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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit ‘past it’ and unattractive at 45

20 replies

Bonjourmonami73 · 24/06/2018 18:32

I’m in a very unhappy relationship and in an ideal scenario would leave my partner but have 2 kids and it would devastate them. Feel very trapped.
But also feel old and tired and worn out and unattractive. I try to wear nice clothes and have nice hair and makeup.
I think that even if I did get out of the unhappy relationship, i’m probably kidding myself that I could start again anyway.
Aibu to think that it all suddenly catches up with you in your mid 40’s and that really, starting again is unlikely!
Feel like my face is falling off and it’s a constant battle to mainstain a normal weight.
Meh!

OP posts:

Ethylred · 24/06/2018 18:36

Your life is in your hands and nobody else's.
And feeling sorry for yourself never solves any problems.
So change your diet, change your exercise habits, change your job,
change you relationship.
And live. Because your children won't want you to be the way you are.

Aroundtheworldandback · 24/06/2018 18:40

Wait till you get to 50.. seriously though- your children aside, I would strongly disagree that’s it’s impossible to meet someone in your mid 40’s. It sounds like you’re exhausted . If you’re going to do it though, now’s the time, not in 10 years. How old are your children?

NancyDonahue · 24/06/2018 18:42

If you want to leave the relationship then leave for YOU and not for the hope that you will jump straight into another relationship.

A huge part of attractiveness is feeling confident and happy in your own skin.

Original poster

Bonjourmonami73 · 24/06/2018 18:43

Kids are under 10 so young still. Feel so stuck & like it’s not worked out as I hoped and now it’s too late. I think I might be exhausted actually.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonjourmonami73 · 24/06/2018 18:44

And yes @nancy, I do need to leave for me

OP posts:

AllNightL00ngg · 24/06/2018 20:53

Suggest find something every day that makes you happy, something simple like the sunshine. Do you have any hobbies, work, join some Facebook group s or real life groups. It's your life, only you can make yourself happy. Secondly, you are not old !

Gabilan · 25/06/2018 08:13

If you want to leave the relationship then leave for YOU and not for the hope that you will jump straight into another relationship

Yes, this. It's one of the things I find a bit irritating on here. A woman will be talking about her abusive (or just plain crappy) relationship and people will jump in with "oh there are lovely blokes out there, you could have one of them instead".

Now the first part is true. The second is a bit of a leap as it relies on them being single and you meeting them and getting together. But, this doesn't matter. You can leave and just be single. Being single is preferable to a bad relationship. If more people go their heads around this, we wouldn't see so many people stuck in bad relationships because they feel that this is as good as it gets and they won't meet anyone else.

busybarbara · 25/06/2018 08:25

Most single middle aged men are single for a reason, because they're not good in relationships. So definitely be in a position where being single is better.

YoucancallmeVal · 25/06/2018 08:32

Why does starting again always need to involve a bloody man??! Your relationship is making you unhappy, get out and start YOU over. New hobbies, interests, new life for you and the dc. You don't need a man for any of that and the fact that you think you do, shows that you really don't!

Bellabutterfly2016 · 25/06/2018 08:35

Leaving with kids is easier said than done, so many considerations it makes it a tough one.

Start by making some little changes to get you going then gradually work on a full plan of action.

I was like this with my ex and there were no children and it was still hard.

Go to have your hair done, book a facial and organise a night out with your friends, that's always a good start!

Laiste · 25/06/2018 08:53

''I’m in a very unhappy relationship and in an ideal scenario would leave my partner but have 2 kids and it would devastate them.''

To switch it up a bit, here's 3 things to think about:

how devastated would they feel to think their mum was unhappy for 30? 40? years or her life because she felt stuck because she had kids?

A woman (or any parent) staying doggedly in an unhappy relationship is not a good example to set children. You're not modeling a good life.

Leaving doesn't have to 'devastate' anyone's life.

Racecardriver · 25/06/2018 08:55

I feel old and ugly at 23. I think it's just what having children does to you.

Lethaldrizzle · 25/06/2018 08:57

It depends on who you're looking to attract! I would say you would probably be more attractive as a happy woman and perhaps even screw relationships for a while. Be happy for you and the kids. Do you really need another man!

Racecardriver · 25/06/2018 08:57

Also good on you for stickibg to it fir your children. That is wonderfully selfless and committed of you. You may feel your face is falling off but at least your heart is in the right place. You clearly love your children a great deal, you may not have a good marriage but St least you have them.

Laiste · 25/06/2018 09:02

Is that what you'd want for a daughter of your own racecar? To selflessly commit to a miserable marriage and be glad that 'at least she has children'?

busybarbara · 25/06/2018 14:43

how devastated would they feel to think their mum was unhappy for 30? 40? years or her life because she felt stuck because she had kids?

When they're adults, agreed. Until they're adults, almost certainly no child would feel that. So you either do something which affects them now and they'll understand when they're older, or something that doesn't affect them now but alarms them as adults.

Storm4star · 25/06/2018 14:54

I'm late 40s (single) and definitely feel like this!

It does seem the best advice is to leave, but you say "very unhappy", is it anything that can be worked on or resolved? I know the likelihood is that the relationship is already past that if you're posting on here! But I thought I'd ask anyway. Because no, there is no guarantee you'll meet anyone better! If you know you'll be happier single then of course it's a no brainer. But people always tout splitting up as two "happy" parents instead of two miserable ones. But if you're going to be miserable apart too then your kids will go through a split with no benefit. I say this from bitter experience with my parents.

pinkbobbles · 25/06/2018 14:55

I really feel for you op, and it’s all very well being berated but not many people actually do want a future that is completely free of any sort of relationship or intimacy.

Tara336 · 25/06/2018 15:01

I walked out on a long marriage at 44 it was terrifying BUT now I realise it was the right thing to do, I’ve met someone, live with him and. I am very very happy. I don’t consider myself to be anything special but he thinks I am and that’s all that matters. It’s not the easiest thing to do but now I’m glad I did it

Gabilan · 25/06/2018 19:44

not many people actually do want a future that is completely free of any sort of relationship or intimacy

It's not about advocating a future that's free from relationships. It's about being realistic. The OP has said I’m in a very unhappy relationship and in an ideal scenario would leave my partner but have 2 kids and it would devastate them. Feel very trapped. So she's staying for the children. If she thought the relationship might improve it would be different. She doesn't say that she says the relationship is "very unhappy".

So if the alternative is a very unhappy relationship, or no relationship, which would you opt for? Personally I'd go for none. I've never been as lonely and miserable as I was in a bad relationship. And the thing is, once you're out of that lonely relationship, you have far more of a chance of getting into a better one. All I'm saying is that realistically, even if you don't get into another relationship, being single is preferable to be trapped, miserable and lonely.

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