To feel hurt by PILS

[PutYourBackIntoit]

I've name changed and it's my first post in AIBU, so deep breath.

My dh's brother and his partner emigrated to Aus a few years back and have subsequently had 3 children.
We had never thought that we'd be able to afford to visit them, but as they visit the UK every 1-2 years we have seen them several times which has been lovely.

PILs over last couple of years every now and then asked if we'd ever go over and visit, and we've always said we'd not be able to afford it.

About a year ago they gifted us £10k which we are hugely grateful for. We saved it and were hoping in time to have enough for a much needed extension.

My dh kept toying with the idea of using the money to visit Aus, and I feel awkward as it was a gift from his parents so I don't feel like I can put my foot down and say no.

I did some research, and as it happens we found flights that were much more reasonable than I expected at a certain time of year. We decided we would go.

When we told PILs, they were pleased and said they were also going to come. Great! (I get on well with them, and the children adore them, how lovely for them to spend time with their sons and grandchildren all together).

Fast forward a few weeks and it turns out they have booked their flights (they are going for a month) to come back a week before we fly out there.

I am so hurt. They clearly don't want to spend time with us!! My dh thinks I'm insane for being hurt because they just want to spend 'undiluted' time with the Aus family. I cannot fathom why they didn't leave a few days overlap at least.

For info, dh Aus family have plenty of room for us all to be comfy in, but we would be also staying with other friends so it's not a space issue.
We don't see PILs that often (maybe 3- 4 times a year) as they are so busy, which is great for them. They live 2 hours away.

I just don't want to go now. I want to use the money for the extension again. Dh says we cannot let his brother down just because I feel hurt.

I know it's a nice problem to have in some ways, but AIBU??

I’m British living in the USA.

We have had loads of visitors during our time here. Some years we’ve had visitors ever six weeks.

I would absolutely not want two sets at the same time.

Having visitors is lovely. But it’s also very tiring and very stressful. However well we get on with them we’re usually very quietly thrilled when they leave.

The dynamic of a visit from Sibling plus kids is very different from sibling, plus kids, plus PILs.

A month of that number of people (regardless of whether they were actually staying in my house) would be a night mare.

I suspect your BIL would also get considerably less 1:1 time with your DH if their parents were there.

I would bet fifty quid that your BIL/SIL requested separate visits and that’s why the change.

It's not actually all about you.

They want some time alone with their son, who they hardly ever see and might not see again for a long time, if at all.

No need to cause a huge drama about it really.

I’m sorry but get over yourself. I cannot understand your ‘problem’ at all.
Enjoy your holiday to Australia. Enjoy a good relationship with your PIL. Enjoy the fact you don’t have to see them every week. Enjoy the rest of your 10K gift on whatever you spend it on. And don’t worry about anything else.

Another one who thinks YABU. There will be a reason for it and I'm also another one who wouldn't like two sets visiting at one time.

Enjoy your holiday and try not to feel upset

They can’t be that bad op they gifted you 10k which I think was good of your dh to make the trip to see his brother and make memories. Do you ever visit your inlaws? Works both ways.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply. It's Unanimous!!

Yes, my pils are genuinely lovely, unassuming, generous people and we're lucky to have them in our lives. It stings a bit that they don't want to take this opportunity to see us even for one day of their month trip that's all.

I do think it could be coming more from bil and sil that it would be too much, absolutely fair enough.
We run a holiday business so are used to hosting lots of people, and perhaps this clouded my judgement of how easy it would be.

But you see the PILs every year. They probably don’t see the ones in Australia so,often. I can see why they want time in their own with them

Kissthe hahahahaha

I have 99 problems and the pils are not usually 1 which is why it's tipped me over the edge!!

I love them (been with dh over 20 years). They don't see us much at all (we last saw them at Christmas). I'm hurt by their choice. I accept now it was completely reasonable choice to make, but I'm still hurt.

Have to agree with everyone else.
YABU.
All sorts of reasons that have already been said.
You have such lovely PiL.

OP don’t take the length of time they will spent with BIL to heart/compare it with length of time they spend with you - the tickets are expensive so they are just making the most of the flights and holiday environment, knowing they won’t see them for several more years after this.

The Aus family visit for a month at a go every 18 months, it's a long time but it's not several years. When they were last here, we had everyone stay for a weekend. It was nice!
I do know it's not tit for tat though!!

stings a bit that they don't want to take this opportunity to see us even for one day of their month trip that's all

but you and your family would probably be too jet lagged to enjoy that day and your PILs might be emotional about leaving their other DS and DGC in Australia.

I bet BIL and SIL want a week's break in between visitors. To get the bedding washed and changed, relax with their "nuclear" family before you arrive.

Have a great holiday, OP!

Do you try and visit PILs Op? Do they FaceTime your DC as I'm struggling to see how your DC adore them when they don't see them.

I thought you were going to say they WBU because they muscled in on your holiday! But no, the opposite!!
Actually I also think it would have been nice for a day crossover where you could be all together.
Could you/DH invite them over more frequently if you don’t think you’re seeing them enough? Or suggest you meet halfway somewhere or a holiday together.

OP, I think this is about the relationship between your children and their grandparents because in your OP you said

but we would be also staying with other friends

so you are not spending all your time there with your DH's family either. Yes, I agree that an overlap would have been nice - have you or your DH asked your BIL about it?

Haven't read the whole thread but I would be more annoyed that they are going over for a month just before you and the BIL and SIL might be fed up with guests by then. They won't be fresh for you.

Can you imagine having family for a month, a week off and then more family for another stay?

Did the PILs explain their timing?

Don't you visit your PILs ? It doesn't sound like it.

I can understand them wanting to go separately, they want to see them alone rather than in a group given how far they have to travel to do so.

The gc adore their gp, yes. They see them about 3-4 times a year on average. Usually when we're driving past the motorway we stop for a cup of tea (they invite us over when they know we're heading to London).

We went on holiday in May and while we were there, my fil came to our small town twice in order to visit a specialist shop. I'm 100pc he did not do it because we were away but I was a bit

We won't be staying with dh brother the whole time no as we would like to sightsee/ give them and us some time and of course they'll need to work.

My plan (communicated to mil and dh when we were initially planning) was to stay in airbnb for first 2 nights in Aus so we can get over jet lag without disturbing anyone, spend few nights or so at bils, sightsee for a week or so whilst pils stay with bil (no need to change sheets as plenty of bedrooms), and repeat flexibly to suit whatever plans bils, pils may have.

It was once we had verbally confirmed our dates with school and pils that dh was told they'd booked different dates. At no point did mil tell me during that conversation that she thought it wouldn't work.

I would also hate to host over 2 months, exhausting.

Maybe we should delay till following year to give us time to save up a bit more and give them only 1 month a year of putting up family.

Yabu.
We had family abroad, and occasionally (Xmas) we’d all descend at once! It was wonderful but bloody stressful! When we visited just us it was a whole new dynamic, new and improved relationships built, lots of sibling time, less stressful trying to please/ feed/ clean up after lots more people. Go, have an amazing time!

Why not just have your DH call his brother for an honest conversation.

They don't do that, sadly Copperbonnet. I have suggested it a few times!!

I'm wondering if there's hidden resentment from when bil got married and we had to borrow money to send dh out there whilst I was heavily pregnant with a todddler because he felt 'obliged'. Now we need building work, the car fixing, paying off a loan, and I'm constantly worried my work contract won't be renewed and once again he feels 'obliged' to go to Aus. Then the plans I thought we had are dropped and I'm not even reasonable to feel hurt.

I'm going to take down this thread as it's too outing, even with the subtle changes I've made to reality. I'm crap at this

Given your updates I can understand why you're upset. I just think in this instance you're upset about the wrong thing.

It sounds as though both you and your DH would like a closer relationship with your PIL but they aren't as bothered. I'm sorry about that, that is very sad and must hurt a lot.