To have never thought about my own funeral?

[TitsalinaBumsquat]

I just had a random conversation with my OH, where he explained what he would want to happen in terms of his funeral and scattering his ashes. Purely because we as a couple have never discussed it and he wanted me to know his wishes. He then asked me what I wanted.

I have never seriously thought about this and I have no idea where I’d want to be or what I’d want to happen. OH has said that it is strange I’ve never considered this, and that in his opinion most people would have thought about and decided what they would like to happen to them after they have died.

So tell me Mumsnet, AIBU to not have thought about this? Am I in a minority here?

I would like to be donated to science or a body farm if it gets approval in the UK. But only if my family are comfortable with it. If they wish for a funeral etc I would like to be wrapped in a shroud and to have a natural woodland burial. I need to get this in writing.

have said i want a white coffin with a black cat painted on it,no flowers dont like them while im alive so dont waste money on them when im dead, cremation and highway to hell playing as they leave the crem

Agreeing with a PP that it is a kindness to leave some simple directions for the benefit of those left behind. In the aftermath of a bereavement the last thing anyone needs is a whole set of decisions needing to be agreed

It is a great comfort to know that you are doing what they wanted. Just easy things like flowers/no flowers. Which charity instead of flowers burial v cremation. Trying to second guess then get everyone to agree is too, too stressful to contemplate.

Best leave some clues oh and don't forget the will too. Everything is much easier if there is a will. .

YABU to have not thought about it at all. You know you're going to die, why not spend a few minutes planning what you want to happen?

It's not necessarily for your benefit (unless you're planning an advance care decision, which would affect you while you were still alive). It's for the people left behind -- so they're not scrambling to make all the decisions during an already stressful time. If they don't have to second-guess what you would have wanted, things can flow that much more smoothly.

I do run a death cafe however, so I am biased!

Me +dh have had a general chat in that he wants to be cremated and I want a buriel.
I have chosen Billy Connelly's 'If it wasn't for your wellies' and dc can choose the rest!! Planning on a funeral package starting when I turn 50 to cover everything.
Had a health scare 3 years ago and def don't want the cost left to dc.

I'm for direct cremation, none of that funeral carry on. Nobody needs a funeral to remember anyone and I believe they're an outrageous waste of money, just like weddings are and I didn't have one of those either. I would be furious if my children wasted money on that. They can split me between them, keep me in jars and remember me in a less tortuous situation. Even when I'm dead I have no interest in being the centre of attention.

DM planned hers to the minute - carefully arranged for after lunch but before the afternoon bingo to maximise attendance. Made everything a lot easier all round.

I've planned mine - DDs both know the hymns I want.

I doubt if the OP is alone, even more so given the number who die without leaving a will.

And to the posters who say "Oh I don't want any funeral, direct cremation only, no fuss I'm dead" that is great! But it doesn't get you out of planning for it! Write down and make those wishes known. Also consider planning for the financial side of things even a basic direct cremation is a good chunk of money.

If you really can't be bothered what happens, tell this to your next of kin and still write it down. It is possible your grieving relatives will feel guilty if they don't give you a "proper send off" -- even if it's against your wishes. Make it very clear what you want and don't want.

I'd like to leave my brain to medical research as unfortunately Parkinson's Disease & Brain Tumours (Benign & Malignant) have happened in to many members of my family.
I think I'd like a Promession ecological funeral where the body is freeze dried & then shattered to a fine powder, which can then be scattered.
Not sure where I want to be chucked yet.
I'd like a church service & a big party after in the local pub.
I also want the Time of My Life (Dirty Dancing Theme time) played.
Hopefully though it will be a long time before that happens, fingers crossed!

DH and I keep 'funeral journals' where we record our funeral ideas and how they change/develop over time. So far I'm undecided about burial Vs cremation, but I definitely (at the moment!) want a humanist celebrant. And Mike Oldfield's Heaven's Open on the way out. Loud

I've got mine planned. And I'll come back and haunt the organisers if they don't do the correct prayers, readings and music!

My DF died suddenly and I landed up planning the funeral with my DM. He had not given a thought to it, nor how to access the household bills, insurance etc. My brother had to crack his computer so DM could sort it all out for probate. He was totally in denial and I have learned from this.

I have a note kept with my will which says how to work out my passwords. I also tackle funeral arrangements - it says that it's just guidelines and nothing is mandatory.

Previously I wasn't going to plan anything because I'll not be there and don't care, but now I think that by daring to think about my death I could lighten their load.

Direct to crem is the way to go I think, I am not religious and I don’t want to put my family through a funeral service. We have attended too many in recent years.

I had never really given it a thought until my DM died last year after a short terminal illness aged 58. As an only child of a single parent, all arrangements fell to me and I suddenly realised other than her wanting to be cremated, I knew nothing of her wishes.

It made me (aged 30) write down my wishes for my funeral. Not specific enough where if they are unable to be carried out there would be a feeling of guilt, but enough information to make planning easier on DH (or our child/ren, should we have them)

@PizzaPower I'm not going as far as to book it all in, I literally don't know how long I have left. Could be told weeks or years on Tuesday but I'm going to leave behind a 38 year old widower and a 2 year old daughter of it's weeks. The last thing any of my family need is to be wondering what I would want.

I'm so sorry you're in the same position, it's devastating isn't it?

@TheGirlisAryaStark thank you!

And to everyone on here who lost someone and went through the pain of organising their loved one's funerals.

I'd encourage anyone to make a few basic notes on what they would want and file it away for a time hopefully a long way in the future for you all.

I didn’t really talk about it with my DH
He died very suddenly on Wednesday from a blood clot
Now I’m trying to plan his funeral

@shanks313 I am so sorry. I hope you find the strength from somewhere to see you through this, and that you have support around you at such a sad time. I really feel for you.

I have a file on my computer with details of what I want, (songs, only family flowers, donations to a charity of my choosing instead of friends flowers), and I have also discussed with DH and with parents.

For instance, I'm not religious, but it wasn't until my Mum died that I found out that you can have a civil funeral (she'd planned it in advance). That is now included in my wishes.

I've got it written into my will that I don't want a funeral. Direct cremation will be my way to go. DH has done the same, and so has my sister. Bloody hate funerals and don't want my loved ones to be burdened with having to organise one.

for those who are suffering with terminal illness or have felt the pain of losing loved ones.

I categorically do not want a funeral. I want to donate my organs or leave my body to medical science. I don't want a service or people crying in a church or any money and time being wasted on such a depressing affair. I have thankfully only ever been to two funerals and I felt like I couldn't breathe during them.

If you have written a Will you will have made your wishes known in that. Doesn't have to be in great detail.

Please write a Will folks. I speak with the experience of someone who has had to deal with the death of parents dying interstate. It's really not something you'd want your children to have to think about.

Anyway, woodland burial for me.

Perhaps I'm unusual, but I got a great deal of comfort from organising my parents' funerals. We knew my mother was dying (cancer) and I remember asking her something about what she would want for her funeral. Her reply was 'oh, you know the sort of thing I like'. And indeed I did.

During the service, I had a real sense of her nodding approvingly and saying 'yes, you've chosen well' and that helped enormously.

My father died unexpectedly, so it was very different, but his view was very much that funerals were for the mourners than the person who had died, so it was for them to decide what they wanted rather than for the person who had died to dictate. Again, I felt he would have approved of his funeral.

More generally, in both cases the arrangements gave me something practical to focus on, which really helped and I enjoyed choosing the flowers, music, readings etc.