I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for four months, and we’ve spent quite a lot of time together in that time so although it’s still early days we have got to know each other quite well. I actually feel that I am falling in love with him if not already in love. In terms of values, interests, morals, personality etc he seems to be pretty much everything I’ve been looking for. We get on very well, and he has said on several occasions that I’m the first person to accept him the way he is and he really appreciates that. He mentioned that previous girlfriends tried to ‘change him’ and it made him really unhappy.
He is very kind, caring, responsible, honest but he is quite ‘closed off’ in the sense that he doesn’t express any affection towards me. For example he will never compliment my appearance even if I’ve spent a long time getting ready, nor will he hug me or kiss me or put his arm around me etc. If I make the first move he doesn’t recoil and seems very happy to reciprocate if I go to cuddle or kiss him, and our sex life is good. In fact he has commented that he thinks we are particularly compatible sexually, which I agree with.
I have brought up the fact that I would like more affection from him but he has said that that is just the way he is, that he doesn’t seem to be able to do anything about it, that he sees it as a flaw in himself that he is aware of and it is something that previous girlfriends have had a big issue with also. So it looks as though I will have to just accept that as it it’s not likely to change, or else end it.
The other thing that bothers me is that while we tend to see each other every weekend and that often turns into a long weekend, when we’re not together he barely texts me and never calls me. I have said to him that I would like him to phone me and stay in closer touch in the 4/5 days in a row we’re apart, but that is something that has never improved and also I guess it’s not likely to change ever.
Although it’s not something that is ideal for me, given the other aspects of the relationship and our compatibility in other areas I’ve been working on accepting this because I know the other option is to end it which I really don’t want to do.
He also shows he cares in other ways, he listens and advises if I have problems, he drives a long way to see me, he buys me presents and is always keen to see me and invite me to things.
However I was looking back at some of our earlier messages from the first month or two and realised that he did used to be a lot more loving and complimentary in the things he said. Which sounds ridiculous in the context of a four month relationship, it’s not as though we’ve been together 10 years or anything for the romance to naturally fade! And that’s a worry for me. He used to say things like ‘I’m really glad I met you, I think this could be the start of something good’, and send me sweet, sort of romantic messages, which he absolutely does not do now.
So my question is, is this just that he is this way and I shouldn’t take it personally or as a measure of how much he cares, or is this a case of he’s actually losing interest and is dressing it up as him being not very emotional/romantic. I would say the physical affection (or lack of) has always been the same, there doesn’t seem to have been a decline in that, it’s just never really been there, but certainly the romantic messages and compliments via text do seem to have become less.
I don’t want to stay in a relationship where someone is losing interest in me obviously! But I’m finding it really hard to judge whether it is that or just his personality. I’m finding I’m turning it round and round my head constantly and it’s making it even harder to judge because now when he sends me a message I’m over analysing it. I know the principles of ‘he’s just not that into you’ would say if you’re having to wonder about his feelings then he’s not into you. However given that this is a problem of his (in his words) that he has recognised, that bothers him, that he struggles with, and that exes have brought up time and time again with him it makes me wonder whether that applies in this case.
I very rarely meet people that I connect with, and I feel a very strong compatibility and connection with him in every other way which is why I’d be reluctant to break up with him if he is actually into me. No one and no relationship is perfect, after all.
He says that he really likes me on the occasions that I’ve brought up the subject although he’s not said that he loves me.
I really don’t know what to do for the best, please help!