Is there anywhere I can go for help?

[Midge1978]

My six year old daughter's behaviour at home is terrible. She won't do as she's told, back chats and makes us late for school every morning and bedtime is a total nightmare. She insults us and says dreadful things to us just because we tell her to get ready for school. I start work every day feeling tearful and dread going home. My life is a misery and it's tearing our marriage apart. She does well at school and behaves impeccably there. I really need some support but don't know where to turn.

I don’t really know if they can help, but perhaps a doctors appointment would be a step in the direction? If you have a local surestart sometimes they can help as well. And sorry you’re going through this

Ask your school if they can refer to the school nurse, I'm almost certain that all areas have one. They can offer support and refer for parenting courses (they're no where near as bad as it sounds, I think everyone should do them!) and see if a referral to anywhere else is appropriate. If not, most areas of social care have family support workers / early help that can work with you to support

If she can behave well at school she should be able to behave well at home. I would have a routine for morning and evening, so she knows what to expect. A visual timetable (eg wash, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth) may help her understand easily what is expected. Give her a star on a chart each time she completes a task with no argument and give her lots of praise.

Do you also spend 1:1 time with her every day?

ask your school if they can refer to the school nurse, I'm almost certain that all areas have one.

You are joking? Take her to your GP. Too old for sure start.
Does the school has pastoral/family support? What does the Senco say? Any family history of autism?

We were referred via school SENCO for an early help worker form social services and my god that angel of a woman turned our nightmare DD around. I feel your pain OP

Sounds tough. How are things financially could you afford family therapy? I would go to the GP for help. Could be any number of things. She might be stressed about something and only feels able to let it out at home. She might have just got into a role of nightmare child at home and be using it for attention/control. Hopefully family therapy could find the cause.

Speak to your school as the first point of contact, ask if they can refer you for support. They can refer you on for further support perhaps to an agency like early help if your local authority has one (they will have something along those lines, perhaps by another name). They will work with you to do an assessment of your family needs and what support they can out in place.

This might be around routine, boundaries, parenting strategies - whatever you decide together is necessary

Also second the idea in the mean time of spending 1-1 time with her - maybe go out somewhere where you can break the negative pattern. I would take any opportunity to have positive interactions with her and try and minimise your reaction when she's being awful.

My youngest child was a very difficult character when he was young. I used to feel a failure that I didn't know how to handle him or his tantrums.

To help him manage his behaviour we used a reward chart which ultimately turned it around for us. Clear boundaries (but no expectations of perfection as we wanted him to achieve) but he had to try. Focus on the positive behaviour only.

At the end of the week he got to pick a wrapped present from a bag (it was just cheap stationery or toy car or an experience in a card eg your reward this week is to bake your favourite biscuits / cake with mummy etc). He was so motivated by achieving a prize. I also used to shake the reward chart up every few months, adjusting it so that as one behaviour issue resolved we could then move on to tackle another one. It was just a constant work in progress for a few years.

And when he was kicking off what he used to get from me was an age appropriate bollocking. What I learnt he actually needed was a cuddle. And at 14 he's still my most cuddly boy.

We never went on to have a 3rd child because I found him so challenging and the whole parenting experience with him so bloody difficult but we did eventually crack it through trial and a lot of error.

Reflecting back I would say I found a lot of my child's issues were due to a lack of parenting confidence on my part.

Health visitor or gp. Sounds like she may need a referral for an assessment. many children with sen or spld can behave at school, with its rules and routines, but struggle to repress their emotions at home.

@MamaMiapartytime am I joking? Not at all 😂I'm a school nurse and supporting parents with behaviour is what we do every day

I haven't RTFT so apologies if it's been mentioned already, but this book is brilliant, it really helped me when I was having some tough times with DC:
https://www.ebay.co.uk/p/How-to-Talk-to-Kids-So-Kids-Will-Listen-and-Listen-So-Kids-Will-Talk-by-Elaine-Mazlish-Adele-Faber/178372610?iid=152730786579&chn=ps&adgroupid=52285802392&rlsatarget=pla-414607526158&abcId=1133926&adtype=pla&merchantid=10086334&poi=&googleloc=1006677&device=m&campaignid=1058609991&crdt=0&ulref=http%253A%252F%252Frover.ebay.com%252Frover%252F1%252F710-134428-41853-0%252F2%253Fmpre%253Dhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.ebay.co.uk%25252Fp%25252FHow-to-Talk-to-Kids-So-Kids-Will-Listen-and-Listen-So-Kids-Will-Talk-by-Elaine-Mazlish-Adele-Faber%25252F178372610%25253Fiid%25253D152730786579%252526chn%25253Dps%2526itemid%253D152730786579%2526targetid%253D414607526158%2526device%253Dm%2526adtype%253Dpla%2526googleloc%253D1006677%2526poi%253D%2526campaignid%253D1058609991%2526adgroupid%253D52285802392%2526rlsatarget%253Dpla-414607526158%2526abcId%253D1133926%2526merchantid%253D10086334%2526gclid%253DCjwKCAjwma3ZBRBwEiwA-CsblFaMNmr2GRXrz51yDvHHSTI5vaDCFNqT-Hb13nWjHYjjePYsLKPLUBoCQhwQAvDBwE%2526srcrot%253D710-134428-41853-0%2526rvrrid%253D1573233776919%2526rvr_ts%253D243705041640ac852c870ef8fff71870