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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fuming at DH

23 replies

thelionsharer · 24/06/2018 13:18

My DH got a job in USA about a month ago and we (me and dc 1yr) have just come out to join him from the Uk.

We are the fourth night in and a Saturday and he says he has to go to work and they will go out to get something to eat after. As he was getting showered and dressed asking me "does this look good etc." I already felt angry as my dc was first night in his new room and crib, crying and not sleeping so I had to go in and comfort him a lot. Thinking why the fuck am I here dealing with dc while you get all spruced up to go out!?

Anyway dc wakes up for feed around 1:30am and I see dh is still not back. Now I'm furious because there was no mention this would go into early hours and I feel he's just out drinking with mates and maybe he just blatantly lied about work so he could go out.

I send a few texts like wtf is this a joke!? Type thing.

He doesn't see that as a cue to leave, he stays until 4am!!! This morning he's trying to act like all is fine and normal and I've just left the house furious.

AIBU to be so angry with him? To think that on the first Saturday night in a new country you should want to be with your wife and tell work colleagues "I need to get home because my wife just arrived here"

Weird thing is he did the exact same thing when dc was 8 wks and I returned from Uk to the country we were living in at the time. Is it some sort of dominance thing? Letting me know 'my place' ?

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 24/06/2018 13:28

If you didn't want him to go out why didn't you say before he went? Or ask him nicely not to make it a late one?

Original poster
thelionsharer · 24/06/2018 13:33

I thought he was going to work for a couple of hours so not really an option to not go. He doesn't normally work until 4am so I didn't feel the need to mention not coming home late.

OP posts:
NorthernKnickers · 24/06/2018 13:34

He's out of order, yes, but you have a voice, so use it instead of just flouncing. Not in a 'fuming' tone either...we all know what happens then...but just talk! Explain WHY you want him to not do the things that upset you. I'm guessing you're jet-lagged, emotional and a bit overwhelmed in a new country so it's spiralled. 💐 for you.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/06/2018 13:37

Thing is what if you talk to him and nothing changes or changes for a short while before you're back here again - left holding the baby and brewing with resentment.

Original poster
thelionsharer · 24/06/2018 13:38

Thanks northernknickers yes it's all new and I have no one here but him because I haven't had time to make friends yet. Stuck in the house everyday because I'm not driving. We have no furniture and have all 3 been sleeping on an air bed. I also have sciatica so yes a bit hacked off.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelionsharer · 24/06/2018 13:38

That's my fear Vlad

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 24/06/2018 13:42

If you'd just arrived it is odd and inconsiderate to go out so late. He said work and something to eat not an all nighter. No reason for you to think it would be late.

Have a firm conversation before this carries on.

Heratnumber7 · 24/06/2018 13:57

I'm assuming you're renting accommodation - can you. I've to a furnished place?

unicornfarts · 24/06/2018 13:58

Explain WHY you want him to not do the things that upset you.
Crikey- are men not smart enough to know that going on a piss-up the first weekend the wife arrives with a baby is less than helpful? Would any of us really need telling? I'd be fuming too OP

Original poster
thelionsharer · 24/06/2018 14:00

Yes unicornfarts I would have thought it obvious. Especially since it's happened before and I was fuming then too!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 24/06/2018 14:04

Are you both planning on being there for the long haul? It sounds as though you've both done fairly long stints abroad in the past so ideally in time you'll find your feet wrt the new area and furnishing the place.

Back to him though: unfortunately I'm inclined to think that he might apologise and make everything fine again till next time he wants to go on a piss up. You can talk to someone all you like but unless they change their behaviour of their own volition you might as well be reciting proverbs in Latin for all they care.

Winegal · 24/06/2018 15:09

I'd let this go as a one off; he's probably running on adrenaline on the new exciting life. Just tell him how you feel and explain it can't happen again (or without warning)

ReanimatedSGB · 24/06/2018 15:12

What's the benefit to you and DC in joining him in the US? Can you get a job; is there childcare, are you in a nice, interesting town? Because if your H is just going to do as he pleases and ignore the pair of you, you might be better off going home.

Lethaldrizzle · 24/06/2018 15:15

Yanbu. Your dh is being a selfish twat - what a way to welcome your family

Maelstrop · 24/06/2018 15:19

Wtf?! I’m gobsmacked at pp saying you need to tell him you think it’s a bad idea. Seriously?! If I moved to be with my dh, I’d expect him to stay with me, obviously, I think that goes without saying, at least for the first couple of weeks. He can network with his new colleagues later once he’s settled you in (and got some bloody furniture!)

Pa1oma · 24/06/2018 15:30

OP, you say he's already been there a month? Maybe he's in the "trying to impress" stage. If this is the norm with his work colleagues, he feels as if he has to try and fit in? Has he been going out a lot since he started the new job?

I would think it's insecurity in his part, mingled with the fact he's been effectively living as a single man for the last month and possibly enjoying his freedom a bit much? Being able to stay out at will has become the norm for him and he needs to readjust a bit now. You, on the other hand, have literally been left holding the baby.

I can totally relate to why this must feel too much when you have brought a baby halfway round the world to support him and his career. You feel isolated and restricted, while he swans off as he pleases with new people and new opportunities. I guess it depends what he's like the rest of the time really. Is he genuinely supportive? How much of a one off is this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2018 15:34

He's been there a month acting like a single bloke, having fun with no responsibilities. Now he has to adjust. Has to. But hasn't decided to yet.

Do you actually want to be a trailing spouse?

HeebieJeebies456 · 24/06/2018 15:54

be careful and make sure u got ur own stash of 'escape' money safe.
i'd also have be firm about how you want things to be, and have a timeline/deadline to see if he sticks to it.

if things don't work out you could end up stuck there with no money, support or accomodation.......or face having to leave your dc with him and being forced to leave the country.

he's a selfish tosser

bsbabas · 24/06/2018 16:06

My ex did stuff like this I left him sooo much happier

Loonoon · 24/06/2018 16:07

Let’s not fume about whether ‘men’ are smart enough to know things without being told but accept that very few people are mind readers. If you want your DH or your sister or your colleague or anyone else to know how you feel the best thing to do is tell them.

It’s not too late even now. Tell him you were upset last night and explain why. Tell him how you feel and why his company and support matters so much to you.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/06/2018 21:32

Also, if he's been there for a month, why have you got no furniture? What are you supposed to be doing while he's 'at work'?

Martinimonster · 24/06/2018 21:46

Bloody hell that's ridiculous I would be seething. Total lack of respect, inconsiderate and he should actually want to be with his wife and child in their new home on the first week! Especially as lo is going to be like a fish out of water.

Original poster
thelionsharer · 25/06/2018 18:24

Thanks for your posts, I have now calmed down.

ReanimatedSGB there is a benefit, and once my paperwork is sorted I will be getting a job. The opportunities and pay for both of us here are better and that's why we chose here over UK. I should have said he is American so we are setting up here permanently and he has found us a gorgeous place to live which I love.

Pa1oma I think it was a bit of that plus they've not been happy at work and apparently everyone was having a massive rant about it. He is a manager so maybe felt he had to be there.

MrsTerryPratchett he has been away from us since Feb so yes a lot of time alone. I'm noticing small things which suggest he's finding it hard to adjust to being part of a unit again but I will drum it in to him until he gets it! I'm not a trailing spouse really, this is his home country and we will be setting up for good here. I will be going to work as soon as I have the paperwork to do so.

HeebieJeebies456 Absolutely! I will be going back to work asap and continue building my stash.

The furniture! lol! he has been in a hotel and just got the house so didn't get the chance to get furniture. He wanted us to wait until he'd sorted it but my dc has been away from his father too long and I didn't want to wait anymore.

That being said you're right, he has been a selfish twat and it's not the welcome I was expecting. He has been a bit sheepish since I offloaded on him so hopefully there won't be any more of this nonsense.

Thanks again for your posts, made me feel ten times better getting it off my chest.

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