If something is really eating you up inside but you fear talking about it will make it worse

[usernamefromhell]

I have an awful situation with someone I work with. We used to be friends and are now not. I can't really go into the reasons as I'm terrified of outing myself but let's just say our relationship crossed a line into being non-professional a few times (a sort of fling -- no other parties involved) and the fallout is very difficult.

This person, from having once been a good friend, makes me feel that I am not liked or respected. I feel this person excludes me from work social occasions and talks to me as if I am worthless in public. I don't really understand their motivation for this, whether its wounded pride, disgust indifference, pique or awkwardness: it could be any or all of the above. It has sucked the life out of me and destroyed my self-confidence.

I very nearly left my job because I found this difficult to deal with but was persuaded to stay, in part because I was made a very good financial offer but also because aside from this I love my job. I don't regret my decision. But I desperately want to feel comfortable and accepted and trusted and part of the family again.

I really want to resolve this situation and put things behind me. I want to know if it is possible for us to be friends again. But a big part of me feels that this person isn't capable of drawing a line under things. It's got to such an impasse that I now can't tell if they are genuinely being unpleasant to me or if its in my head but I am terrified of trying to talk, offer an olive branch and move on and being rejected or ignored. I feel at least by keeping a cold shoulder and building a wall I have my pride. I also think if this person is actually genuinely trying to hurt me or is just an indifferent shit I am better off not giving them anything that looks like affection or warmth as it could be used against me.

I can't talk to anyone about this and it is making my life very painful and difficult. I feel utterly trapped. I want to talk to people at work so they understand how difficult it is but I can't risk showing any weakness or appearing unprofessional.

I just want to feel like myself again.

Is there any value in trying to talk to this person or am I better off just soldiering on? It just seems to go on and on and never gets better.

In my experience it doesn't get better no. So I never shagged a colleague again.

NoIWontDoWhatYouSay meaning talking won't help? This is my dilemma. A part of me thinks if I break the ice I might be able to put things back on a more friendly footing. Another part of me thinks it would be impossible to get back to that and I'm just risking opening up old wounds and making myself vulnerable into the bargain.

Not been in this situation, but from what I have read I would ask to meet them for a chat. Its not going to make things or you feel any worse than they are/you feel. That way you might be able to find out why they are behaving in that way towards you and see if you can both move forwards and make your work life more comfortable.

longtompot a big part of me thinks this, and also that I will feel better for taking ownership of the situation and stopping pretending everything is A OK all the time. Another part of me thinks that this person could use my vulnerability against me to stick the knife in and try to humiliate me. I'm not sure what will feel worse...

It sounds like you need to communicate, as things will not improve otherwise. Could you approach it as concern for them? So that you are not showing 'vulnerability'. As in arrange a meeting away from work and then frame it that you wanted to check in with them as they've been behaving strangely for a while, and is there anything you can do as you're concerned about them and also miss the time when you were friends?

I most certainly wouldn't make overtures about being friendly again but I would tell this person that you are being civil to them and you expect no less in return. Make it clear their behaviour is unprofessional and unacceptable. Why should they be permitted to carry on treating you like this, whatever their motivation.

You definitely need to take control and have an honest chat. Did it end really badly. It is probably best not to discuss it with anyone in work, they are probably aware of the atmosphere and want to stay out of it.

Whatever way it ended is irrelevant, I don't think you have anything to loose, You are already been treated like shit so yes have the chat.

I top up what most others have said. Meet him/her for a chat - you obviously can't feel any worse.

If it's all just been overthinking then I hope you get your friend back. But if this person has been deliberately ostracising you etc then just hope to be civil going forwards and nothing more, you don't need friends like that xx

Itdoesmyheadin this is the problem, I can't really tell any more if the behaviour is deliberate or if I'm over-sensitive, and if it is deliberate, whether it comes from a place of pain or if its just sheer vindictiveness. It would help to know this -- if its the former then we may be able to meet half way, if the latter then I think we basically need to go as no contact as is possible in a work environment.

I've tried to talk to this person before about similar behaviour and basically got a half-hearted apology and then the behaviour just reverted to type so I have my doubts as whether its even possible to change.