has a girlfriend)' not 'Pete and Pauline'. That portrays you to your new neighbours and potential friends as less sociable than you are and less of a couple than you want to be.

Original poster
raysan1 · 26/06/2018 20:36

Yes! I want to be Pete and Pauline, not the unsociable other half! Haha
Really calmed me down, this has.
Also reminded me that he has never wanted 'joint friends'. A lot of my mates don't want that with their partner either so i can understand. He is very loving and attentive when we are home. And hilarious.

I might just find another 'thing' till this blows over. I'm thinking something like indoor climbing or skiing.

OP posts:
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