In thinking my friend no longer likes me

[Defrump]

Hello I'm not new but this is a specific issue I don't want identifying in RL.

I have been friends with this woman for around 16 years.

But lately I'm finding her difficult to be around. The last time I met her for coffee I came away feeling stupid and weird and I don't know why.

She's turned 50 and upped the glam. She looks fab, she's attractive anyway BUT she needs constant and I mean constant admiration. At the cafe she walked in in sunglasses and stood by the door as if waiting for applause, she spent ages talking to male staff and then finally came to me. The conversation was all about every social thing she had done and all the compliments and guys who chatted her up. I find it draining. We used to take turns paying but now she expects me to pay every time. She talks about guys taking her out to fancy places. I'm depressed and dressed in rags. Im finding it off putting then I feel guilty because once we get past the showing off we have a laugh though she never asks how I am. I feel like having a makeover and dazzling her into submission but that's not right.
I miss how we were before she became completely self obsessed.
I feel bullied into giving her compliments and cooing over her and I don't know why! And then I'm resentful.
Can this friendship be saved?
I'm not perfect I've been sad for a while but I do feel a bit used now and that she doesn't like me much.

Please give me advice wise women.

Ditch her and move on with your life.
( sounds as if she is going through a bit of a late mid life crisis!!)

Just put an end to going out with her.

You should never come away from an encounter with a friend feeling worthless.

If you aren't of the can't beat em join em brigade I would bow gracefully away.
Her age is obviously a sore point so she has gone all out to disguise it!!
And it's def her not you to blame for the change in the friendship.
She needs groupies not friends.

I agree - life's too short to put up with a me myself and I type person.

Hope you feel better soon and yourself. Just pull away from her.

She sounds a little tone deaf, if she knows you’re experiencing depression but spends the whole time talking about her own wonderful life and doesn’t ask how you are? I’d feel a bit like my only purpose in the friendship was to be a mirror for her to admire herself.

Have you tried telling her what you’re going through emotionally atm and asking for support? A good friend would be horrified they’d totally missed the signs you were suffering and jump to be there for you. But maybe that doesn’t fit with what she wants from you. You’ll know when you bring it up.

Your post title is all about ‘I don’t think she likes me’ but your actual post, the whole thing is about how you no longer like her and who she’s turned into. Maybe this friendship has just ran its course. I’m surprised that after such a long time you’re not able to take this issue to her to talk about, why is that?

I think it's worth trying to tackle the behaviour first.

Can you order before she gets there and pay for yours? Text in advance and say you'll have to each pay your own today as money is tight? Only put in your half if you're splitting the bill. If you order at s country and she adds her order, step back and say, oh is it your turn to treat, thank you!

What does she say to bully you into complimenting her? I'd make one comment when she gets there - oh you're hair looks lovely today, I really like that dress then change the subject.

If she doesn't ask about you, tell her anyway. Wait for a pause abd say oh ive been meaning to tell you... if she interrupts let her finish the sentence and say well, anyway, as I was saying... ascend jewel doing it.

If shrew moans she's not getting x, y or z from yoi tell her directly that you love her but you feel like she's not really interested in you atm and you'd like some love back!

She's turned 50, is clerly insecure and struggling and it's made her self centred. But that doesn't mean she'll always bee like that and after all those years I'd guess she doesn't actually realise how hurt you feel

I think more accurately you no longer like your friend. Youll have to decide whether you think this is a phase you might try to endure for a while in the hope it goes away. Whether you want to try to talk to her about it. Whether you simply dont engage with what she wants. Don't compliment and raise your topics. She may then decude she no longer like you but thats life. Or just phase her out.
But be honest to yourself its about you not liking her much just now. Thats ok.

Has she shown herself to be someone who can listen and who has some insight into who you are at other times in your relationship? i.e. has the friendship been more equal at times?

I ask because one of my closer friendships went through a similar rupture. In fact, it's never restored itself because she moved away anyway, but I do miss the positive aspects of the friendship. She was a bright woman who often listened and fed back with insight.

If she's just a friend that you've had a bit of a laugh with over the years, but you have no particular reason to value her above others, it doesn't sound like it's worth what she's bringing out in you. She does sound like she's turned into a chore, though that may pass in time.

To me it sounds as if both of you have low self-esteem. She is trying to overcompensate by dressing up to the nines and you say you are dressed in rags, why?

Thank you that's helpful. Of course I still like her otherwise I wouldn't be angsty I would write off the friendship. But yes I feel like she doesn't like me. It used to be totally equal and honest and she's always liked looking nice which is fine but it seems to have become all important.

Make some new friends to go out with for now and be busy when she calls. A little time and distance may make things clearer on both sides. Certainly don't feel forced to pay though, just tell her what her share is.

It sounds as though the friendship has run its course for both of you. I wouldn't consider someone who bad mouths me behind my back a friend.

I wouldn't go out with someone I thought didn't like me - why would you, really?

She sounds like she's using you to boost her self-esteem and get herself a free lunch/drink while she's at it. Horrible.

I just wouldn't be free to see her again.

Some people want friends. Some people want audience members.

This person is the latter. Up to you if you want to put up with it, or distance yourself.

But isn't the issue that, as a pp said, that you no longer like her? For perfectly understandable reasons she sounds like a self-obsessed vacuous bore. Why the focus on whether or not she still likes you? It sounds as if that's entirely irrelevant, anyway her love affair, which does suggest anxiety about ageing, or something, seems to be entirely with herself, and you're just the audience.

On the other hand, you present yourself as entirely passive in the encounters. No one can make you pay them compliments, or pay for their coffee, you know, just as no one can make you meet her. If the friendship is no longer working for you, and it clearly isn't if each meeting leaves you feel awful and resentful, then end it.

I don't like the behaviour, no, I find it off putting but she has some nice qualities and it's a 16 year friendship I'm reluctant to throw away. Maybe I should leave it a while and when I'm in a better place myself try to rebuild bridges. I miss our old chats and I think of her loads.

I think in addition to my earlier point about tackling each behaviour as it occurs, its also worth thinking about your own sense of worth.
If my friend is going through an ego stage I assume it's about her not me. You clearly aren't in a great place ascend you need to tackle that with the people best placed to help you

Are you being treated for your depression?

I ask as I think if you were in a better place maybe you’d be more likely to laugh it off/rib her a bit about her vanity, and pull the conversation back round to you. But if you’re depressed you probably compare yourself to her and despair, and don’t feel worth enough to demand equal attention in the conversation.

I think the reason you're finding this so hard to cope with is because you're depressed at the moment. Pulling back from this friendship is a very good idea, it would be a shame to burn your bridges as you clearly value her as a friend.

You might find, however, that you don't miss her at all, that's how you'll know whether you still want her in your life. It's possible to just stay friends out of habit, not because they enrich your life, which is what a friend is supposed to do.

Why are you paying for her coffees every time? Just order your and pay at the till.

We used to take turns paying but now she expects me to pay every time

What do you mean, she expects you? Does she tell you beforehand that she expects you to pay? What do you say? Does she spring it on you when you're out? What happens when this occurs? If you have been blunt and told her she's either not understanding or purposefully ignoring. It sounds like you need to take charge of the situation and not allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

I miss our old chats and I think of her loads.

It just sounds rather as if you're missing a person who no longer exists, OP.

I have had a lot of counselling but no meds. I might be being too sensitive though so I will try again and if I still feel a bit crap afterwards I will definitely know the friendship has run its course. Thanks.

I would start setting some boundaries the next time you meet her.

You paid last time (and by the sounds of it the time before and...) - stop that. No need to say anything, if she doesn't offer to pay then just pay for your own.

Think through a few topics that you would like to talk about before you go and gently steer onto one of those if she starts on a long monologue about how great she is. Talk about yourself without the prompt of being asked how you are - see how she reacts. Try not giving her any compliments next time.

If doing that doesn't work then I would distance yourself for a while at least - it does sound draining. I can't imagine that many other people would tolerate it for too long either.