Am I worrying too much or not enough about DS?

[SmithyStreet]

DS is in Year 7. Always been a good kid, tries hard in school, great reports, nice friends (same ones he had in primary plus a few new ones this year). He is also lovely at home.

Lately seems to have had a few emotional wobbles at home. Complained about being treated like a baby. I am admittedly a bit strict, but listened to him and have stepped back and given him more freedom/responsibility. He seems happier now with this.

The other week he was at his dads house, he had ventured further than he is allowed to with his friend. I found out, told him off but no punishment from me otherwise because he was genuinely sorry.

Today I get home, he is in tears on the couch. A boy in his class had challenged him to a fight after school. DS stupidly went because he didn't want to appear a coward. They fought briefly, he now has a bruised cheek and the other boy has a cut cheek. Not an ongoing thing between them as DS rang the boy and they apologised to eachother. They are usually friends. DS is worried about Monday at school, concerned he will be suspended for a day. I have left a voicemail for his head of year to ring me on Monday. I have told DS off for attending the fight!

Sorry this is so long! Mainly my question is, should I be worried about DS behaviour lately or is this just the usual stuff of pre puberty? He is my eldest and I was very young when I had him so have always just used my instinct when issuing rules/punishment.
He is genuinely a lovely and pleasant boy so I feel like I should cut him some slack?

Fully prepared to be told I am a nightmare/over anxious mum. I have realised lately that I have no idea what I should expect from a 12 year old!

I think this is pretty typical in children going through puberty. (Caveat: I only have a daughter and she's lovely. I do teach pediatric nursing and include a unit on growth and development, but mind that most of my knowledge is more theoretical.)

Teens want to develop a sense of personal identity. That could be why he says you "treat him like a baby". He is testing boundaries as a way of asserting his own identity separate from yours. That said, boundaries are of course still very important because his judgement skills are not developed yet. (In fact, complete development of the prefrontal lobes of the brain is not complete until about age 25!)

At the same time, teens also want to be seen to be the same as everybody else. This might be why he got into the fight. He may have been worried about being teased for being a coward if he didn't fight, and that could potentially have knock-on effects for his being accepted at school.

All in all, TBH, this sounds quite normal for a child of his age. Many parents find that parenting teens is similar to how you parent toddlers. Giving them "closed" or "secondary" choices (i.e. a choice between two options that you set for them) is a way to give them autonomy while still ensuring that there are boundaries and that they are kept safe.

Maybe I shouldn't say this but good for him! He stood up to the kid and prob earned a bit of respect. It's all alpha male stuff at this age. Don't worry that it's the start of a slippery slope. As for him and you-he's asserting his independence and they do this to the person they have the closest relationship with in order to grow. Rather than go off at him about the being further afield than should-just tell him that you/Dad needs to know where he is. Otherwise he may do it anyway but not tell you. Suggest he texts one of you discreetly(well it won't do much for his street creed infront of his mate if he rings you will it? ) It's a win-win there then. You're not over anxious -you and him are both reacting normally! Don't beat yrsrlf up-it's hard being Mum to teenagers and doesn't matter how old you are! I'm an older Mum and have teens and still learning.

Thank you for your replies!

I'd much rather it be me worrying too much than DS becoming a concern.

It is definitely hard to know when to back off and give him his space and when to intervene. We have a close relationship but I have never been a teenage boy so feel out of my depth sometimes

Sometimes just take the lead from them helps I find.Eg one of mine said they could handle their hwk schedule ok(cos I was nagging I know I was......! ) so agreed to back off. A month later ....."Mum I don't mind you reminding me that I need to get my hwk done by a certain date"!!!! Honestly love 'em but they do drive u up the wall with worry etc! It took me a while to twig that I was being a bit of a nag though and that they almost need a lesson in getting into trouble/getting it wrong. I have always I don't care about getting into trouble for fighting if they're defending themselves as it's stops them being bullied physically. Sorry if this seems a bit all over the place! Difficult by text! Yr doing ok anyway.