Daughter going through my stuff

[AllCleverAndThat]

My 14yo dd (only child) is home alone until around 6 after school. I remarried around 7 years ago(in case that’s relevant and so as not to drip). She is always in our room when I’m at work. I’ve hidden my vibrator in a suitcase and sex books in with old clothes but I’m concerned about her finding adult things. She claims not to but it is clear things have been moved and she has form for doing that. We have a latch lock on the inside (as even at 9, 10) she was still coming into our room without knocking. Replacing the lock for one that locks inside and out seems to be taking it too far.

Any suggestions?

Leave a note?

"Darling, whilst you are in my boudoir can you give mummy's dildo a quick rinse"

I think mine was a combination of The Joy Of Sex, Riders and Lace.

Is it any wonder I'm rubbish in bed!

'A quick rinse'

If ever there were three words to kill any notion of passion - those are they!

I remember snooping in my dad's room as a teen and finding the business card of a prostitute!! I was mortified. (He was single at the time). I remember telling my aunt about it and she just said "well what do you expect him to do, men can't go without sex." I just sort of accepted it after that.

many many moons ago (!!!)my mum left me alone at home when I was about that age & I got into my sisters room & started reading her books....it was really funny because my mothers was horrified I might be reading James Bond (I old you it was long ago!) when actually I was reading my sisters Harold Robbins (ie his method of writing was "its getting a bit boring let throw in some sex") & her ww2 novels - which were pretty bad - seriously do you think your daughter has read these books at school - I am sure these kind of sex books have been handed round (they certainly were at my (convent) school! decades ago!

Why is she going into your room all the time? If she’s home alone til 6pm every day after school my guess is she’s bored and lonely. So i’d try to address that. If she’s got more interesting things to do she won’t be wanting to go through your stuff. Can she have friends over/go to friends houses? Is there a hobby you can encourage her to spend time doing?

My strait laced Mother bought a record (yep a record) about the facts of life and relationships to be played as a Facts of Life tool. I found it hidden and played it. She never did have the courage to play it to me.

Put a gimp mask, some sturdy hiking boots, a snorkel and a multipack of tinned custard all in the same drawer.

I wouldn’t like the fact that she questions you about things she has seen/read whilst snooping.
This is showing she has no respect for your privacy.
Get a lock on your door and tell her why. It’s because you cannot trust her. She has broken that trust.
But you need to find out why she is snooping and whyshe feels the need to question you on things which are none of her business.

But I would have a lock on that door pronto.

checkingforballoons

Put a gimp mask, some sturdy hiking boots, a snorkel and a multipack of tinned custard all in the same drawer.

OK, that's way too close for comfort.
Have we met?

put a lock on your door. You deserve privacy

You could buy a safe or lockable box like below

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01MYTE9QG/?th=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it&coliid=I2PTGST9X2SBSC&tag=mumsnetforum-21&colid=1J58KL98BIO72

www.amazon.co.uk/EVERTOP-Household-Multifunctional-Compartments-Organiser/dp/B01M6632I1/ref=pd_sim_201_1?psc=1&pf_rd_t=40701&pd_rd_i=B01M6632I1&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_p=3274180622111699416&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=6Fojx&pf_rd_r=WQMMC07N8M4JAX4VTYHH&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pd_rd_w=nUZGC&tag=mumsnetforum-21&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&refRID=WQMMC07N8M4JAX4VTYHH&pd_rd_r=c2897a0f-78c5-11e8-915c-7f21dda740fd

Or something like this for private documents

www.amazon.co.uk/Plastic-Storage-Organizer-Lockable-Blue-A2/dp/B071YLGWW8/ref=sr_1_22?s=kitchen&keywords=Lockable%2Bstorage%2Bbox&th=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1529965320&sr=1-22

However, I would look into the cost of a lock (with key) so that you can leave your room ensuring it’s privacy.

Your dd clearly has boundary issues! She is old enough to be told that if she wants privacy then she needs to give you the same curtesy! I would tell her that if you catch her in your room again, you will remove her phone and social media privileges. You will read all of her private messages/ you will thoroughly search her room/ read her diary! (Whatever you think will be most effective) If she continues to show no respect for your privacy then you remove her bedroom door (if possible) and put a lock on the outside of your bedroom door.

Alternatively, if your dd has younger siblings that she doesn’t allow in her room, you could say that if she refuses to respect your privacy then you won’t enforce her privacy.

If your dd is choosing to use your room in order to borrow makeup/ clothes. Could you say that if she asks beforehand to borrow your makeup you will happily allow that?

I agree with lentillover your DD is bored and lonely. And I'm talking from experience I used to stay at home on my own a lot and went through all boxes, shelves and drawers. Now looking back I think I just had too much free time.
By the way, locked box/suitcase sounds ok, putting a lock does look taking it too far.

I snooped a lot as a child because my parents didn’t speak to me much and I felt left out of things. It gave me feelings of inclusion and control. I was also very bored a lot of the time and snooping was possible and interesting.

I agree that you should keep anything you don’t want her to see under lock and key. If she asks about something she discovered while snooping tell her that it is adult stuff and not her concern (it’s annoying but true).

I would sit her down and tell her the next time she is found snooping that there will be a punishment.

Maybe take off her bedroom door... That punishment always worked for me when I had misbehaved.

I would get a chest or lock box for those things.

As a teen I went to my friend's house with our other friends and she showed us her mums collection and was throwing them at us etc... Yuk.

Kill the curiosity by giving her all the details if you think she is ready?

I agree with others that she is bored and lonely and maybe feeling a bit left out and curious about your relationship. Do you have a set time during the week when just you and her can talk about stuff? Me and my DD go for bus rides/long walks at the weekends, and we talk for hours about nothing much/everything.

Thanks for all the answers. That’s a lot to think about. She does sports on one day till around 5 and one evening at 7 I take her to a club but I admit boredom must be a factor.

We have an app that gives us control of her phone so she can’t browse the web and as she is a child we DO periodically do spot checks on her messages. We have blocked Instagram and Snapchat. We are doing it because she is a child and as parents our role is to protect her but she does see it as overly restrictive. That could also explain why she feels free to snoop on us.

I guess in her mind, if you can go through her stuff, she can go through yours. Maybe just talk to her about it, explain that you are protecting her by checking up on her online. It sounds to me like she might also be feeling a bit aggrieved. Good luck OP!

Just get a lock for your bedroom door, and tell her it is because she has been snooping, using your make up and reading your mail.
No need for any angst about it, you;ve asked her to stop, she hasn't. So you've got every right to move onto a physical barrier because appealing to her better nature hasn't worked.

Make sure you afford her privacy in her own room though - I always knocked on my children's doors and waited to be invited in, and I would never have gone through their stuff or snooped while they were out. Everyone needs a safe haven that they know no one is going to invade.

Once she's a couple of years older she'll understand that, and be more respectful of your privacy. She's at a bit of a cross over age between child and teen - she's probably not yet too bothered about you going in her room and not old enough to understand the sort of things you may want to keep private (at least not understand in anything other than a 'my parents have sex, that's gross' way)

Oops- misread her age as 13 - but I don;t think it alters what I've said - just hopefully means she'll grow out of it quicker.

AllCleverAndThat

"She also reads paperwork ‘why did uncle Ben ask for a loan?’. As much as it’s discussed it has no effect ."

"Replacing the lock for one that locks inside and out seems to be taking it too far."

It's not taking it too far in your case, buy the lock, discussion over with her.

You seem a bit hasrsh with blocking social media apps. I think that is actually to her detriment - most 14 year olds would be socialising online after school or arranging to meet up via apps. Is there a wider reason that you don't trust her to self-monitor more?

Changing topic somewhat - Your DD is 14 and you block her from using modes of communication normal for her age. You can use Instagram and snap chat from age 13 My DD is the same age and uses them all to communicate with her friends. Most of that generation don’t use the phone to call but do group chats etc to make arrangements. You are preventing her from engaging with most half her peers. As for going into your things , hmm that’s kind of normal. I did and my DD does too. She likes looking at my jewellery and wearing my shoes. I really don’t mind as long as she doesn’t take something out of my room.

I would let her use social media but maybe put a time limit on it and ask her politely not to go into your room to go through your private things and lock any personal papers about other people away. I'd keep a personal locked box in the wardrobe or under the bed for now, bit of a passion killer, until she stops looking through your stuff.