Teenage boys and their bedrooms!

[VelvetSpoon]

I have 2 teenage DS.

Eldest has always been relatively tidy as in puts clean laundry away (though usually has a chair covered in discarded items), usually makes his bed, puts rubbish in his bin, doesn't accumulate too much crockery etc. His room is a bit dusty but if you give it a cursory glance it looks ok, and generally he's been pretty good keeping it like this since mid teens.

DS2 (17) however is another story. His room is indescribable. Last year I redecorated it and got him new carpet. But now it looks awful. He doesn't like me to go in. When I do there is stuff everywhere. He doesn't bother changing bedlinen, chucks rubbish on the floor, with all his clothes and everything else. I would gladly help him tidy it, but he refuses. At the moment it's so bad he won't even let me in the door. Aside from this he is doing brilliantly at college, will help round the house and garden when asked, but the room is driving me crazy. He only ever goes out to college but that's when I'm at work. So I can't get in the room when he's not there. Although part of me feels I shouldn't go in if he's asked me not to.

So do I just ignore it and let him get on with It? Or if not do I just go in and clean overriding his objections? He does say he will sort it out next week once he finishes college for the year but he did previously sat he'd sort it out in half term and that never happened.

I’d keep the door closed so you don’t have to see it, make sure he brings out crockery so you don’t run out or inadvertently start a maggot farm, and leave him to it!

Offer to give him a hand to sort it? I am THE most untidy human ever, and when it gets bad I can’t see a way to sort through it, my mum used to give me a hand and it wouldn’t seem like such a mountain to tidy. So maybe both of you make a day of it?

His door is always closed, which worries me because when it was less messy he would leave it open. So now I don't know quite how bad it is. DS1 tells me there is stuff everywhere and he doesn't get why DS2 doesn't sort it out.

I don't think it can be good for DS2 to be living in it surely? I know he has a choice but still.

I have said we'll do it together or even that I will do it all (as a one off) but he won't agree.

God no idea then. If it was dd I would be tempted to do it when she wasn’t there, bu I sounds like he definitely won’t appreciate that. Is he hiding something in there he doesn’t want you to see? Or just embarrassed about the state of it?

I think it's embarrassment but possibly also not wanting me to see all the rubbish, especially if the new carpet is marked.

Problem is that he never goes anywhere other than college, that finished for the year in the next few days then he'll be here all the time.

I'd offer help to clean sometimes, but take the approach of his room, his mess and keep the door shut! Otherwise it's a constant battle and they just aren't worth it.

Sit down with him and explain how hurt you are that he hasn't respected the hard work / money you put in to redecorate his room. Tell him you understand keeping it clean is a pain but he's an adult now and it has to be done.

Tell him either he can do a big clear out together when he finishes college or he can do it alone but either way it's getting done on the first day of his holidays and the WiFi is being turned off (change the password if you want DS1 to still have access) until it's done.

And then every week / fortnight / whatever you feel is appropriate, he has to spend half an hour clearing the floor, hoovering, changing the bed and dusting (or whatever you want him to do).

Honestly, he's big boy and there's no excuse for him to be living like a slob. It's his room but it's your house and your hard work that made his bedroom nice in the first place. Not even attempting to keep it to a certain standard is incredibly disrespectful.

I say all this as someone who was once a teen girl who didn't keep her bedroom tidy and this tactic worked with me!

He is a bit older than my DS but I have an ongoing problem with DS just leaving all his clothes on the floor both clean and dirty. It's infuriating as I do washing them more appears, and he will try clothes on chuck them on the floor. I did used to end up ranting about it.

I decided a while ago I wasn't going to get riled up about it so just told DS that if I saw clothes on the floor then his electronics get confiscated. I had to implement it on Thursday, first time in a while.

I suppose your DS is too old to do this with...I'd be tempted to just leave him too it but offer to help if he asks. I would insist on crockery being bought down (DS is no longer allowed)

I think it's ridiculous that you are allowing him to live like a pig in YOUR home. It's his home too, but you are the parent and your hard work puts that roof over his head. Keeping his room in such a filthy state should be completely unacceptable. What kind of example are you setting for him by allowing this? That it's ok to live in filth and be disrespectful to those you share a home with? Gross. I wouldn't tolerate this for a minute.

It's all very well saying you wouldn't tolerate it but what's the alternative? Also at 17 he is nearly an adult, many people would just keep the door shut and let him get on with it, his room etc.

I am going to try and explain how it's upsetting me and then also give him til Friday to sort it out. If he doesn't I will switch off wifi etc. It's a good opportunity as he will have no college work to complete online and also will have free time from Tues. So no real excuse not to sort it out.

It sounds like it's starting to be a bit of a health and fire hazard. With my ds (15) he knows that a) I require access to his room to hoover at the minimum once every two weeks and b) I will cut off wifi/electronics if it gets really bad. (I find removing the plug cables to tv and Xbox do the trick)

I don't expect a tidy room, I don't have high expectations but I do expect there to be a clear path from bed to door and to the window at all times and a tidy up at least every 2 weeks.

It sounds as if your son isn't naturally tidy (I am the same) - and it's really hard to get into good habits. There is no point in doing it all for him as it won't give him the life skills he needs when he live independently.

I would start by giving him small goals to reach- sit him down and come up with a bit of a plan. Make sure the goals are SMART. I.e. Specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timed. So telling him you expect a tidy room within 48 hours isn't gonna work.

What is your biggest issue with his room - tackle that first. Then once he has sorted that ask him to do something else on top of that too. It will start getting him into a good routine. Also when you sit him down see if he will accept help to get it into a better state - tell him you won't kick off at him whilst you do it. It would then be easier for him to manage.

its a bit of a balancing act of you respecting it's their own personal space and them respecting that they are living under your roof and need to maintain a decent level of tidiness. This is much easier if the teen in question is naturally tidy!!!

I would say DS1 and I are similar levels of tidy. I'm not sure where DS2 gets it from his dad (my ex) is far tidied than either of us. I do think some of it is that he really doesn't care - not in a hurtful way to me, more that it just doesn't bother him if his room is tidy or not whereas it does bother me.

Op this is YOUR house and he lives in it. You have the right to access any room you want. My DS is 15 and I simply can't imagine him telling me I wasn't allowed in his room This is ridiculous - it's a bedroom not a self-contained flat with security! Does he pay rent on this assumed private property?
Just tell him the room needs sorting. He has 24 hours or you're going in.

A difficult one. My DH is a bit of a 'neat freak' and will go into DS room and keep tidying it - I think he's unreasonable and that DS should have some privacy (17) and he should just shut the door. This can cause some tension. Having said that I think that uneaten food lying around is a health hazard - last Summer DS had maggots in a half eaten sandwich in his bin and they hatched into flies

I think it's reasonable to expect crockery taken back downstairs and food cartons thrown away (in the outside bin).

Sounds unreasonable of him to me. Whilst it is his home it is also your home and ultimately you're the one who pays the bills.

It isn't acceptable for him to turn one room of your home into a health hazard. If he can't even open the door it'll be a fire risk too.

I think you need to tell him it had to be cleaned - say what you mean as minimum requirements - and set a deadline. After that deadline you will go in and sort it whether he likes it or not.

This may be quite long so I apologise in advance, this is not intended to be a diig at you either, I’m just trying to help. So.....

1.you are the parent, do some parenting, at 17 he is nearly an adult but whilst he lives under your roof he must learn that he lives by your rules.

2.teach him why it’s so important to change his bedding, bring crocks down, do laundry rather than pile it up. Dirty sheets can not feel nice and they can excasabate many skin conditions, scabbies can thrive in dirty bedding, even moths can be attracted to dirty clothes.

1. He must learn how to do basic things like change his bedding, picking up his laundty, putting away clean clothes, disposing of rubbish at some point in his life, remind him that he won’t always have his mum picking up for him and stop enabling him. If he doesn’t play by your rules he doesn’t get the rewards. (Obviously you know best what rewards to withhold, be that mums taxi service or recording his favourite show on your sky box, but withhold something that is considered to be adult that you pay for. Why should he be treated like an adult and use your facility if he insists on behaving like a child.

1. You really needed to drive the basic rules of cleanliness, hygiene and good manners into him when he was much younger, it makes life so much easier for everyone if you don’t suddenly try to move goalposts when he is old enough to leave Home Because he doesn’t like the new regime. One day hopefully he will live with someone, maybe married and his other half will be lumbered with picking up his dirty pants and cleaning his toothpaste out of the sink because he was allowed to get away with poor habits when you raised him.

Why did you let him live like a slob until 17? None of us know anything until we are taught it, you needed to teach him these things a long time ago.

OP I have this with my ds14, I fully understand where you are at!

Watching with interest......

You should have had the rule since he was a younger child of no eating food in bedrooms. Now you are going to have to try to enforce it which is going to be hell.

I had a messy room as a teen and do/did loads of my nieces and nephews, but this rule means you can ignore the room if they don't wash bedding etc.

Incidentally I did actually wash bedding and do other laundry I just could be bothered to clean up clutter and dust.

I think you should set basic rules like no plates / cutlery left and bedding comes down on a certain day etc but other than that it is his room. Just let him have it how he wants it. You don’t really need to go in there anyway!

I wouldn't go in-he needs his privacy. Maybe ask the older one to offer to give him a hand with tidying? What happens with his washing. If mine don't put in the laundry bin it doesn't get done! Took a while for that to work when reality of wearing dirty clothes set in!

I think on the one hand people have different personalities and need to learn for themselves how to keep their space in a state that works for them (I prefer a relaxed space than an immaculate one personally).

On the other hand it's fine to have certain boundaries wile he's living at home. I wouldn't insist on making the bed - that's his choice but he should wash the linen every so often or it will be unhygienic. He also needs to take dirty crockery out so it doesn't accumulate and get mouldy. It shouldn't be so smelly or disgusting it bothers people outside his room. It shouldn't be in a state that creates permanent damage to the carpets or furniture.

I pay the mortgage on my house. I pay all the bills. And I would still never enter my teens room without permission. I like my privacy respected and I do the same.
The door remains shut and if I've knocked and entered and gotten a glimpse of the mess I'll let them know it needs to be cleaned.
If I can smell it, it's gone too far and a total clean is non-negotiable. Other than that, their room, their mess.

Oh op my deepest sympathy.

I had 6 kids and only 2 are naturally tidy. Ds1 is quite frankly indescribable untidy and messy.

however your house your rules. I made him tidy st home. He went to uni and slobbed again. Not his personal hygiene but house etc.

He’s now married and his wife read him the riot act and he has to maintain a level of tidy ness.

tell him he sorts it by a certain day or there’s no lifts, meals, washing, WiFi, lifts. He’s 17!!! tell him.

BlueBug

Roles like no eating in rooms are fine for younger kids but ridiculous for teenagers