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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP thinks I'm ungrateful and nobody else 'gets' my concerns either

58 replies

MascaraOHara · 23/05/2007 17:35

Everybody else also thinks I'm ungrateful/unreasonable but I just can't come round to there way of thinking

As some of you will rememebr dp was on about building a house sometimes ago. This has dragged on for so long as they couldn't get planning permission but now it's moving along which is great.

However now it's actually underway I have lots of doubts/concerns that are niggling at me. he thinks I'm ungrateful and others I speak to think he's right but...

I am uncomfortable with the fact that I will never have a financial stake in the house that he expects me to live in. He doesn't know how the finances will work yet but I assume that I will be expected to pay rent(?) to his company (as the business will own it)?? he can't give me a straight answer.

He wants a bar. I don't. He's told me he's having it. Will this mean he's having his mates back all weekend? probably. I'm thinking over my dead body. At the same time I'm thinking is this what it'll be like, his way or nothing.

I don't know if I'll get any say in what the house looks like or the kitchen etc

What if we want something like a new kitchen? will I be bale to haev the one I want? will I have to contribute? probably but then if anything goes wrong I'll always walk away with nothing.

I'll have to keep my house on and rent it out in case I ever need something to fall back on.

The things is I just feel like now that I might as well just stay living on my own as this house will never truly be ours as such and we will never be a partnership. I'll always be living in somebody elses house.

Does any of this makes sense? its a bit muddled but there are so many concerns and out of each concern there are so many what if's and little niggling things.

The few people I have told about my worries have called me a control freak and/or ungrateful. In my head I'm thinking why am I ungrateful? because I'd rather take on a mortgage with him and be equal than be picked up and put somewhere that he decided. Oh I don't know. Need to talk it through but he doesn't even begin to understand where I'm coming from. I have dd to think about too.

I might only live in a 2 up/2 down but it's mine.. I own it, I am responsible for it, I have in it what I can afford and I make choice about what to do with it based on that. Does that make sense? I don't know. Tell me I'm mad, I think I may well be.

(sorry)

OP posts:

AnneJones · 23/05/2007 17:38

Gosh MascaraOHara - is this relationship worth it? Seems like the give and take is all one-sided.

LazyLine · 23/05/2007 17:39

I think that regardless of all this stuff, if you feel as if you will not be on an equal footing and will feel uncomfortable, then you may be better off in your house. Maybe you could see how it all turns out and then decide?

Either way, I do not think you sound ungrateful. It's not as if the house is a gift for you, no?

goingfor3 · 23/05/2007 17:40

It sounds like your DP doesn't want to commit to you, just his house! You are very lucky to have your own home that you will be able to rent if you do move in together. If you split up will he have a stake in the house you own?

kama · 23/05/2007 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

elsieanjoanne · 23/05/2007 17:42

dont be sorry! if youve got to live there you need to know the situation inside out first you will need some sort of contract with your dp work as it will be classed as letting, and the other thing is you should have a say in what kitchen you getting good luck keep putting your foot down

Twiglett · 23/05/2007 17:42

why aren't you married mascara?

MrsWeasley · 23/05/2007 17:44

Personally I think your concerns are justified. If it were me I would stay put (in my house) until I had some answers.

lulumama · 23/05/2007 17:44

i thikn you have voiceed reasonable concerns, and sounds like DH is treating this as a commercial rather than a personal enterprise

when i met my DH ,he already had a home, i started contributing to the mortgage when i got a job, but never felt like home

the house we are in now, we chose together, bought together, is in joint names...and i feel like it is ours, not his.

if you are doubtful of the future, to the extent you are going to keep your own house, just in case, i would sersioulsy be questioning where this is going

poppy34 · 23/05/2007 17:50

Nope - don't think yabu as sounds like you are moving into some kind of dream lads show home (whilst giving up your home) and does sound like a bit onesided in DP's favour.

Plus the stress and hassle of building this house can hardly be great for your relationship.

bossykate · 23/05/2007 17:53

mascara, i really don't mean to be harsh, but i'm really surprised you're still with this guy.

MrsMar · 23/05/2007 17:56

If you're paying rent to dp's company, do you not have some rights? Could you perhaps draw up a contract regarding your rights, including late night noise (I have seen late night noise restrictions written in to tenancy agreements)

BTW, sorry if this is nosy, but what are you doing with the money from the sale of your place? Are you not investing it in this property?

LoveAngel · 23/05/2007 18:01

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Why doesn't he want to buy / build a house together with you if you're looking at spending the future together? It seems strange to build a new house for himself and then expect you to live in it (wether you contribute - like a lodger! - or don't - which would be equally stupid). And why isn't he even discussing what will happen between the two of you financially and practically when the house IS built? He sounds incredibly selfish and like he really isn't factoring you into his future at all. Have words with him! xx

Blu · 23/05/2007 18:07

I think it is v unwise to go into a big arrangement like a house together unless every detail of the financial arrangement is understoof in advance. especially if you are not married.

if he won't be clear, then you can be.

if you really wnat to do this, draw up a proposal: the house is his, he will pay all maintenance, upkeep including mortgage etc - but you will pay half of all bills. Meanwhile you will keep your house, paying it's upkeep etc, and renting it out. Don't make any offer to pay towards a house you have no stake in.

Don't, whatever you do, sell your house.

It's ridiculous to think that anyone could develop a shared house for shared living unless both had a say in how it was....so no, you are not selfish - you are expecting what would be normal in a normal loving togethery partnership. he is not behaving as if he is doing that at all.

katybird · 23/05/2007 18:23

You're not being unreasonable at all. You definitely need to have a stake in the house, even if it's not financial. The benefit of a joint mortgage is that if something happens to one partner the second doesn't lose the house (obviously oversimplifying here but you get my point!). He may not want to think about what will happen if you split up, as he'll assume you won't, but what if something happens to him? You need to know you have an equal right to the property, especially as you have a daughter.

He needs to compromise - if he has a bar then you should get something in return. It might be his money but it's going to be your home.

Blu · 23/05/2007 18:33

On the contraray, katybird - he seems to be acting in a way that keps his rights in the very event of a break-up paramount!

Either propose a 'no-strings, no liability, no stake' arrangement as i outlined below OR a complete shared mortgage, shared equity, shared input into kitchen design. If he won't do the latter, do not invest a penny in the new house!

poppy34 · 23/05/2007 18:47

blu's right - did occur to me that dp appears to being quite smart about making sure he keeps his hands on this property

Mrbatters · 23/05/2007 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakybub · 23/05/2007 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kewcumber · 23/05/2007 19:47

well it makes sense to me, I'd feel exactly the way you do.

Kewcumber · 23/05/2007 19:47

can you rent out your house and hedge your bets as it were?

Original poster

MascaraOHara · 23/05/2007 20:10

hi, sorry I wrote that and then left work and now so many responses I don't know where to start, lol.

From the business point of view it makes sense for him and his dad to build the property through the business that they own (VAT etc) then the business will own the property for (an uspecified) amount of time. we will pay nominal rent (~£100 per month)

I would never sell my place for fear of not being able to get back on the market if we ever did split up

I don't think there's any venom in the way he's doing it he just doesn't see why I'm worrying. he lives a very simple life as some of you are well aware with no money issue.. all his wages are pin money. I honestly believe he just thinks we'll move in and live happily ever after but I live in the real world and know that's probably not going to be the case. What about rates for example... oh the list is endless.

I have said to him if I don't like it I won't move in and he has been said things like of course you'll get a say on the interior but if I'm not paying how can I really have a say??

He called me stupid when I really tried to have an indepth conversation about it.but his response is 'how many people our age can live in a house like that with no mortgage' he has a point and 'would you rather we bought somewhere small and had a massive mortgage for years and years'

People do see me as being lucky. He is comfortable but it'll never be a partnership it'll be two parallel lives in the same house.

And yet on the other hand, he did all the school runs last week, he gets dd up and ready for school every morning while I get ready for work. I don't know it's so difficult, sometimes I think I am just awkward. I do admit to being a control freak. Maybe I really should read the surrendered wife book

OP posts:

kickassangel · 23/05/2007 20:18

i don't think you're unreasonable to hav doubts, but it is also a BIG change from your current status. Is the plan that eventually you'll buy this house together, or could it be sold by the business if they want some money?

Whilst it's nice to have everything just as you want it - that will never happen in a shared house anyway - i get quite stroppy that dh presumes his choiced were OUR choices. usually we both end up compromising.

he sounds like a 'go with the flow' person who just doesn't understand your worries. could you try living there & rent out your house for a while (six months) before making a final decision?

LoveAngel · 23/05/2007 20:20

It doesn't matter if he is a millionaire, building a mansion for you to lie about in eating chocolates all day - he STILL isn't giving you any equal rights to the property (ones that would be recognised in the eyes of the law if he dropped dead / ran off with the tart next door etc etc). You only have the 'say' he will decide to give you, when he decides to give it to you. What he giveth, he can taketh away. All the control is in his hands. I don't think you are being stupid or selfish or controlling to question this arrangement BIG TIME. He could be Donald Trump (hopefully with better hair? lol), offering you the world on a plate, and I would still say 'What are your legal rights? What is your contingency plan? Does he CARE about any of this?' The fact that he is dismisisng your fears and refusing to let a proper discussion be had also sets off major alarm bells ringing for me.

twinsetandpearls · 23/05/2007 20:23

Having been there done it and got severly burnt I would never live in a house with a man if I did not ahve a finanial stake in the house.

Twiglett · 23/05/2007 20:25

what about the marriage question

honestly if you were married it would be a moot point because you'd own half no matter who's name it was in

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