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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want my MIL to pick DD up from nursery...

29 replies

Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 09:42

... and wander the streets with her until I get off the train after work???

My MIL use to look after DD full time and it got too much for her so we had to put DD in nursery - MIL gave us a week's notice to find a suitable nursery. After a few months DD is finally settled in nursery (she 16 months) and now MIL thinks that the day is too long for DD and wants to go and pick her up at 4.30pm twice a week and wait for me to get off train. The nursery is about a 15 min drive from our house so MIL can't take her back to the house as she doesn't drive so she has to walk round local parks and shops etc. Do you think I'm being unreasonable in not wanting this? I have tried talking to MIL saying that it has taken a few months for DD to settle and now is sleeping through the night again etc etc and think that the change of routine would unsettle her again. At the moment I have to work full time but MIL is making me feel guilty and I feel like she is questioning my parenting skills with regard to the care that I have chosen.

OP posts:
kittylette · 24/05/2007 09:44

Just tell her no!

What if it were raining heavily?

Just tell her she is settled and happy, thanks but no thanks!

Original poster
Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 09:47

I have told her no! She makes me feel so bad though and sort of steam rolls you into making you say yes. My DP says to let her do it cos she is getting old and misses DD and it is the only happiness she has at the moment.

OP posts:
elasticbandstand · 24/05/2007 09:49

what time do you get off the train?

kittylette · 24/05/2007 09:51

Can't you arrange a seperate time where you or DP drops her off at her house for an hour so she can spend some time with her, thats a good comprimise.

Her wandering the streets with her come pouring rain or burning sun isnt appropriate IMO.

You are her mummy, you have to put your foot down and comprimise if you can for her and DH.

RedFraggle · 24/05/2007 09:53

IF MIL misses seeing DD could you get off the train, collect your daughter and pop into MIL's for a cup of tea once a week or so as a compromise.
I agree that you wouldn't want them wandering about in all weather so you are not being unreasonable. But a compromise might keep your DH and MIL happy...

katelyle · 24/05/2007 09:59

Coould she not pick her up one day a week (Friday, probably) and give her her tea at a cafe? Then you could meet them at the cafe, have a cup of tea and go home. When the weather was nice, maybe they could go to the park with a picnic.

Original poster
Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 10:03

I dont get off the train until 6.15pm. MIL lives a little way up the train line so I can't pop in after work. The nursery location is on my route to work as I work central London and that is near the tube.

OP posts:
katelyle · 24/05/2007 10:06

Or could your MIL pick her up and take her back to your house for an hour or so's private granny-doting before you get home? (If you're lucky she'll get the tea on as well!)

Original poster
Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 10:08

Thanks for all your comments. I will try and talk to MIL over weekend to come to some amicable arrangement!! I just want DD to be happy.

OP posts:
bozza · 24/05/2007 10:09

I think the tea in a cafe once a week idea is a good one.

WeaselMum · 24/05/2007 10:10

has your MIL gone from looking after your dd full time to not at all? What about your dd going to her one day a week, and nursery four days? Would this be a good compromise?

katelyle · 24/05/2007 10:11

You want MIL to be happy too. Very useful people, grandmas!!!! {kate shows her true self-interested colours!}

Kewcumber · 24/05/2007 10:12

I'd also go with tea in cafe once a week too.

Kewcumber · 24/05/2007 10:12

bit odd though that she only gave you one weeks notice that she didn't want to look after her anymore

Original poster
Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 10:22

When DD was 8 months I went back to work - MIL had her full time DD was easier to look after then cos she wasn't walking etc. Then DD started walking and it got a bit too much for MIL (she in her early 70s). So she gave us a weeks notice to find suitable childcare arrangements and had her twice a week and DD went nursery 3 days a week. Then it got too much again and she gave me a days notice and said that she couldn't have her no more and she was sorry etc etc so I had to take 2 days emergency holiday off work (new job) and wait for the nursery to have full time place - it was very stressful!! Now MIL wants to do this and I'm a little bit apprehensive about it although she is a wonderful MIL but can't risk her letting me down again.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 24/05/2007 10:30

I wonder if there's an element that she's trying to force your hand into going part time?

Maybe she thinks when she says it gets too much, you will have to re-think your work options rather than put her in nursery longer?

I could well be rading too much into it I suppose but it just crossed my mind that she may not approve of you working full time?

Original poster
Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 10:34

HG - you are right to a certain extent. MIL does not want me to work full time but DP wont let me give up work or work shorter hours because I still have a few money committments from before I had DD so have to pay them off.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 24/05/2007 10:42

DP won't LET you??? DP Won't LET you?????

Don't you have some say in this? What do you want - what do you think is best for your DD?

bozza · 24/05/2007 10:43

I don't really see that MIL would be able to let you down in this scenario. Presumably you pay nursery for full days so if she decided not to collect her one day she could just stay at nursery until you arrived.

compo · 24/05/2007 10:47

I think you should do what you want to do.
If you are happy with your dd going to nursery everyday and you picking her up then just tell your dp to tell his mother that the arrangements can't be changed and you are perfectly happy for her to see her grandchild at the weekend.
What is wrong with peple that they want to dictate your life for you. Your dp should stand up for you to his mum and tell her to stop undermining your decisions.
Even if you let her do it once a week she might change her pans , be unavailable, weather too cold in January etc etc.

gussiefinknottle · 24/05/2007 10:47

your mil doesn't want you to work full time? It's certainly not for her to say what you should do!

AttilaSaysHun · 24/05/2007 10:50

perhaps MIL feels guilty that she has had to stop looking after your DD full-time, and wants to show that she can still be a help to you all?
reach a compromise.

Original poster
Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 10:53

I would love to be at home with my DD of course I would but want option do I have? I have to pay off my committments as DP isnt going to! He already pays the mortgage etc etc - all my wages go on the nursery costs £1k per montth, food shopping and my committments. Dont really have much say in the matter and now I have MIL getting in on the act.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 10:54

Attila - you are right. I do think it is guilt. I'm sure we will meet a compromise - as I said before she is a lovely lady but is very blunt in her approach to things!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 10:55

Grandparents should not be taking childcare decisions on parents' behalf.

If you MIL wants to see your DD, which is perfectly natural and normal and healthy and to be encouraged, you have to find an arrangement that suits you and DD and propose it to your MIL. Ideally have two or three proposals, so that your MIL gets a choice and doesn't feel used or abused.