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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed with DH for refusing to do the odd day trip to see my friends / family?

25 replies

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 23/05/2007 20:12

He says he has no interest in having lunch or whatever with people he's unlikely to see again and doesn't want to waste his weekends doing this. I told him that I'm thinking in the region of 3 x per year (single day trips / built in to a weekend away for us but the family / friend bit taking up one meal time). I am now feeling 'controlled' and restricted as we have a 5month old DD and I would love to take her to see family etc as I think it's important and it would obviously be easier if it were the two of us (DH and I) doing it together.

He thinks nothing of me giving up a weeks annual leave to fly to the states to spend a week with his mother - I am terrified of flying, there are always rows and it's altogether a foul time for me but I know it's something I just have to do. I have however refused to shoulder her visits here on my own (she's VERY chatty) and insisted DH takes annual leave to cover her visits. Anyway - back to the original - what do you think? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
hana · 23/05/2007 20:14

no, what a weird way of operating

LoveAngel · 23/05/2007 20:14

He won't visit your friends and family AT ALL?

mumfor1standfinaltime · 23/05/2007 20:15

Not at all. Just refuse to go the States next time!

LoveMyGirls · 23/05/2007 20:16

He's clearly being an arse, there has to be some give and take, if he doesnt like the idea of coming with you and outright refuses and you're not going to leave him over it then there ius little point arguing about ti so what you do is wait until your dd is a bit older and fuck off for the weekend to see your friends and see how actually him coming with you and making it a family thing instead of him looking after dd on his own is suddenly so appealing or he may suprise you give you a kiss and say ok hun have a fab time cya when you get back, in which case its a win win situation.

If you fancy a compromise you could suggest your friends come down and stay with you for the weekend while he buggers off out with his friends some of the time?

Aimsmum · 23/05/2007 20:18

Message withdrawn

ElenyaTuesday · 23/05/2007 20:22

I do think that is odd! I suffer dh's family a few times a year and he suffers mine once a year (as they are abroad and I can only stomach them once a year) - isn't that how it's supposed to be? If you can go all the way to the USA, why can't he visit your family?

Elasticwoman · 23/05/2007 21:06

Yes, how does he justify expecting you to go to the States, yet not travelling in UK to see your family? And what makes him think he will "not see them again"? If you visit them, they might come and see you. Surely he met a few of your relatives at the wedding?

Original poster
PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 23/05/2007 22:33

Thanks everyone. He only speaks to his mum and his sister - he's fallen out with his brother 17 years his senior and hasn't spoken to him for years. He doesn't know any of his aunts or uncles or cousins etc and I don't want our DD growing up with the same disrespect for family. I have a couple of very quirky rellies who I would have thought would be fun to visit and view as a piece of british heritage if nothing else - he will see my mum and dad and sister and that's it. He's not great at keeping in touch with friends either - i don't think i realised he was this reclusive!!!

OP posts:
alicet · 24/05/2007 08:23

He is being unreasonable. Big time. Can't see how he can expect you to make that effort for his mum (which is important for your dd if nothing else if you want her to have respect for family). Aren't relationships about give and take? Not much give on his part!!!

KaySamuels · 24/05/2007 08:34

Can you not go on your own? I know it would be easier with him there, but it may also be nice to see your rellies and friends just you and dd? If you take a laid back approach it could be doable maybe with a well packed changing bag and lightweight buggy. If you are only in UK you don't need to worry about running out of anything!

HIBU! Can't believe you have two weeks of the year with his mum and he won't visit your family for the day! Does he not see how hypocritical this is?

Either have it out for him or go with your dd and have a lovely time without him!

fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 08:47

oh hes being an ar$e but does that help you really?

can you not take dd alone? Yes it might be easier if he helped but...if it comes down to it and its going alone or not going...? Will family help?

If it helps at all , I gallavanted round the whole country with my two as tiny babies, alone, because dp had a rather punishing work schedule. Its different, rather than being hard, and the crucial thing is to recognise that you are doing something stressful, without an easy opportunity for a break, and reward yourself accordingly. pack chocolate, mp3 player, etc, if you're driving and the baby falls asleep then pull off and give yourself a break, read a magazine and drink (thermos) coffee, that sort of thing.

Original poster
PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 24/05/2007 22:20

Ah yes, I can take DD alone provided that it's a day trip in the week so as not to eat in to his quality time with her as he only really gets to see her at weekends. I will work hard at arranging a weekend somewhere and then when he gets excited about it and can see then how he feels about popping in for a half hour cuppa with someone. I suppose he may be worried it would be a whole day affair and i just have to prove by example that it aint. Bloody Men!!!!

OP posts:
madamez · 24/05/2007 22:27

It does sound as though he's someone to whom family and friends are less important than they are to you. WHile he is being unreasonable expecting you to make the effort to see his folks if he won't do the same for you, if he has other merits then it's probably best if you make the trip by yourself and see how he handles that. (and it;'s nto bad at all travelling with a 5-month -old on public transport, btw, I'm car free and took DS all round the country on assorted trains in his first year. 18-month-olds are a bit more tiresome on journeys though...)

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 24/05/2007 22:29

Why is he unlikely to see your friends/family again??

pointydog · 24/05/2007 22:34

Get used to it, I say. I can see it from your dh's point of view.

I hardly ever visit the in-laws these days as I work so much that I want to enjoy the bit of time I have at the weekend and not spend it cooped up, wittering nonsense in an over-heated house eating burnt pizza.

He sees your close family, he's not that bad. Visit your friends by yourself with dd.

Original poster
PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 25/05/2007 23:02

You're all right!!! I should just accept it and just get on - there's no need to compromise what I want for me or my DD - it's just fitting it in around work that's going to be the tricky but but where there's a will there's a way!

OP posts:
kimi · 25/05/2007 23:10

I think he is being a silly childish prat of a man tbh.

pointydog · 25/05/2007 23:20

oh kimi - just when she'd come to terms wiht it

Original poster
PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 25/05/2007 23:23

Kimi is right - you're all right - I don't think that he's being reasonable and his growing tendency to be rude to everyone I talk to in general is winding me up no end but I do understand and I can choose to throw a strop or I can get on with it. It's not going to be me at the age of 70 that has no friends.....

OP posts:
fillyjonk · 26/05/2007 06:44

re the him wanting time wih his dd

Is THAT it?

If so...fair enough. But my dp never objected to a weekend off now and again while I took the kids to see family

I do think family/friends are important to kids, and this is a situation where your dd has needs which should be considered-ie to know her extended family

mylittlefreya · 27/05/2007 18:01

Are you a SAHM/ working part time?
Could you go in the week?

We have similar sorts of issues and that's what I tend to do - take my 5 month old whilst my OH is at work.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, though.

cantgetasecondspeace · 27/05/2007 18:17

putthat - have no constructive advice, but sympathy as my dp is like that. i just get on with it really, but i cant help feeling deep down that if he really loved me and respected me, hed make the effort. he likes all of them in ones or twos, but will never ever 'do' family occasions. says 'its not my family and im just not interested in that'.
makes me want to hit him.

lilybubble · 27/05/2007 18:29

No - you're not unreasonable. He DEFINITELY is.

Original poster
PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 27/05/2007 21:10

Ah newsflash - we were just talking about our hols and decided that we'd go to Cornwall. Completely out of the blue and contrary to what he has also said about our hols, he said that we could pop in on any family I have down there if I wanted to . I told him that I didn't have any there and then he pointed out that we can take any route to Cornwall that would allow us to pop in to someone on the way . Bless him

OP posts:
cantgetasecondspeace · 28/05/2007 01:17

pipe - thats great
enjoy our hol.

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