To feel judgey and concerned by this age gap?

[SnapeIsMyHero1]

Name changed as a bit outing...

First of all, don't have a problem with age gap relationships between adults at all. Neighbours moved in a year ago with a baby and a toddler. Obviously an age gap between them, she is early twenties and he looks mid/late thirties. They are devout Catholics, go to church loads and a bit preachy and made a couple of comments about us bringing kids up athiest but other than that are ok.

Anyway, I spent a bit of time with her and she has told me a bit about her life including sexual abuse as a child including rape. I was obviously sympathetic, she is very matter of fact and believes herself to have Asperger's but no diagnosis officially.

The other day she said it was their wedding anniversary, five years... I was surprised so long and she said they married when she was 17, but had been together since just before she turned 15. He would have been 30. (He left his wife and two daughters for her!) Given her history, in my mind she was vulnerable and a 30 year old behaving in this way is a bit gross, not to mention illegal. I now feel uncomfortable around him, especially since they overlook our garden and we have teenage daughters. Obviously it's none of my business and I'm not sure if I am overthinking things but my skin crawls when I see him now. I know I am judging, but am I unreasonable to do so?

I'd feel the same. Totally rank. Not to mention illegal.

I'm normally the first to say don't judge and mind your own business blah blah blah, but that would honestly make me feel very uncomfortable too

I'm not at all judgey usually but this gives me the creeps too. What sort of weirdo leaves his wife and kids for a 14 year old. (It makes no difference to me that she was almost 15). I have a 13 year old who turns 14 in a few months and quite frankly if he was pursued by a 30 year old woman I would be on the phone to the police quicker than he could bloody introduce her!

Yup definitely creepy. Ironic that he feels entitled to be preachy to others. Seems to be hiding behind his religion there!

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. She met her husband when she was 18 - he was in his late 40's at least, older than her parents, and divorced with children older than she was. They married when she was 21.
They went on to have 4 children together, before he was diagnosed with dementia when my friend was still only in her 30's. Her husband had to stop driving, the children were under social services (because they were in the care of a vulnerable adult), she had to organise care for him etc.
She's talked to me about it recently and says she can't understand why her parents didn't try to stop her.

That's definitely a creepy start to a relationship.

How awful. Poor girl

As I understand, the abuse was from a family member and her mother reacted badly and was apparently 'glad to see the back of her' so they could all move on from it.

I'd be concerned too.
I wonder why she was telling you so much detail?

The question I have though is, am I being unreasonable to think this guy might have a thing for teens and be concerned for my own teenage daughters. One of them is studying in the garden wearing her bikini top, and I feel paranoid but I keep checking he isn't at the window looking....

That would creep me out and that's coming from someone who married and had two kids with someone 20 odd years her senior (now divorced.)

I was 21, he was 43. Together 10 years then split/divorced.

I look back now as a woman in my 30s and think gosh I wouldn't even entertain a guy who is 21 now, let alone if I was in my 40s. I do wonder what goes through their heads?

It went from older attractive guy to much older grumpy guy with health problems whilst I was a young 30 year old woman living a middle aged lifestyle.

If she was 14 and he was 30 then that's just wrong and I don't blame you for being weirded out by it!

Yes, I'd have concerns re teenage daughters too. Maybe that would be unreasonable but it wouldn't do any harm to plant some fast growing bushy plants along that fence.

I'm not sure why she is telling me, but she does tell me alot. I thought initially it was linked to her possible Asperger's as she would tell me everything in detail, like where she has been each day, details of the kids, what they do/play... If you ask if she had a nice day for example, she will tell you exactly what she had for lunch, and an itemised list of her day so far.

If he was having a sexual relationship with her at 14 then he's one of her abusers too imo. Vile.

I wonder if his first wife found out he was a creep and kicked him out.

I was all ready to come on this thread and tell you round your own business.

However, in the circumstances you describe, YANBU!

I would find that odd. Why would a married man of 30 want to leave his wife for a 14 year old who, at the end of the day we a child!

Devout Catholic leaving his wife and two kids for a 14 year old? talk about picking and choosing what rules of your religion you follow! Hypocrite and predator, YANBU!

Yick.

Sounds like he took advantage of a vulnerable teenager. And treated his own family very badly in the process. Couldn't think much of him at all.

My skin would crawl too. The hypocrisy doesn’t surprise me, there’s so much of it about when it comes to adultery and abuse I’m probably not the only one desensitised to it.

Aspergers or not, the fact she’s telling you anything like this makes me think she is desperate for someone to talk to, possibly she has no one else to confide in?

Not judgy but a very normal reaction...extremely creepy and I would keep a close eye on my teenage daughters too!!

I would totally be creeped out by this as well.

It reminds me of when I was 14/15 and one of my friends lost her virginity to her boyfriend. At the time I was "impressed" (not jealous as I was so not ready!) but now I'm near 40 I see it for what it was. Her boyfriend was 26. I'm not in touch with her any more but I sometimes wonder what she makes of it all now.