to be feeling like this?

[FuzzyCarrots]

NC as outing.

Currently divorcing stbxh who no longer lives with us (hasn't for a year now) - me and two DC under 10. And the dog. On Universal Credit - they're amazing. Was SAHM for past 10yr. Went on job search - got first one I interviewed for. Awesome. UC being sorted accordingly.

"No problems here then" you might think. Thing is I've been promoted three times already and still on minimum wage. Working backside off for first time in a decade (can only manage school hours at moment), juggling single parenthood, meeting kids' needs (love, clean clothes and food but it isn't perfect - there's quite a bit of telly) but around me my house is a complete f*cking mess, my social life has gone to pot, my parents and siblings think I'm ignoring them (because I just don't have the headspace for "normal" life / regular chatty phone calls) and I am so exhausted I'm finding it hard not to collapse in a heap, drink a beer mountain, and jack it all in.

AIBU to feel like this? Will it get better? Solo parenting and household management is so bloody hard I seem to have an insurmountable challenge. Please help with any fairy tales you may have experienced.

I am sorry you are going through this, sounds so tough.
But if you're already promoted and still on minimum wage, could you perhaps (maybe not immediately) find a better, less tiring job for the same money, that doesn't leave you so washed out?

Does your ex have the kids at all? Perfectly normal to be feeling so burnt out, especially after such a long time away from it.

have you been formally promoted or is this just through conversations that you have new responsibilities? It might be worth even just applying elsewhere, sometimes this can give your employer a kick to up pay if you're not being paid fairly.

Thanks so much for answering, haven't had a minute spare since entering office at 9am hence delay.

Stbxh does have kids EOW for which I am grateful but it doesn't seem to resolve things - even if I manage to clear and clean and tidy, it just gets trashed when they come back home. He has also denied me permission to throw / move anything of his out, so I just feel surrounded by the clutter and crap he has hoarded for so long. It is soul destroying.

It's a good idea to perhaps have a look for alternatives which might be better paid. Thank you.

And thanks @eyycarumba - I've only been here roughly 15 full working days in total (as I say I work during school hours so no way can do 9-5 yet) - after ten years out of the office it is a massive shock to the system.

Oh no. He doesn't get to tell you what's in your house. You don't have to hoard his crap.

You need to tell him that he has until the end of June to collect it all, then it's going in the bin.

He won't possibly remember what he's got, so you can get rid of a lot now, by putting bags full out in the bins and by taking stuff to the tip (if you have a car.)

And don't be GRATEFUL that he's having his own kids every other weekend. He should be having them more often.

Do you get all the tax credits you need?

I would link your children's pocket money to them tidying up after themselves. I appreciate it's difficult with all your ex's crap lying around, but they really shouldn't be adding to the mess.

You really don't need his permission - do you understand that? He's not your partner. You don't have to do anything he says.

He can't tell you what to store, give him a months notice to remove it.

Ok lady stop and breath first.

No it’s not unreasonable. You cannot be perfect. No one can so stop trying to kill yourself doing everything. Choose whatcan give. For me in all honesty it’s the house. Untidy is ok dirty is not. But the kids won’t remember if the house is tidy but will remember if you do things with them.

How old are the kids? From 6 my son was doing small jobs and at 9 helps make pizza and other dinners. (From scratch not just putting it in the oven). It’s involving them and teaching them life skills.

Take the time you need to make this transition to single mum life. When you feel able get back on the social horse but stop putting yourself under pressure.

It’s probably as much stress and the changes that’s exhausting you as it is the actual job and you might just need time.

As for the not allowing you to throw stuff out ‘fk’ that. Give him 14 days notice then remove it or give him the choice of storing it.

I’m confused as to how you’ve been promoted 3 times but still on minimum wage?
If you’re taking on extra responsibility and a more difficult job role then you should be financially compensated for that. Have you asked for more money to reflect your increased responsibilities?
I would not under any circumstances take on another job role with extra responsibility without my pay being increased. You need to stand up for yourself in the workplace.
My first question after being offered a promotion would be “what does it entail?” The second which would be immediate “And what is the increase in my wage?”
If they say there isn’t one then I’d decline the offer. It’s ridiculous!
Also notify your ex in writing that he has to have his things out by X date.
Or if you can’t be bothered with the drama then pack everything up into boxes and store/stack in one place like a garage or dining room. It’s still inconvenient but at least his crap isn’t all over the place then.
It’s been a year... he really needs to get it out of there

Im in the same boat....i have 3 kids and live in an old house with massive garden...i have to try and maintain all of this on my own....it is exhausting and relentless....i have no parents or any male friends i can ask for help if anything goes wrong in the house so get stung by tradesmen...
Just when i think things are going ok something in the house will leak and i gave to pay a fortune for a plumber....im sooo sick of it all....wish i could sell the house and move into a new build !!!

He's a CF expecting you to provide free storage for all his rubbish! (I've got a load of unwanted crap at my house too. Can you keep it at yours for me please?) Tell him to rent a garage or something for it.
And yes, you're obviously good at your job to have been promoted so ask for a payrise!

My username - so why don't you?

Finding someone to do those smaller jobs around the house can be really difficult. I'm on the Wirral and have someone who's fantastic at that, if anyone's in a similar position and looking for someone good.

Thank you all so much for your replies - I do find that sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by things I can no longer focus on what needs to be done first, so I lose track of my ability to cope.

It's interesting what some of you are saying about stbxh stuff - he has told me under no uncertain terms that I do not have his permission to move anything of his out - after giving me permission to move some of his crap out I got a shitty letter from his solicitor telling me to put it all back (within seven days, and over Christmas no less), so I had to dredge through hundreds of text messages and send them over to prove he had in fact given his permission (it is SO boring). I would like him to hire a man with a van which I would happily fill for him - but there's no way he would agree. Maybe I should just send it all to his mother....

Regarding wage I was taken on as office admin and when it became clear after a day that my brain DOES still exist, I got a new job title and more responsibility. This has happened twice now. I've called a meeting with my boss tomorrow (I don't work Friday but there's too much to do) to discuss so that's something off my virtual To Do list.

Well done OP on doing so well at work, despite it not being all roses, it must be doing wonders for your self esteem, so that's brilliant.

I am you before you found a job (with 3 DC and a less involved ex). It's a never ending cycle and it is exhausting without a job so I'm dreading it when I am working on top of everything else. It's a full time job running a house on your own and looking after DC, with everything that entails (sicknesses, clubs, play dates, bedtimes etc etc). I hardly get time to myself now so what will it be like when I have even less freedom? I think bringing up DC has become undervalued as an actual job because that's what it is. But I won't have any choice as not working is a luxury nowadays.

Sorry no advice - but admiration for you doing it all anyway.

How old are your DC? In answer to your actual question, it does get easier because the DC get older and more independent.

You say "Under 10" so I'm assuming the oldest is maybe 9?
A 9 year old can do simple household tasks. Other DC can do tasks appropriate for their age.

I started working full time (previously p/t) when my youngest was 7. The first thing I did was say to my DC that I needed their help to make sure the household ran smoothly and that meant that I was now expecting them to get their uniform ready for school (and tell me if they needed anything) the night before, get their bags ready for school (I put prompt sheets for what they needed on the fridge) and get themselves ready. Similarly in the evening they had to unpack their bags, empty lunchboxes, give me any letters ... Just taking a few tasks off your list will make such a difference.

We also had a rule from a fairly early age that the lounge was left clean and tidy before the DC went to bed - so they pitched in with putting toys away and hoovering/dusting etc if needed.

Can you do admin in your break at work (somehow that feels like dead time)?

Make sure you set aside time for you - just time that you are not doing jobs or running round for the children. Ring your mum and your siblings - not doing so will make it seem worse!

Thanks again - DC 8 & 7 so they do certain chores around the house but at the moment all I seem to do is nag. EOW spent with stbxh is fun fun fun whereas around here it's all doom and gloom. Sometimes I wish I was the one who just got up one day and walked out, without so much as a backwards glance.