To have a crush in my 40s

[mrsoscarwilde]

Hi!
I am a happily married mother of 3 children in my early 40s. DH and I have a great relationship, s*x life, etc, but of course life is busy what with school going children, etc (DD aged 10 and twins aged 7).

However, a good friend of mine passed away suddenly in December. She was like my mentor in work (she had retired a few years ago) and we shared common interests (a love of words, reading, etc!) and basically we had a great friendship for years! I had planned to meet her at end of December and therefore, it came as a terrible shock when I found out she had died suddenly of a heart attack. It was awful. A real blow.(I dreamt about her the night before she died! That she was waving goodbye. I often have prophetic dreams)

Anyway, I was absolutely dreading the wake. I felt sick and vulnerable and emotional that cold evening in December. My husband was away for work so I had to ask our childminder to take the kids for a few hours. I was extremely hassled and upset and got lost on way to funeral home. I saw a parked car near it where I thought is was and tapped on the window. It as a driver but his passenger got out of car immediately to help. He told me the way and said he knew my friend and had just attended the wake as he went to school with her son! He was so comforting, so charming and nice and I realised I was very open and frank with him. I told him all about our friendship, how much I valued and loved her and a few funny stories. We talked for a good 15 minutes. I was suddenly aware of how handsome he was (I know this makes me sound very shallow but I was an emotional wreck that evening). Next day at the funeral he caught me staring at him in the church and stared back and then looked away. He very deliberately caught my eye and gave me a very friendly wave across the church grounds too. He is about eight or ten years younger than me.

I found out that he is actually quite well known (I can't say what job he has) in my local area in UK. I now realise I have developed a crush on him. I am not going to act on it AT ALL but I was wondering if this is a symptom of a mid life crisis as I am really feeling my age this year. Another family member died this year and therefore I feel a bit shaken by this too.

Am I going crazy!!? What is wrong with me! I have to admit, it has been a bit of excitement and I think of my friend whenever I see him. I feel heart sore about her and think about her a lot and what life is all about and the pointlessness of things, etc. It almost feels like my grief is being interrupted by a feeling of attraction to him.
Advice and insights please! And I hope I don't sound very shallow. I am happily married and not a cheating type AT ALL but feel weirdly guilty about this.

Oh dear. I had a bit of this when my wonderful MIL died. I developed a slight crush on my BiL! It was the upset and the heightened emotions no doubt.

I’m also happily married and it’s gone now. Thank goodness! I’m sure yours will too.

By chance, this fellow was there when you needed him, a shoulder to cry on and a knight in shining armour. I think funerals also make all,your emotions a little more heightened. Maybe you are using your feelings as a distraction to what has happened.

I don't know OP. It could be a reaction to your sad bereavement, or it could be that this strong, supportive man offered you something (albeit briefly) that you're not getting at home, despite your assurances that the marriage is excellent. I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself and then you'll be able to unravel it. Good luck.

Thank you all so much for reading my rather long message!

Ah sorry to hear nuffaluff about your MIL. Interesting you had similar feelings. I think death/grief can bring up loads of different emotions.

Love the knight in shining armour analogy Petalflowers! I rem thinking this too at the time. Was I meant to meet him?

Very very interesting super super super. Wondered if it is a midlife crisis. I do feel a bit empty sometimes. Maybe I have let an emotional pattern form in my marriage?
It was nice to feel the flutters as I did when I met funeral encounter guy! I am thinking about him more than I should

I also think when you are in a stable, well established marriage, you don’t have those flutters anymore. It’s nice, but in a different way. It doesn’t mean, as you say, there is something wrong with your marriage, just that you are on a different page. Meeting someone new you connect with reminds you of when you are first dating..

Maybe, even though your life is okay, you need to break,out of the family routine once in a while. Go and see the new Mamma Mia film with your dh, have a nice family day at the beach, have a new haircut etc.

Crushes happen

I get them also (not happily married either )

You are human and he was your knight in shining armour on a sad awful day

It will pass , they are annoying sometimes

Sorry for your loss

I agree with Petalflowers.....there is a lot going on right now..the flutters will distract you from your recent bereavement.. Just let them be.. And allow yourself to see that side of yourself again.. It could actually be positive for your marriage...my situation was different in that my partner died and after I found myself with crushes despite having been very close with him.. But it helped me deal with the pain.. And I didn't act on them either. And he sounds like a lovely, caring man who was there at the right time. A mixture of things. If your husband had been able to go with you that day, you wouldn't have been vulnerable.. I'm not saying he should have just it would have been different. Look after yourself and give it all time.

Crushes just happen at any age (I am much older than you) and in any situation. What matters is how you deal with it - and you seem resolute in there being no possibility of trying to take matters further. Your feelings are completely normal.

Crushes happen!

Bereavement especially sudden bereavement and the feeling of acute loss put you in a state of psychological 'arousal'. It means that our mind is trying to make sense of something which is senseless. It also means that you can misattribute acute grief feelings as affiliative /sexual ones to this hot man!

And, these feelings can come from just realising how bloody short life it.... Especially so soon after your pals sudden death.

Very interesting insights everyone!

I have been feeling a kind of emptiness of late. Wondering about what life is all about. I am only early 40s but feel like I am hundred some days.

Dreamt about said crush last night! Must have been fact that I messaged on here yesterday and my subconscious was alert to it!

It was a lovely dream. He was meeting my parents as were newly dating. It was a feeling in dream - more that a 'memory' of a dream - I felt the flutters and excitement of first love.

I have been feeling a little emotional all day after it in fact. I feel like I am in love with a fantasy or projecting something on to it. I met my friend's daughter this week at a work social - we invited her - and thinking of her too.
My crush is often in local media. And twitter. This does not help. Constant reminders.

The short interaction with him and your fantasy make you very happy, during grief and the acceptance that half your life has gone by.

Don't forget only half of that time was adulthood, enjoy the rest, enjoy your family, nothing is as important as family, family can be friends or biological relations, they bring happiness. Happiness isn't all high emotions and lust, it's a steady simple joy.